"But he told me to do it..." (may be long)

[thisisyesterday]

ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

background: ds1 started reception in sept. He finds it hard to make friends, although other children seem to like him and want to play with him (he once told me he wouldn't play with someone because they knew his name and he didn't know theirs)

I encouraged a friendship with a little boy who lives nearby who we sometimes walk to/from school with
they are now "best friends" according to ds1.

Right, to the point!
The other day they had a playdate at the other boys house (we'll call him B)
They were playing upstairs along with ds2. I overheard B say "push him into the wall" and then shortly afterwards ds2 started crying

I went upstairs to find ds1 and B holding ds2 and banging his head agaisnt a stairgate!!!
needless to say I was furious and brought them all downstairs and got my lot ready to go home. WhileI was getting them ready B was saying things like "punch your mum" and "kick my mum" which ds1 did!!!

Later on at home when things were calmer I asked him why he had hurt ds2 and he said to me
"B told me to do it. First I thought no it's a bad thing to do, but then i thought yes cos he told me to and I always do what B tells me to do"

anyway, I decided ok, no more playdates for a while and we'll see how things go. lots of talking about how we don't do what other people say, esp if it's something not nice etc etc

ROll on today and I get called in after school to talk to his teacher.
he (and B) have been in trouible today for putting a piece of bark into another child's mouth which then got stuck, pretending to strangle a child and another thing that I can't remember
DS1 on being asked why he did these things again said he did it because B told him to. The teachers know that B was involved, but it was ds1 who actually put the bark in the mouth, did the pretend strangling etc, so of course he is in the most trouble

I don't know what to do. I do believe ds1 when he says that B told him to do the things as I've heard B telling him this kind of thing before. I am still shocked though that ds1 actually did them, and sad too. also shocked at where B is getting this kind of thing from- they're not even 5 yet!

obviously teachers keeping a very close eye on the pair of them, and working with the whole class on issues to do with friendship etc etc. I think they're handling it all really well, and we have the senco involved now for ds1 who was having issues earlier in the school year with aggression towards teachers

I just don't know how to stop him doing what B tells him to do!

There are some good children's books out there that can address the idea of empathy - if your DS understands how much distress it will cause other children when they are bullied it may help. Also discussing the idea of responsibility for your own actions, which may be borne in upon him from having got into trouble.

I have to say, though - if it was my child I'd have no hesitation at all in separating him from B and encouraging different friends, before other mothers decide your ds may be persona non grata because he's friends with B - who seems to have issues.

octavia, do you know tghe name of any books?

I am def going to encourage some more friendships, he does have other friends at school now, but B is the one he generally plays with I think.
I might try and invite a few other children over for playdates and stuff

Definitely invite other children over for playdates.

I had the same situation with ds when he was 4 and 5. My ds was getting into so much trouble becaause of this other boy. I ended up asking for them to be in separate classes the next year, which helped a lot.

When it would happen after school, I would often reprimand this other boy whose mother wouldn't do a thing. It was so infuriating.

So, what worked for us was to separate them as much as possible. I spoke to the teacher about it (it was hard not to accuse directly, but I just said that he was too influenced by this other boy) and she separated them during class time.

On the playground they always played together though and my ds ended up having no other friends because of this boy. This year has been great, as they both now have other friends so they don't hang out together as much.

will def encourage other friends then.
there is only one class per year at his school, so no chance of separating them, and tbh I think ds would be quite upset if they were anyway, but I do think that if I can encourage more friendships then it will kind of dilute his obsession with B a bit maybe?

teacher and senco are going to be watching them at playtime though and I did manage to ahve a chat with ds1 after tea tonight about what he could say to B if he tells ds1 to do anything else naughty.

he reminds me so much of myself as a child and I don't want him to end up like me!

This link goes to a pdf about children's books on bullying: www.cambridgeshire.gov.uk/NR/rdonlyres/BD3CE5EF-88FC-46F1-B855-47B4D6C98149/0/ChildrensBookletforBul lying.pdf

Maybe you could get one for B too!

Thanks for that list Octavia.

I've just been reading one (There's a Boy in The Girls' Bathroom) to my 9 year old, who has been bullied.

It is written from the point of view of a "bully" who changes, with the help of her school counsellor and a new boy in his class, and is funny and moving.

I've lent it to the school counsellor at his school, as I think it would be great for inviting discussion in PHSCE for KS 2 children

thanks for that Octavia, i'd managed to find a couple of those ones on amazon last night, so due to arrive tomorrow and we'll see how we get on

he seemed very positive this morning and told me what he'd say to B if he asked him to do anything else naughty so we;ll see!

'There's a Boy in the Girl's Bathroom' is very good.

Remind DS1 that it doesn't matter who tells him to do something naughty, it is the person who actually does it who gets into trouble. I would try to keep them separate as much as possible - separate tables at school if possible, shame there isn't another class as that would probably be the best thing. Encourage other friends before his friendship with B alienates him from the others.

well he has been in trouble again today for something- he is steadfastly refusing to admit it even happened.

I talk to him til i'm blue in the face, most of the time I just get a load of backchat and screaming aimed at me from him when I do though.

It sounds as though he's picking up some serious bad example from B.

this raising children lark is bloody hard work.

it all seemed so promising in the early days when all I had to do was cuddle him and feed him and carry him about!!!

thisisyesterday - I sympathise entirely - sometimes I wonder if I'd known back then what I know now if I'd have bothered with kids at all! Then they go and do something lovely and I feel awful.

I would get him away from B as much as you can. Speak to his teacher and explain your concerns over B's influence over him - see what the teacher thinks (she may be of the same opinion). If so, she can help by keeping them at separate tables etc during classtime, but playtime will be up to your DS. I have a book called 'bullies, bigmouths and so called friends' (recommended by someone else on here - whoever it was thanks!) - it's a great book and although your DS is young he may be able to get some help from it in dealing with his so-called friend.

In the meantime, encourage other friends - invite them round etc.

Good luck.