Telling a 4 yr old about death

[Leo35]

would really appreciate some advice, we are both shocked at the news that FIL has died suddenly and will need to tell our older son aged 4.7, well something, tomorrow morning.

What do say? How to say? I've had a quick search, but most of threads that I've looked at are answers in response to a child raising the question, in a more observational situation. We have to tell him about his beloved Grandpa.

TIA - I am usually 'good with words' but have no idea on this. I am welling up just writing this out. He was a lovely, lovely man.

Didn't want this post to go unanswered, I don't have much to add, just that I am so sorry about you FIL.

My Grandma died when I was four and I can still remember saying good night to her each night. Used to look out of my window and wave to the sky so believe my parents must have told me she was up there.

Hopefully someone will come along soon who has a better idea.

Thank you Claire. I have spent some time doing chores and not over thinking it, if that makes sense.

People seem to have gone for explanations of inside and outside body and then that the inside body is now in heaven or in the stars. DH is not religious, but his family are, so need to tread carefully - on so many levels.

We have had to do just this tonight Leo.

FIL died suddenly, we told our DD's 6 & 4.

We just sat with them and told them me had some sad news. We then told them that FIL had died, they have some experience of loved ones passing as my Nan died last year, and we also lost a loved cat.

We used to say Nan and the kitty were sitting eating smoked salmon sandwiches in heaven, we have now said that FIL is with them. As we were out at Pizza Express with him about 4 weeks ago we said he had decided to take Nan and Tilly there for a change, they were going to try his favourite baked cheesecake.

We then looked at some old photos of DH as a little one with his Dad.

DD (6) was quite upset, but DD (4) seemed to take it more in her stride.

Sorry for your families sad loss.

HTH

Leo, my DH is a total atheist, but he seems to be happy with this explanation for our DD's.

Sorry for your loss.

When I did some teacher-training we were introduced to some picture books/fiction that dealt with the death of a grandparent. Sorry I can't remember the name of one in particular but it was lovely; something like Grandpa's chair, and in the story the chair finally ended up empty. Perhaps a librarian can advise? Sorry to be so vague. That might not help much in the short term but might be useful a bit later.

FWIW I remember hearing about the loss of my granddad and how upset my mum was, and I kind of didn't mind seeing her upset as it was a real and true reaction.

All the best... x

As far as I know the only real no-no is saying that someone's 'gone to sleep' - can make a child think that every time they go to sleep they might not wake up. Has your child ever seen a dead bird or anything like that? Would something like 'Grandpa doesn't live in his body anymore but the bit of him that's Grandpa lives somewhere else' be understood?

Hi, thanks for the messages. DH told DS this morning, and although he seemed more interested in his cars (!), the information is percolating through. It's such a big thing to get your head around, even for grown ups.

Feeling very tired and very sad. DS2 gave us a dreadful night last night, so I am off to bed now before my head lolls onto my laptop. Thanks all, the advice will be useful in the next few days and weeks.

good luck

be aware that it can take a while to process with DCs so small.
My DD lost a freind of hers at nursery when they were both 4.
She took the initial thing quite well but then got quite sad and upset for a while. Then my dad died.

We found that having lots of chats where you are open about the fact that it is sad but that it is the way of the world did work and she was fine.She saw me crying about my dad a few times and that reassured her - funnily enough.

She still mentions now ( because I think she has realised that it is extra sad for a child to die) but she is fine

You may find that he has already formed his views and is reasonably matter of fact about it. DS1 (4.9) has developed very firm views about people becoming angels over the past few months. We haven't discussed the topic with him at all and we are not religious. He seems to find the idea of people becoming angels and living in heaven comforting.

Good luck and I'm sorry for your loss xxx

Just wanted to add my experience. My MIL died before DD was born but there is a big family photo in my FIL's house. She asked who MIL was and we explained that it was Daddy's mummy but that she wasn't here any more and had gone to heaven - this was when she was 3. We aren't at all religious but I think this is an area where a concept like heaven actually helps. We get random questions about whether Granny Jenny knows things or saw things and we say she did. A few weeks ago she asked what heaven was like which was a difficult one but I said it was different for everyone but full of things you love. I think it's important not to shield them too much as they will have to learn about death at some point. BTW very sorry for your sudden loss.