Defiant 3.8yr old - advice on handling him needed

[verybusyspider]

Pre-school leader had a chat with me on Monday about ds1 as they are a little concerned about him, initially I was really worried but I think I've worked out whats happening because he's doing it at home. Its a complete inability to take no as an answer, if I tell him he can't do something or that we are going out for example, and he decides its not what he wants to do he'll either have a mini meltdown or just say no and try and stare me down, I then tend to ignore him but have to listen to at least 10 mins or longer of 'but I really want to watch/play/do that...' the same sentence again and again and again until he's ready to move onto the next thing, short of manhandling him out of the house I just have to wait for him to get it out of his system. Most of it can be avoided by warning him or I 'upset' him first and get other 2 ds's ready to go out by which time his ready to get started.

Everything feels like a battle and takes huge amount of effort not to get stressed/angry with him. He does the same at pre school except they have 14 other children to look after, all in one class room and I think aren't sure how to help him get over it as its disrupting what they are doing, ie they have a strong routine so if they are doing tidy up time after playing to move onto story time it can be disrupted by ds1 refusing to stop playing and shouting about it so pretty much they have to wait for him before they can move on. Its not a huge issue but its really not fair on the rest of the children who, from what I can gather just get on with it.

any advice - I'm not sure I've explained it well - they are just observing him at the moment because he also does get very upset (as in distressed not tantrum) if things are out of routine, I like routine so that really doesn't help not sure if its all just part of the control thing or thats another issue.

Anyway any comments welcome!

I have a son the same age as your s and it is very hard to convince him to do anything that he doesn't want to do.
Ignoring doesn't work, telling him off doesn't work, nor does expecting him to just do as he is told. The only way we compromise at all is if I explain carefully, with eye to eye contact , why I don't want him to do something. He always has lots of questions but he can make a decision to take on what I have said in quite a mature fashion.
It's a different kind of parenting, but worth the effort as we get on much better now

Have you tried telling him something is going to happen in however minutes, e.g Ds in 10 minutes we are going to stop playing and we are going to go out, then again at 5 mins.

Then he gets a mini warning, that something is going to change this may help prepare it from him.

Clearly it may work or it may not, you could inforce it by saying when we get back you can play with this, or something else?

does any of that make sense

hth

Thanks I do give a warning, he has no concept of time (obviously) so we go for markers like at the end of this programme the telly will go off, I have a sand timer for certain games, he has struggled with eye contact but we make him look at us, but all the warning in the world doesn't change the outcome so I explain and then have to ignore him else I get drawn into the same loop, I'm getting really fed up of saying the same thing again and again.

Yesterday it was, 'I want to go to the farm' so we went and it was closed (winter closing, I should have checked ) so I explained that it was closing and maybe we could come back another time, the lady behind the counter also told him she was sorry but the animals needed to go in and get warm - no shouting no screaming, just 'but I really wanted to go to the farm mummy' for 20 minutes, everytime I spoke to him, its so waring and I can see why pre school find it irritating

cookie that did make sense, not sure what to say to school though until I find that a warning has some effect at home

mrsruffallo ds also talks non stop all day and asks questions about everything, I never seem to find a answer that satisfies him, I feel very inadequate at this parenting thing, I wish I knew everyone else's secret as their children seem so compliant

any other suggestions? anyone been through this? I know it probably sounds like 'normal' behaviour but I'm really quite stressed by it and envious of anyone who can just tell their child to do something and they just do it, he comes across as rude and precocious

No suggestions but just plenty of empathy. my ds is 3.7 and his behaviour is very much the same. It takes me ages to get him outta the house even with plenty of warning. He'll curl up on the couch and won't let me put his coat on. One thing I've been doing recently which seems to work is I'ii tell him that dd and I will wait at the front door for him and to come when he's ready, he emerges in half a minute asking me to help him with his coat. And i've used this method out and about (i.e) 'I'ii wait until your ready etc It never really takes that long and is preferable to a stressed out mum and a screaming ds. Its hard though I know. I'm guessing he's just asserting his authority and I keep reminding myself that, like everything else, it a phase. Dd is 14mths now and is non stop climbing on everything and getting herself into all kinds of dangerous positions so I'm giving her alot of my attention, this might be annoying ds. About pre school I wouldn't fret too much, i'm sure not all the other kids are 'getting on with it' all the time and as you say, its not a huge issue. When i spent a morning at ds preschool any child who didn't (for instance) stop playing and come and sit on the carpet the teacher would say ' we're waiting for you' and didn't proceed till the dc was on the carpet, which never took very long cause she's bit scarey.