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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

dd's visits with ex so traumatic: please help

10 replies

Caththerese1973 · 10/07/2005 06:15

hi
i just feel awful because my 2 year old dd did not want to go with her father today. She screamed and cried and ran after me - it was awful.
The break up seems to be causing her so much pain. Sometimes I feel so selfish for not going back to him for her sake (he wants me back). He was hypercritical and controlling and occasionally violent (I had my face slapped a couple fo times and was pushed and shoved). I'm between a rock and hard place because while it is hard for her having to spend time by herself with him, I doubt it would do her any good in the long run to see me getting pushed around and being unhappy.
Plus there is the guilty fact that I am really happy to be out of this relationship. I definitely don't want to go back. But my dd's reluctance to spend time with her dad breaks my heart. How can I make it easier for her? Please help!

OP posts:

Louise1970 · 10/07/2005 08:28

Hiya i do not have any advice for you. But i know it is hard because of all the things going on in the news about fathers not seeing there children. But are you sure he will not do the same to her. I was brought up in the same plus more relationship with my father. I can tell you that i am a pretty f.....d up 35 year old. My father was very controlling and strict and occasionally hit my mum. He gave us awful punishment. Please be sure that she is safe...

beetroot · 10/07/2005 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hercules · 10/07/2005 08:50

It's not a reason to go back to him. I agree with beetroot.

basketcase · 10/07/2005 08:57

what is best for you both as a couple will ultimately be best for her even if it takes a long time for her to deal with it. Unhappy parents together really is worse than happy separated parents. I agree with beetroot too, the separation anxiety may only last until you are out of sight - if you can, talk to him about it. Hard to do though as it could sound like you doubt his parenting skills or her love for him.

Original poster

Caththerese1973 · 10/07/2005 09:43

Hi
for Louise 1970 - that's awful that you had such a rough time growing up, and makes me realise that it is better if I am separated from my partner and in charge of most of the care. I really, really doubt that my ex would hurt our child - he really seems to love her and taking her from him has made me feel absolutely awful. I have confidence that now that dd can talk quite well (actually you can't shut her up!), she would tell me if he smacked her or anything like that - in which case there would be no way that I would let her go with him.
But like I said, I feel instinctively that he is trustworthy with her. One reason why I feel this way is that she is the spitting image of him,and very much like him in other ways, and on a narcissistic sort of level he must identify with her.
I was cheered up because I rang him up a couple of hours later and I could hear her chatting happily in the background. He said that she settled down a couple of minutes after I had left. It probably is not him personally that she objects to - possibly more of a separation anxiety on the general level. But I hate to see her crying and begging when I have to leave her. I have tried to make it as untraumatic as possible. Any hints on how to quell a fearful child of this age would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

JOSIE3 · 10/07/2005 09:57

I've found Timing has a huge impact. When he comes to collect her ask if it can be at the same time each week ie straight after breakfast, this way it quickly becomes a routine in her mind.

Also, try to forewarn her that she's going somewhere different, and keep repeating the routine to her in a two year olds mind it should change from "oh no, I have to leave mummy" to "come on daddy, we should have left by now"

I really hope this helps, good luck.

tiffini · 10/07/2005 10:15

Your DD will get used to spending time alone with her dad in time, I dont have any advice to make it easier for her.

You have done the best thing you possible can for your DD, and that was leaving him. If you had stayed with him, it could cause all kinds of long term damage to both you and your DD.

Louise1970 · 10/07/2005 10:18

Hiya Caththerese1973. i am so pleased that you can trust him. I am sure it will pass with your dd. It is probably an adjustment period. Just stick to a routine with it all and she will be fine, i am sure. Sorry to scare you. But i just wanted people to know there is always a flip side to everything....

SofiaAmes · 10/07/2005 21:47

I think josie3's suggestions are superb.

spidermama · 10/07/2005 21:52

I'm sorry Cath. That sounds really painful.

Does she HAVE to see him? Can you leave things longer to settle then talk the idea up again?

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