DS started school - ok at start - now being rejected by classmates

[Alwaysoverthinking]

Hi there am a newbie here, not just to mumsnet but any chat room so please forgive me if I drift a bit or get lost

Not sure of the etiquette here but a brief intro - 37yo, living with dp, 1 x 5yo ds, 1 x 3yo dd. Dog and goldfish complete the happy family.

Anyhoo, just looking for a bit of advice hopefully or at least some sympathy/empathy.

DS started school August, all seemed to be going great, coming home full of news about school and who he had been playing with etc.

About October/November I noticed not so excited and a few times had said he was just hanging about himself at lunchtime.

After xmas hols he was only back a few days before he took cp and was off till last wednesday. Asking how his day had been thursday, he said a few kids had told him to go away and that he couldn't play. He said he then just went away and hung out on his own.

If this was only once or twice I wouldn't be overly worried but I get the impression it's most days.

TBH he doesn't seem to be too concerned about this (although his crazy mum is) so I don't want to keep asking all the time who he was with etc incase I give him a complex about it.

Have just called the school today to see if I can get the teachers to shed any light on it and have to call back tomorrow to find out, once the h/teacher speaks to his class teacher.

He is quite shy and seems to be intimidated by large groups, better 1-1. Also, we live on a really quiet street with no kids his age around so wonder if inviting one or two of the boys from class would be a way of getting to know them so he's not so wary when he's at school?

His best friend at nursery now at a different school in the village but ds still sees him quite a bit,though obviously not as much as before, and bf is getting on great - he has a very open and friendly attitude.

Is there any advice I can give ds to help him learn how to interact with the kids and be a bit more confident? Should I be worried or I am I overreacting (dp thinks I am and won't talk about it, but I think he's just in denial)

Hi, welcome to MN ....

I'm sorry you are feeling so worried - it's so difficult when they go to school isn't it ?

I think that first of all you need to get an accurate assessment of what is going on. Whether he is always on his own in the playground, or whether it feels that way to him. Ask the TA as well as the teacher, as they often know more about what's going on in the playground.

Second, if children are saying unkind things, then you should report that to the teacher. A good teacher will talk to the class as a whole about friendships and including people etc.

They may have a playground buddy system at the school (where older pupils go over to someone who is on their own and check they are OK, suggest a game etc)

My DS1 is also happier on his own an found playtime difficult at first, or rather, he hung around on his own a fair bit, but like your son, did not feel overly worried. He is 9 now, and is "part of the gang", but still prefers 1 on 1.

Inviting people home is a great way of making your son feel more secure, as you say.

Above all .Do not worry too much !

Just to add, don't rule out inviting girls, or encouraging him to play with them. My DS1 was not very boisterous at 5, and it can be that the dominant boy's group can be quite boisterous, playing football etc. Of course, not all the boys are like that (and of course some of the girls will be boisterous...), but sometimes I get the impression that the girls are maybe playing games that might interest shyer boys.

Just a thought

Thanks Jamieandhismagictorch.

Have to phone the school back today so hopefully that will set my mind at rest a bit depending on what they say.

There is a buddy system at the school but unfortunately for ds, I think he was buddied up with a boy who wasn't that interested really. Not that he was horrible to ds, just think that the buddy would rather be playing with his pals than looking after a wee P1 kid and ds being of the nature he is, probably wouldn't think to go up and ask for the buddy for any help.

What you say about the more boisterous kids playing football etc is spot on. Ds only just beginning to show an interest in footie and I think that's because the others are playing and he wants to join in but doesn't know how - how to play or how to just get in there. I think he wants to learn a bit before he takes the plunge.

Actually one of the kids telling him to go away is a girl in the class, probably just a typical bossy little girl but DS won't stick up for himself.

You're right, it is such a worry when they are at school and I can't see exactly what's going on. I keep telling myself to be logical and not to panic, but obviously I'm not taking any heed of the sensible part of me.

Thanks anyway, might be back on after the phone call.....