Understanding consequences at age 4...

[sarimillie]

I have just got home with my four year old. We had lunch in a cafe (a big treat), after which he caused quite a few £ worth of damage to goods they had on sale. This was an accident, but it did follow lots of warnings not to touch. We had planned to go to a friend's house this afternoon (much anticipated) but I've brought him straight home instead, telling him why.

I think this was the right thing to do - but do four year old understand consequences, and will it teach him anything?

I do fully accept that accidents happen, and that if I take my kid somewhere there are things around that they can break, it probably will happen. I would be interested to know whether this course of action will teach a four year old anything,though, and to hear others' views and experiences...

babies understand consequences
yr olds understand this type of scenario

you did the right thing

I have a four year old and know that they are not always good at listening and acting upon warnings. I agree that having caused damage to goods when told not to (did you have to pay for them?) is not good, but I'm not as sure about not going to the friend's house.

Was it a friend of his ie would this have disappointed the other child who had done nothing wrong? And it isn't really a direct consequence of breaking things that you don't get to go somewhere - it is a punishment (which is also fine, but it isn't what follows naturally).

I'm not sure what I would have done in the same situation. Would probably have apologised immensely to the owner, then slunk out, but not sure what consequence I would have felt was suitable.

Hello Noah

Thanks for your message. Yes, I did have to pay - the only saving grace was that the sale will have been very helpful to the owner!

His friend will be OK with it, since a bunch of them were expected and she will ahve fun with them.

So that just leaves the question of whether I did the right thing by my son, which is directly linked to whether he is likely to have learned anything from the experience. What I'm not sure about is whether the average four year old can learn from this kind of situation, i.e. whether their stage of development would allow for this...would feel bad if they just can't, and I've made him, and me, a bit sad for no reason.

Thank you hobbgoblin! That helps. (How odd that I didn't see your message till I'd answered Noah's!)

A punishment is a consequence - you behave badly and thus you are punished.

I never use the term punishment as I am a liberal type and consequence sounds fairer and more reasonable to me.

Punishments have an air of authoritarian figure about them as opposed to consequence which is controlled by the person with most experience and responsibility, taking into account the needs of the child

I am with you on the punishment/consequences thing. Interestingly "punishment" never popped into my head when I made the decision, although, now I think about it, it clearly was a punishment. Am also a liberal type, tho I (clearly) agonise a bit about how to teach children how to behave.
I am pleased that he's now napping (thank goodness he still naps most days) - means we don't have to dwell on it when he gets up.

hmm i am not sure it will really teach a 4 year old anything

i think at this age they're only just grasping consequences in that way. of course if you say "what will happen if i push this glass over?" they will think about it and realise it will break.
but when they are playing the lack 1.) impulse control and 2.) the ability to be thinking about the consequences of their actions almost constantly (unlike an adult) they just DON'T think about it like that

Personally I wouldn't have given multiple warnings. I would have just said "ds, if you touch those things they may break. Please stop NOW or I will have to help you stop"
then if he had done it again i'd have either made him sit at the table, or I'd have left.

the fact is, as you say yourself, it was an accident. he coul;dn't help but touch, you didn't stop him, an accident happened and he got punished by not letting him play at a friends house which not only was a delayed punishment, but was also totally unrelated to the offence

I think you did the right thing.The problem that I have with my ds2 also 4 is that whenever a treat is arranged he becomes so excited that his behavior is worse than it ever is. I always threaten to not take him places and then usually back down as I don't want to ruin the day for everyone. Well done for following through.

That is a good line "Please stop NOW or I will have to help you stop"

I will try to remember to use that one, but it will be hard to make it not sound like a threat

when i am feeling charitable i say "would you like me to help you stop?" lol

I agree with thisisyesterday.

You knew the consequence of allowing him to play with things he shouldn't and you still let him play until they broke. The consequence of this was that you punished your son and then didn't get the peace and quiet you would have done if he'd gone to his friends.
Next time bring a few toys for him to play with and if he touches anything he shouldn't warn once and if he does it again follow through with immediate consequence e.g. sitting at the table/leaving as thisisyesterday suggests.

My 2 year old understands consequences if I point them out e.g. do you want to slip and bang your head? No. Then please walk carefully at the swimming pool. If I didn't point them out she wouldn't think of them. It actually works better this way than just saying "stop running!"

Ah, that is better, yesterday. I have a 3 year old ds who is very impulsive and sometimes really can't just stop himself.

same here wallace, well he's nearly 5 now actually, and getting better but needs reminding now and then.
they do just get excited and carried away.

this is why it is important to always have tea and cake when out!

Am all in favour of tea and cake!

And I'll try the "would you like me to help you stop?" line. I suspect I would still take him home another time, though, rather than out for further excitements.