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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help I like my friend but her son's behaviour is bloody awful, what should I do?

12 replies

Chocolatepenny · 03/02/2010 16:39

Just had a nightmare day with my friend and our sons and I'm wondering what to do about our friendship now.
Both myself and my friend have 3 year old boys and WE get on brilliantly so what my problem?....Her son is!
Basically it seems he can do whatever he likes, he teases other children and is developing some nasty traits, he goes unchecked all the time she's always making excuses up for him, I usually ignore it but now my son has taking to behaving the same way and I tell him off . It does not seem fair on him as he's only copying what he sees.
Today it all came to a head when my Friends Sons bullying behaviour to another child in a cafe play area got us all into trouble, as we left for the car park a shouting match started between us 'grown ups' and my son was called all sorts of names by these two women... badly behaved, bratt etc while my friend got herself and her son into her car without saying a word even though the Bratt in question had been her son.
So basically I am left to take the flack for her lack of parenting everytime we are out in Public and I'm fed up with it.
I really like her, but I can't stand her son what can I do?? feeling very depressed.

OP posts:

Besom · 03/02/2010 16:43

See her without the children

Ineedsomesleep · 03/02/2010 16:46

I agree with Besom. If you want to see her arrange a night to the pictures, a drink or a meal. Anything that doesn't involve seeing her brat.

Original poster

Chocolatepenny · 03/02/2010 16:48

I'd like to do that, the only thing is we are both pregnant again and I'm thinking long term I'd be struggling to go through all this again with two new children on the scene.

OP posts:

displayuntilbestbefore · 03/02/2010 16:49

Yes, see her without the children or if you are in a position where you have to have the children together, don't be shy about pulling your own son up for behaviour he copies and asking your friend to keep her son's behaviour in check as it's confusing your own son and the guidelines you have taught him.
Very hard when others don't parent the way you parent so try to see her without the children if you can. Good luck.

Booyhoo · 03/02/2010 16:53

if it was me and this was my best friend i would tell her that her son's behaviour is making you feel like you cant see her when she has him with her. be honest. if she decides she doesnt want the friendship then so be it but i would not allow this to continue. if you get on so well perhaps she will see where you are coming from.

ExplodingBananas · 03/02/2010 18:18

I'd be worried to mention her sons behaviour to her face as she either doesn't have any problem with it or is really struggling and would be mortified.

If you need to cut back on meeting up with the kids maybe say something along the lines of them being monkeys when they get together and affecting each others behaviour. If you do say anything more direct than that I think you'll end up having a screaming row!

bethjeff · 03/02/2010 19:07

I'd be tempted to agree with exploding bananas... and possibly expand onto how your DS behaves after he's had contact with her son.

Hopefully she'll recognise some of the bad traits and realise that it isn't acceptable behaviour.

Devendra · 03/02/2010 19:13

Thing is.. its more her lack of intervention than his actual behaviour that is pissing you off.. You should take a deep breath and have it out with her... be honest and just tell her how you feel. She already knows she is crap and is probably embarrassed.

Sazisi · 03/02/2010 19:23

I'd be wary of criticizing her son or her parenting skills if you want to keep the friendship.

Just see her without the kids. Her son might improve in a few months

SlightlyFoxed · 03/02/2010 19:32

could you step in with your friend's son first, as bad behaviour starts to kick in, eg "friend's ds, please don't do that - my ds will copy you and I don't think it's a great thing for either of you to do / nice thing for either of you to say / good way for either of you to act."

if your friend won't step in then perhaps you have to, either that or just limit contact for a bit and have a break, let your son see other good behaviour or firm parenting.

Skegness · 03/02/2010 19:58

Children often have one or two friends with whom they behave uncharacteristically badly, I find. It's still their fault- they have to learn not to be seduced by the thrill of being vile to impress charismatic friends. Very difficult at 3 years old, obviously, but if you can stand the stress, I think continuing to do what you're doing- having high expectations of your son's behaviour and telling him off when he is out of order- is exactly the right thing to do.

WBM · 03/02/2010 20:03

Chocolatepenny - you had my day today! Only our DS's are only 20m and we were at a very nice play centre that I regularly travel to when it is -30 and can't get outside....friend and her DS signed in as my guests, their first time.

I did what I always do - make sure DS helps clean up each area when he is done, help him to "share" with the other children, etc. Friend did not in any way manage her DS' behaviour and the staff mentioned it to me as he (friend's DS) was upsetting other children.

I did make a point of extending explanations to my DS that were fairly pointed....but she either did not get it or did not care. She also has a much older DD whose behaviour she has lost friends over - but she thinks is fine.

Not sure what to do as on the way out she said to me "This place is great, how often do you come here? We could come too!" So sorry no advice but watching with interest as I have no idea what to do now....

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