16 month's old hitting makes me want to cry!

[OwensMama]

I feel so sad! My 16 and a half month old has started to hit me and my husband in the face, mostly when he is cross about something (going into his car seat, not being allowed to stick his finger in a plug socket etc.), but also just randomly at times. It feels like almost overnight he has gone from this lovely little snuggly baby to a willful, tantrum-throwing little boy - and I feel so tearful about it. I know that this is probably normal, but it seems so young to start this behaviour. My husband and I don't shout or hit so why has he started doing this? He does go to nursery, so maybe he has seen others hitting there, but any advise on how anyone else out there handles hitting would be so appreciated as I just want to get it sorted quickly (if that is possible!) At the moment, when he hits, we just look at him, say 'No!' and put him on the floor if we are holding him or move him away if not. Is this the right thing to do? He is also so clingy to me and when my husband tries to cuddle him or play with him he just shouts 'Mama Mama' over and over, which isn't very nice for my husband. Also, he has started waking really early - 5am. Sorry for the rambling message, but I'd love to know if anyone else out there is going through this, or has any advice - and how long will this phase last? Want my lovely little boy back!

He's experiencing anger and frustration, and doesn't know how to deal with it. Think how you feel when your boss is completely unreasonable about something... if you hadn't learnt other ways of coping, I'm sure some of us would quite like to push them too sometimes!

I'm pretty sure ALL children do this at some point, it's a stage of learning.

There are various strategies:
Watch out for the flashpoints and stop the behaviour before it happens - ie explain that you are going out and you'll need to put him in the car seat but then he'll be able to see what's going on in the journey; or say as he's approaching the plug that he can't touch it (presumably you have cover anyway?) because it's not safe.
If he does hit, say NO in strong but calm voice; you could say 'No: I know you're angry, but we don't hit people'. And as you say, put him down and walk away for a bit.
It won't be better instantly. The trouble is that a) he doesn't know that this Not Hitting rule is for ALL situations and b) he is being driven by his anger/frustration and needs to learn how to manage them. However our DS has moved on from hitting and is now just pushing - different age, different stage, lol.

Re being clingy, that is also a stage; I think esp if there are changes to routine and his feeling of security. It will pass, but don't worry about it.

Re waking early - search on Mumsnet for the Wake-to-sleep solution: our DS never woke early, thank goodness, but I've seen others say this solution really worked for them.

Your lovely little boy is still there, and will be even more lovely - he's just learning about these new, scary emotions and finding them difficult to deal with. Give him a big hug. xx

My DS did this for a while and still does occassionally. It sounds as though you are doing things right to me. I would put DS down if I was holding him and say no. It is as you say very common.

What time is he going to bed is it very early perhaps you need to adjust bedtime?

I am watching with interest as my 2 year old is hitting a lot lately and even at nursery and we are doing the No and walking away but he just gets up and then will carry on hitting (normally DS1) who is incredibly placid.

He is also incredibly wilful and stubborn and will not do something he doesnt want to and will scream constantly until he is too tired to scream anymore.

Sorry I have no solution but you are not alone and I will watch and see what other suggestions come up.

mixedmamameansbusiness - your DS sounds very similar to mine - very stubborn and quite a quick temper too (think I have to admit that he gets that from me....)

NumptyMum and chuckeyegg - thanks ever so much for that advice, I'll give it a go. I think I do sometimes forget that everything is still so new to him and that he just needs to be shown what is right and wrong.

I think you're doing the right thing, it just takes time to learn at that age! It's normal - he's just finding out ways to express himself and influence the world and you have to let him know which don't get results and which do. As well as saying no/walking away etc, set him examples of being kind and gentle and so on. The daddy thing is normal too - don't make a big deal of it and it will pass.

This can be a really difficult stage. My DS wasn't so much a hitter but he loved hair pulling and it was awful. It often made me cry.

Don't worry. Your lovely little boy hasn't gone! At his age he is too young to be mean. His understanding of the world just isn't developed enough for him to know how this effects other people. He is probably smart enough to realise that when he hits you you don't like it. All his life he has to do what other people make him do. He has found a way to influence you. You know why you don't let him touch sockets. He probably feels that you don't let him explore for himself. Personally I can't see any way round this problem. A clever child will know that they get told what to do. It's life. I think you are right to say that you want to get it sorted out quickly. The faster the better. Since he is still so young I would try to ignore it. Maybe say a quick "no" so that he knows that you don't want him to hit you, but otherwise don't react. It is your reaction that makes hitting you worthwhile. My son is 21 months. I think that he is still a bit young to be really told off. He doesn't understand and it can frustrate him which leads to more tantrum behaviour. One thing I do do is make sure that I don't physically stop him doing things ever, even gently, unless it is totally necessary. I tell him "no", "we don't touch that", so on. I show him what I want him to do, but let him make the decision to follow my instructions. Then I praise him. If there is someone else in the room you could ask him to tell the other person the rule e.g "will we tell dad not to touch the teapot? You tell dad that the teapot is hot! Don't touch it dad!(Or even Teddy!)". When I need him to do something like go in the car seat I tell him what is happening. "We're going to go to the supermarket. How do you think we'll get there. In the car? You have your own seat don't you? You show me where you sit. Do you want to choose a toy to take in to the car?" If this doesn't work I just try to be as quick as possible so that his tantrum is short. As soon as he is in the seat and buckled up I start speaking to him calmly about everything and anything. As for him preferring you - guess what: you are his mum. You get to be his favourite. I am a dad and my wife gets to be the favourite. I know what it is like for my son to be shouting "Mum! Mum!". I just have to take it. He doesn't mean any harm. (I got to drink for the nine months he was inside!) It is tough being a parent. Try not to worry. Kids hit, they always have and always will - I'm sure you'll be able to control it, with a bit of effort, so that it doesn't become a habit in your son. All the best!

Owensmama - my DS is 2 so he knows he should not hit yet he still does it, so I dont know if he is just naughty and I maybe need a different approach.

All his behavior is perfectly normal and nothing to get upset about. You would have more cause to worry if he was a docile little lump who never wanted one parent over the other, or follows you from room to room demanding that you come back and be sat on, or hit, or wanted his own way, or cried at not getting his own way, as Ds1 was like this - and far from the amazingly well brought up baby I thought I had, his consultant says it was an early sign of his mild autism, in that he was making no social progress.

Keep saying to yourself :

He is still a baby
He needs to do things in order to develop and test boundaries
It is not personal
This does not mean he will become a delinquent.

Once you have convinced yourself that this is nothing to worry about, you will be able to handle it better

Not all babies and toddlers hit, but most do. You will make it worse if you over-react, so keep your voice low and calm.
At this age, distracting and pre-empting are best. Many DCs do this when they are tired or hungry, so look out for that.

Any reaction can become a reward, so ignoring - put him down on the floor, or turn your head away when he does it is better

Ds2 used to take particular crowing delight in slapping my bosom at this age.

DS2 used to poke me in the eye

My DS pokes me in the eye actually - at the same time as saying very loudly 'EYYYYEEE'. Hmmm.

Thanks so much for all this advice. Feel so much better just knowing that this is quite normal behaviour. I guess I just thought it wouldn't be till later that it all started up. A quiet 'no' and then looking away sounds good - not exactly a telling off, which I like as he is still so young.

Aaaaw - that eye thing sound kinda cute - at least his speech is on track .

Glad you are feeling better

My DS went through a stage of hitting me at around 16 months. The most embarrassing time was in the middle of Asda carpark when he was screaming about getting into the car seat. He pulled his hand back and gave me one almighty slap across the face. I could hear the sharp intake of breath by the watching gossiping crowd waiting for me to react. My face was stinging and I was so close to tears when all of a sudden a man dressed in motorcycle leathers walked by and DS took one look and shouted 'Ohh Bike, bike' and started giggling - tantrum completely forgotten.
The stage didn't last long. He's 23 months old now and really gentle - still hits teddy sometimes but not too often. We just repeatedly told him that we don't hit and tried not to show that it hurt as much as it did. Once his language started to develop he stopped most of the screaming (and all of the aggression) because he could then tell us what the problem was.