Bad behaviour in 5.5 yr old ds

[Lukilu]

I am having a nightmare at the moment. My ds doesn't seem to have any control over his behaviour. I threaten him with taking his toys away, banning him from watching tv...he really doesn't want to lose these things but just goes on and on and won't back down. He throws things at me, hits me and screams and shouts. I put him in his room he blows rasberries at me, there doesn't seem to be any point that he will give in. I feel all I'm doing is shouting at him, he's so willful and I'm so worn down. Both of us (his parents) have tempers and I obviously haven't taught him how to be calm. I just don't know how i can be calm when he's throwing things in my face and blantantly disrespecting me. When he is calm he is a lovely and sweet child but it's hard to see that the way things are at the moment. Would apprectiate any advice.

If you threaten something, always carry it through if he persists with the behaviour. Do not be surprised if he persists, just sigh and put the toy (or whatever)firmly out of his reach. Some children need this to happen a lot before they get the message that parents mean business. You say he really doesn't want to lose these things, but most children have a lot of toys and showing Mummy who's boss can often be a lot more fun.

If he's blowing raspberries when you put him in his room, that means you are still giving him your attention while you're trying to give him time out. Time out should mean being ignored by Mummy and every one for a short time (1 minute should be enough at that age) and then you say "why did you have to go to your room/the naughty step/the corner?" and don't let them out until they give the right answer.

There is no reason to expect calm behaviour at all times from a 5 year old, regardless of the personality traits of the parents. A child will test the boundaries and you just have to let them know what's acceptable, what isn't, and what the consequence will be
for continuing with certain behaviour after so many warnings.

On the other hand - pick your battles. It is exhausting to pick on every little thing. Also, I personally sometimes just pass the buck by saying to dh "Dh! He's said no to me" and he deals with it.

If you can see things escalating, you can try to distract him before it gets to the stage that you have to put your foot down.

Also: Catch Him Being Good. "Thank you for coming to bed calmly - would you like a story (or an extra story) tonight?"
Try to give him treats for good behaviour as well as pointing it out positively.

What kind of things set off this behaviour? You could try the ABC method - Action, Behaviour, Consequences. (I may have that wrong, it's a loooong time since I did this stuff...)

Anyway - first you think about what sets off the behaviour - eg, does he flare up when you ask him to switch off the telly? If so, why is that? Could you wait till the end of the programme? Or should you switch off the telly before the programme starts, during an ad break, for example? Look for ways to avoid conflict, but be firm about what you're asking him to do. You say you threaten - are you consistent in following through?

Then you discuss with him his behaviour, and alternative ways he could behave - eg, he could explain that this programme is very interesting/educational/whatever and negotiate around that. (Could you record the programme for later viewing?)

And then you agree consequences - if he's pleasant and polite he gets a reward, if he starts tantrumming and so on he is sent to his room (with no electronic gadgetry) or has a favourite toy confiscated for a set period, whatever.

Good luck.

Thanks to both of you for your very helpful suggestions. I always endeavour to carry out consequences but it gets a bit ridiculous sometimes when there's a whole load of confiscated toys on top of the kitchen cabinet! Then he gets some back, then half hour later i have to take one away again for some other misdemeanor. The battles are usually over coming in the bathroom with me to brush his teeth, getting dressed for school etc. I quite often turn the tv off because i give him a warning and he doesn't listen. He often lashes out when i turn it off but that's the consequence of not doing as i ask. Then I get wound up because he's hit me, we're going to be late for school etc and we both end up yelling at each other.
Anyway, we had a talk about how his behaviour needs to change and he was lovely this morning and i made a big fuss of him for being so good, so maybe some of it is getting through!! Thanks again it's good to have the advice.

Just a thought, but if the TV is a flashpoint, could you try not having it on until after he's washed, brushed, dressed etc? So if there are a spare 10 minutes (because he's been co-operative) before school he gets the reward of TV, if there's no time he'll know better the next day.

There are lots of good ideas in 'How to talk so kids will listen'.

I don't think you can expect him to remain calm if you don't.

He's still very young. I would let him express his anger and teach him how to do it in a way that is acceptable at home.

Eg he can punch his pillow, he can't throw things at you. He can roar but he can't call you names.

And ignore the raspberries. He'll soon get bored if you don't rise to the provocation.

Something I'm using at the moment with DS5.5 and DD3.5 that I'm finding helpful is something I read about a year or so ago. You have a list of behaviours that you're working on (for my DS it was initially 'Disobedience' - truly not doing what he was told; 'being cheeky', 'answering back' and 'fibbing'.) You have a series of boxes. Each time there's a transgression you get a cross in a box. The first three are 'chances' with no associated punishment. For the next ones there is an associated punishment. For us we are doing withdrawal of tv - they are allowed a set number of programmes each day (yes - I am over-controlling!!) and they lose one for each cross in a box after the first three. Start with a new series of boxes each day. Although I do start crossing off tomorrow's boxes sometimes .

This has been working for us recently (it didn't a year ago) because it removes the crossness from the situation. The calmer I am over it allows them to work out their own self-control. If I am cross with them then they react to that crossness instead of thinking about their own behaviour.