Ex abuse claims

[EmilyD]

My son went to stay with his dad last weekend who he sees every other weekend and 2/3 of the holidays. (they are 150 miles away)

Apparently when they were about to leave my son threw a fit (he is 7) saying he didn't want to leave, he wanted to live with them and questioning who made decisions about residency etc etc.

When he came home he was fine, happy, sad to leave his dad but nothing out of the usual.

I asked him what was wrong and all he came up with was my partner hadn't let him stay long enough at a place they visited together (he had to be back in time for a party) and also that he couldn't find him at the venue for 1 minute and got scared. I also asked him about the incident and he said he didn't want to live all the time with his dad, just wanted more time.

My ex jumped to the conclusion that the reaction in my son meant he was being abused!!!! My son is the happiest he has been in so long.

All i can think of is that he was very tired as had had a late night night before and just missed his dad as I am pretty much always around my son, and when not he is in school or in a club with lots of people about. It is rare for my partner to take him out on his own and after that day my son was so happy.

I am concerned that this one incident has automatically made my ex assume my son is being abused by one of us! Has anyone else had this situation where when the child visits an ex they get very emotional and an ex kicks off. My ex has made it quite clear he would like my son to live with him. He is prone to depression etc and not a stable person.

Any advice would be really welcome

I'm going to bump this for you, hope you get some advice x

thanks

Sorry no one else has got back to you yet. Try bumping it tonight once people have put their babies to bed and are online.

Sadly it sounds like you and your ex do not have a very good relationship and that there is not much trust between the two of you.

I think your son might be feeling quite conflicted, which is understandable but hard. I'm a single parent too and don't have a good relationship with my ex (we only communicate by letter or terse text messages), so I understand how difficult it can be.

My parents got divorced after a very unhappy marriage when I was ten. My mother was forever bad-mouthing my father and it made me feel very defensive of my Dad. My Dad was a crap parent and couldn't/wouldn't have looked after us anyway, but I felt very torn.

Not sure it helps, but I would try and be as negative or positive as possible about your ex. Easier said than done!

Also, I think you'll get more response if you post this in lone parentd or relationships.

Sadly it sounds like you and your ex do not have a very good relationship and that there is not much trust between the two of you.

I think your son might be feeling quite conflicted, which is understandable but hard. I'm a single parent too and don't have a good relationship with my ex (we only communicate by letter or terse text messages), so I understand how difficult it can be.

My parents got divorced after a very unhappy marriage when I was ten. My mother was forever bad-mouthing my father and it made me feel very defensive of my Dad. My Dad was a crap parent and couldn't/wouldn't have looked after us anyway, but I felt very torn.

Not sure it helps, but I would try and be as negative or positive as possible about your ex. Easier said than done!

Also, I think you'll get more response if you post this in lone parentd or relationships.

Sorry, not sure why it double posted.

Well, if your ex did try and make any 'abuse' claims in order to try and secure custody of your son I doubt that he'd get anywhere, the only cards in his hand being a complete lack of evidence coupled his own history of depression/instability.

This must be really tough for you - on the one hand you don't want your son to be exposed to tensions between you and your ex, but on the other wondering if just letting stuff like this go will mean further tensions in the future. I'm not sure what to advise really - or even if anything I did offer would be the right thing to say, given that I don't have any experience of this situation myself. I hope someone with more knowledge can help you.

I think the main issue here is that your son is torn between the two of you.

To that end surely it would be better for you and your ex to try and build bridges so your son will feel more secure when moving back and forth between the pair of you?

We have a similar situation at the moment with one of my stepchildren. He says he wants to live with his dad and has just requested an extra weekend a month with his dad which is currently being considered by his mum. The problem here also is that DH and his ex have no trust between them and everything has to be done by letter because they literally cannot talk to each other. I have advised DH that he really needs to try and build bridges for the benefit of his sons but each time he tries she clams up even more. It is a horrible situation for the children but one which I am determined will get sorted because those boys deserve two parents that can work together to raise their children as two people should.

Talk to your son, try initiating calm, civil dialogue with your ex and see how that goes.

It may be daunting and perhaps you will expect arguments but it has to start somewhere.

Good luck.

The weird thing is that I don't ever slag off the ex, in fact I am positive about him and have always encouraged contact with my son even after he didn't have contact for 6 months!

From what I can gather my ex husband has been telling my son he really misses him and would like him to live with him and his wife so it has put pressure on him which I think upsets my son. He also told him that when he is 10 he can choose where he wants to live!

The issue I do have is that whenever I try and talk to ex he bullies me, is quite aggressive and so it has become easier to text or email, however I did speak to him on the phone about this when my son was apparently really upset and it was him making insinuations and assuming things and not letting me talk. We tried mediation before and he accused the mediator of being on my side!