to compromise or not

[molk]

my 5 year old ds is generally very good, but when he can't do something he wants to do eg. start lego at bedtime, he will cry and plead. my husband {who doesn't like conflict), tends to compromise with him and come to some deal such as we will do to number 5 then straight to bed. i on the other hand would demand that he comes to bed straight away and end up with tears. the end result is the same for both of us ie. he ends up in bed 10 mins later, but my husbands way keeps him happy whereas i would end up with grief. Just curious to know others views on which approach is best.

Are you giving warnings before bed - so e.g. 'bedtime in 10 mins'. I find that this gives my 5yo time to start whining about marble run or another game of uno then. He gets to play one brief game and still gets to bed on time.

I would have thought it depended on whether the compromise was obviously 'giving in' after an instruction had been given, or whether that was the way going to bed (or whatever) was managed. For example, if you say to him 'you can play until the big hand reaches the 12 and then it's bedtime' you shouldn't compromise after that, I don't think. Pleading and crying nonetheless! But at five he's old enough to help create rules for himself, so you could do that by working with him. My SIL has a clock for her daughter with a bunny that gets up when it's getting up time and lies down when it's bedtime - might that work? Is it just bedtime or everything?

What you don't want is a situation where you have to be the enforcer and your DH is seen as a soft touch. That way lies a loss of respect!

Whatever you decide you need to get your DH to agree with you and then stick to the plan.

I started at the absolutist "what I say goes" point. However, somewhere along the line it occured to me that if ds (6) or dd (5) say to me "OK, but I just want to finish this first", it is not unreasonable to allow them to do that - they are entitled to a degree of control (I think). Now I will say "tea time" and they will say "can I...." and I will ask how long they think that is likely to take. If its just a few minutes, fine, it its longer, I win.

i think that is what i am tending towards now goosey. my daughter is 2 so i do do the what i say goes approach with her generally, but my son makes quite rational reasons for 'just doing something first'. if i put myself in his shoes i can see where he is coming from. i think my approach will be 'ok just do that' then no compromise after that.