Would anyone care to help me think of things to help an anxious toddler?

[LowLevelWhingeing]

DS is 4.4 and has started becoming upset about going to nursery. This manifests crying and clinging to me/DP at drop off time and this morning he had to be peeled off me by the nursery staff.

It has been particularly bad since the Christmas break (i.e. 2 weeks at home with us) and I don't know quite what to do about it. He says he doesn't like going to nursery. The staff say he's fine within 10 minutes of us leaving. He sometimes behaves sad a pick up time too, but the staff say it comes out of nowhere and he is fine all day.

On top of this he is a little bit of an anxious child anyway. In the past we've had night terrors (around bonfire night, triggered by fireworks going off) and he frequently wakes with nightmares and is scared of going back to sleep. This has been worse since we were burgled in October - we didn't tell him that someone came in the house but he knows that our car was stolen, the police came and I was upset. He is absolutely terrified of the burglar alarm and talks about it frequently. One night it went off by accident and this seems to have left a lasting impression. We try and talk about what the alarm is, how it keeps us safe (from what??) and looks after us but he is freaked out by the idea of sensors being able to 'see' him.

I know that one thing that helps anxiety is routine, so we very rarely stray from our daily schedule, but has anyone got any other thoughts about this?

How can we help him feel more secure? Or am I missing the point here?

Sounds like you're doing the right thing be reassuring him and really only continual reassurance is going to help IME. DS2 was very anxious and is still the more anxious out of the 3. He would find what seemed quite small thing a big hurdle and found it would put him off school etc. If you are confident and sound like you have the voice of authority when you reassure him that things are going to be fine, and don't let yourself show that it upsets you that he's getting upset then IME it will get better in time.
Important thing is for him to trust that what you say is how it is eg when you reassure him about preschool, make sure you focus on the positive things that you know will happen and let him know that other children often feel the same way but there's really no need. It a fine line but he needs to know that there are some things that he will be concerned about but which he will find aren't that bad in reality.
Sorry to hear about the burglary and car theft - agree that those sorts of things can throw a child completely as it makes them aware of worries they didn't know they had previously

Oh god. he's not a toddler is he, he's a pre-schooler. That's PFB for you...

I knew what you meant from the age you gave!

Thanks for that bestbefore, I feel surprisingly moved by your post! I definitely don't show him that it upsets me and it's good to hear a reassuring voice of experience.

4 is a tricky age and you find that lots of children develop anxieties about all sorts of things that previously didn't bother them or that you didn't think they would be even thinking about!
FWIW ds2 is now a confident and settled child and although he is still cautious about various things, I like to think that knowing that he can trust what me and dh tell him has helped him to move forward from various things that really troubled him for a while when he was 4/4.5.
No doubt you'll get some more posts from other MNers with experience their experiences but tbh I don't think there's anything more you need to do apart from continue being the wise parent who your ds can rely on!

My DD is only 8 months so don't really have much advice.

But on the pre-school/nursery front, my Step MIL was a nursery nurse and told me that she was amazed by the amount of children that get really upset when they're dropped off and the minute their poor parents finally get away, they are all smiley and happy and playing with their friends. The same at home-time, they are happy until they are picked up and then they get upset. So the poor parents think they've been unhappy all day! Which is not the case. So definitely trust the nursery staff on that one.

Other than that, the advice that bestbefore has given is great and you will likely get some more.

Good luck!

xx

Thanks Dawn, I have wondered if the nursery staff just tell me what I want to hear, so it's good to know that it's a common situation.

Following on from what DawnAS says, primary school is just the same. School staff are so used to children having these issues, especially after having had a school holiday and a break from it, that they devise ways of distracting the child from being upset by giving them a little job to do etc so they forget all about being anxious or upset.You're certainly not alone with this experience!

I forgot to say also, he's afraid of going in certain rooms on his own. For example, some days he won't go in the kitchen to get something he wants, even if we're just next door.

Fair enough, but it becomes more of a pain when he won't go upstairs to the loo on his own. The thought of it makes him scream and cry. One of us has to go with him or promise to stand at the bottom of the stairs which is a bit of a pain when he has a nice long relaxing poo.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

When he was that age I gave my ds1 a special stone of mine and told him to keep it in his pocket and when he felt like he needed mummy he could put his hand in his pocket and know that I was thinking of him.

He is 10 now, and he was very anxious about going into school one day (been in a bit of trouble) and I reminded him about the stone, and gave him one to put in his pocket

(disclaimer - I would not trust my ds2 with a stone in his pocket at nursery )

Aww, I like that idea, thanks Wallace. I'll have a think about something he could keep with him, maybe a little photo as he's interested in them.

My DD had about 3 weeks of exactly the same when she was in nursery. We did a couple of things that really helped:

• First off, we talked about it really openly - just me and her. We had a nice cuddle and I asked her how she felt when she was dropped off at nursery, she told me all about her feelings and what was making her feel sad. I think it's important for them to see that they will be listened to - being open about difficult feelings actually makes them less scary and overwhelming.

• Then we did like Wallace and made a magical locket for her to take to nursery! It had pictures of me and her in it (ok more like a Xmas card than a locket, but you get the picture ... ) We made it together and talked a lot about how she could use it to make her feel happy again. e.g. would she remember she had it when she felt sad, maybe she could sit quietly and look at it. Basically we invested it with magical powers! Also we took it to the teacher together and asked her to keep it safe and to remind dd to get it out if she felt sad.

And it really did work!! On the first couple of days she needed to look at the locket a few times, and this was enough to prevent melt-downs. And by a few weeks later it was all forgotten.

I too have an anxious 4.1 yr old. we bought a book called the 'highly sensitive child' and its very good at providing an understanding of anxious/sensitive children and strategies to support them. my ds 'worries' about everything - he will not play in his bedroom upstairs by himself, sleep by himself (!) or do much alone unless he is in a very secure, familiar place (ie at home)or knows the other parties well/in a small group setting .... but in other ways he is a happy and sociable child.
we did move our ds from his first nursery as it got to the stage where we literally had to 'manhandle' him into the car to go and it started to feel abusive almost. I moved him to a nursery where there was a very small class with older staff members and he is much happier - I appreciate this may not be an option for you.
It is hard and draining and we just provide as much affection and security as we can (although i do need to work part time) and we're hoping its just a phase.

Hi there

I am sorry to hear about your ds anxieties, my son is 11 and it is difficult to remember how he was 7 years ago Im afraid ;-(

I think you are doing all the right things by talking to him about what he's thinking and feeling.

Im new to this, I just read and posted on a thread about a NM 11yr old ds who is anxious... what was interesting is hearing the ds interpretation of what mum said, which was different to what she meant, the example she gave was when ds helped her she would say 'you didn't have to help, but thanks' and ds later said he felt she meant she didnt need/want his help, and what mum meant was thanks that was a nice surprise i appreciated you helping when you didnt have to. Long explanation I know, but we often think adults with similar points of reference to ours understand what we have said/get our meaning when they dont, so its not surprising when children who have very different points of reference dont understand us.

I have (and still do) find it really difficult to find the correct way to go about being honest and not scaring the hell out of a child. Children need to understand some dangers, but not all are clear and present dangers. It is a dilemma because my ds remembers every word I have ever said and when they get older and you start being more open/revealing more about dangers they remember what you've said int he past!!

Have you tried asking what it is that is scary about going in the other room on his own, and then saying right lets send daddy in on his own, then daddy comes back smiling, and then lets see you go on your own...etc. if you ask him what would happen if you werent stood at the bottom of the stairs when he was on the loo?

I do believe that children settle quickly into nursery school after the parents go.

I dont like the word bribery, but making one option seem more fun can work... so whilst you dont want to put him off helping with housework you could say if he stayed at home with you he would need to do housework all day? (Am I really mean?) or let him chose a new t shirt or hat or shoes or a 'grown up-big boys' bag that he really likes and can wear just for nursery. Maybe try using a family wall palnner and writing on the days nursery and mummy/daddy work and other things for weekend and when theres no nursery so he knows in advance when he will be at nursery and when he will be off and when he will return to nursery.... not that kids really understand time very well, my 11 yr old doesnt get what 'just 10 more minutes' means!! but if its on the wall planner it is definately happening, non-negotiable.

I could probably chat all day, I hope some of this is useful...Im no expert Im afraid ;-(

Thanks for the wise words ladies, very helpful.

So, we obviously need to have a nice relaxed chat with him. When I've asked him why he's scared, he says he doesn't know which I take as him meaning he doesn't know how to put it into words. Maybe if we talked to him about it away from the situation, when he's calm it might help. I'm going to try the special thing for his pocket (or whatever), and it's nice to hear another success story boobmeister

icancancan, that book sounds interesting. Can you remember the author? I had a quick look on Amazon and got a variety of options (including "The Crystal Children: A Guide to the Newest Generation of Psychic and Sensitive Children " )

Quiero, some great suggestions there. Do you know? We have a family planner in our kitchen (I'm that type ) and I never thought to involve him in it. D'oh!

I'm a bit disappointed that your 11yr old DS still doesn't know what "in 10 minutes" means. So I could be waiting at least another 7 years before he understands a sleepy, "mummy will get up in 5 minutes" ?

mmm....I'm afraid time seems to be open to interpretation.... 10mins on the xbox is loosely around about half an hour and we are leaving this shop in 5 mins seems to be taken very literally!!

I like th stone in the pocket idea, and the locket... I would worry about the possibility of the stone getting lost, but the locket thats looked after by the nursery teacher is good, although not as readily accessible in times of need as a stone in the pocket. decsions decisions!!

Would like to hear how you get on.

best wishes.

Also, just wanted to add - You know the way that they get really upset when we're there, but after we go, the teacher says they calmed down and were fine? I've read in a lot of child development/psychology books that we shouldn't take this to mean that the distress isn't real and the child is having us on in some way.

It's just that little kids have a kind of coping mechanism which they snap into after their parent leaves. The reason why they get upset when we are there is because we are the specific person who can respond to their emotional needs and is able to comfort them. The teacher cannot do this, so the child switches off emotions until we reappear. So in a way, it's a sort of compliment to us parents! Not that this makes it any easier when you are trying to leave a sobbing child, but it does reinforce the need to acknowledge that the anxiety is real for them.

BTW I just remembered another lovely tactic which was used on Supernanny, of all things!

This little girl was scared of the dark in her room, her parents kept trying to tell her again and again that she was safe, there was nothing to worry about, but this wasn't working. Jo had a chat to find out how the little girl saw things, and she said that there was a monster in the corner of her room. So rather than telling her that the monster wasn't there, instead they got her daddy to come and cast a magic spell in her bedroom (with wand!) to banish the monster. And that seemed to work, because for the first time the little girl's fears were being taken seriously and also because she had total belief in her daddy's magic powers!

BTW I did something similar with my dd too when she went through a phase of being scared of the dark/monsters etc and it also seemed to work. Sometimes the fears come back and then I tell her very firmly, "Yes but don't forget - my mummy magic keeps all the vampires away, so there's no way they can get in here!"

I'm even starting to believe it myself :-)