4 year old son being bullied at school

[Jolene2]

My DS1 started in reception a couple of weeks ago. Until last week, we had no concerns. He seemed to be enjoying it and making new friends. However, last Thursday, when I went to pick him up, the teacher informed me (at the classroom door...) that there had been an incident (a tussle over a toy) and another boy had tried to strangle DS1...... The head teacher made me feel like I was being a troublesome parent, telling me, 'we mustn't demonise the child' and that he is learning boundaries. I did point out that I feel there is a big difference between pushing and shoving and strangling! Feeling I was being fobbed off, I then made it clear that I knew that the boy in question has been at school since September and is known for being violent towards other children. Head teacher said "but it's the first time he's tried to strangle anyone"..... [Oh silly me, that's ok then Anyway, they assured me they'd supervise more closely etc etc and let me know if anything else at all happened. It turns out that today, the thug had taken a pair of scissors to my DS1. Thankfully they were ''only'' safe scissors so the physical damage is fairly minimal but (1) we're really concerned about the impact this will have on DS1 emotionally etc, (2) the boy seems to have targeted DS1 deliberately again (3) the school did not inform us there was another incident though it seems the staff all knew as boy was put on thinking chair and sent to see foundation head too.

Does anyone have any experience of similar situataions? I have no idea what rights we have when it comes to taking action. I don't want to make things worse but we have to take this up with school. How to tackle it though?

I don't have any experience of this but have a child in reception.

I would be concerned as strangling and attacking a child with scissors are serious things - if it was pinching/pushing/biting I wouldn't be as concerned.

Could you ask for a meeting with the school to discuss how they are going to handle any other incidents in the future and how they are going to prevent more from happening.

How did you find out about the second incident if the didn't tell you - was it your ds/other children/parents? Just wondering if you have the full story.

Also unusual for them to tell you which child has done it (usually a policy that they tell you what happened but not which child did it).

o.k. really sorry, but think you are over-reacting. 2 incidents in 2 days does not consitute bullying. in reception all the boys were finding boundaries of pushing and shoving. one boy kicked alot. my ds told me they had played a strangling game. to which i was horrified. but it is all normal i am afraid.
they didn't tell you about the scissors ? ask to be informed of all incidents at the moment. say that you are concerned. but thats it. any more than that and it would appear that you were bing over-precious.

by the way, ds is as weak as a robin, and this is a particularly loving ethos catholic school. when the boys were a tiny bit rough, with eachother, in the first term of reception, they tackled it head on. seperated them. had emotional development classes about friends, how to treat eachother, expressing anger etc tec. very very strict. finished by xmas.
so its not that i am namby pamby re boys. but i still think you are over-reacting. sorry.

I agree that 'bullying' is way to strong a term to describe these two incidents.

Is your ds upset about it? Has he talked to you much about the incidents?

I would try to spend some quality time with him and subtly try to get him to tell you his feelings about school. It can really help them if they just talk it through sometimes. Also try, hard though it is, to refrain from giving advice saying instead things like, 'He had scissors! How did that make you feel?'

I agree, it is unusual to be told name of child and I imagine their policy would not be to do so normally. However, the boy in question has been causing a lot of trouble since he joined in September and his grandma who collects him is frequently being told of incidents. I was aware of his name and behaviour before DS1 even started, having heard stuff from other children and parents. In this case, they didn't tell me the name, I said that if it was the boy I was thinking of, I knew he had a few issues with boundaries and that's when they started talking about him by name.

Oblomov & Spidermama - bullying perhaps not the right word but I actually wanted people to read my post and couldn't think of another way to describe it (lateish at night and a bit emotional, family friend also terminally ill with days to live so .......)

I'm lucky in that I'm on maternity leave on the morning so we have been able to spend lots of time talking and doing things at home after school, drawing, playing etc. DS does seem to be troubled by it, though not so badly as we initially feared. Last night, DH found him crying in bed (v unusual) and also DS announced for first time ever that he is scared of the dark. A lot going on while they settle in at school, I know, but I still feel strangling and using scissors to hurt is rather more boundary pushing than I'm comfortable with! If that makes me precious, then so be it.

Anyway, we have met with the head today. They are going to change the way they supervise things and also report incidents to us. The boys will be separated for the next few weeks to see if that breaks what could be the beginning of a pattern.

Thanks all for thoughts

That should have been on leave at the moment, not on the morning... Doh. That would be shortest maternity leave ever, probably