She wants to be alone - aged 9 - and over sensitive

[MillyMollyMoo]

She is a proper drama queen at times and I do despair and blame hormones - at 9 ?
But dd1 has been upset all week about a child at school touching her, poking her that sort of thing and saying mean things to her, so off I trot to the head to complain about this little horror only to be told that dd isn't exactly backward in coming forward to snitch on the other girls and is complaining every break time about some minor incident and sounds like a bit of a pest in all honesty.
How can I help her to get a grip, her sisters are very bossy and domineering and younger. It feels like the poor soul is taking everything to heart and getting herself in a right state.
The teachers have tried to get her into the group but she won't make an effort and says she just wants to be left alone

I couldn't let this go unanswered. I was pretty much the same around that age - I just wanted to be left alone. I also had 3 sisters (1 older, two younger) and didn't get on with them at all. I remember my mum trying so hard to find out what was going on but I would always clam up when she asked. TBH, at the time, I felt that she favoured my sisters and didn't tell them off when they had been mean to me. As a child, we are taught that if we do something wrong, we will be punished, but all I could see around me was people being mean to me and not being punished/told off for it adequately.

All I can say is

1. The way you phrased your last paragraph ("how can I help her to get a grip ...") seems to presume that the issues are from her end only (believe it or not, my mother used the exact same words). That is the WRONG way to approach it. You need to make sure that all because she is the oldest, doesn't mean that her younger sisters don't take the flak if THEY are being pests. It's VERY hard to be told to let something go if you know that, were the tables turned, you would be told off/punished.

1. Rather than constantly asking her straight out what's wrong (you'll find she just repeats the same mantra of wanting to be left alone/retreats into a shell), try and arrange some alone time with her on a regular basis, where it's just the two of you, no one else. She is more likely to open up to you as to how she is feeling when she is relaxed and away from her siblings/school. I appreciate this might be hard if you have other DCs, but I do think it's important. My mum had 5 DCs in total and couldn't really set aside time for just me. The way I felt resulted in me attempting suicide at age 9, my mum unfortunately died a few years later and it all really did affect me - for a long time, I resented her (immature, I know, but children can't help how they feel).

1. Try and see if she can get the "alone" time she craves. I was always at my happiest locked away in the spare room with books to read/puzzles to play. If you have somewhere at home she can use as "her space", even if it's just a few hours a week, it will make all the difference. Most importantly, enforce it - don't let her siblings get in her way or disturb her.

1. She's starting puberty and at a sensitive age where she's starting to question things and people around her, and herself. It is normal and she WILL most likely grow out of it

I've tried to approach this by thinking what I would have wanted at that age. Some might think the things listed above are unreasonable and overindulgent, but really, it's just the same as adults wanting some time to themselves without people hanging on/around, and wanting to be treated the same as others.

HTH.

Also, think about what you expect from her. Although I was the second DC, my parents put a lot of pressure on me, far more than they did on my older sister (which I never really understood) or younger siblings. It may be that, as the oldest, you expect her to carry on with things even though she really is still just a child. Or it may be that she perceives things that way. Either way, try and find time away from home (somewhere neutral/somewhere that she likes/out shopping etc) to discuss this.

And also make sure that the school aren't just completely dismissive if she reports her fellow students to teachers. Being treated like a "pest" just reinforces the seeming injustice of it all, which is likely to ensure that she either carries on acting the way she is currently, or completely shutting off, neither of which are good.

God, this just brings it all back - how horribly sad I felt at that age I'm off to fill the emotional hole with lots of Snickers!

Thank you for such a thoughtful reply, I'll take some time to digest it and see what we can action immediately to help her. Thanks again xx