Violent and angry 9yr old. Advice please?

[OrmRenewed]

Not mine I hasten to add. Thank god

The mother of DS#2's best mate is having big problems with her 9yr old DS. He is violent towards her and his 7yr old brother. Very angry. Has terrible rages. But even when he isn't in a rage he says he hates his mum and 7yr old brother. Quite calmly and coherently. He tells his dad to divorce his mother so that daddy, the baby and he himself can live together alone. Obviously it's heart-breaking for them all.

Prior to this he was a very loving gentle boy. I confess to having found him a bit too intense at times but nice enough.

He is seeing a child psychologist tomorrow but he has already said he won't speak to her.

Has anyone got advice. Apart from anything else she is afraid for her 7yr old as he often gets hurt before she can intervene. And for herself too. And for all her possession as he trashes the house too. He doesn't do it when dad is there but he is out at work Mon to saturday. Last weekend it got so bad they took him to his gran's house to get a bit of a respite.
Any advice please? She knows I'm posting this btw. Things are pretty desperate.

?

Has he always been like this?
If not, what was the trigger for his aggressive behaviour?

The SS lady suggested it was moving schools and house at the same time. And also being put in his own room up in the loft. All of which things that he wanted but she reckoned it was too much all at the same time. He was being bullied at the first school (by just one boy) and it took him most of the first term to find his feet in the second school. It was during this time that the anger started.

How old is the baby you mentioned?
So he has had to deal with,
Bullying,
new house,
new school,
a solo bedroom,
new baby.

It sounds a bit like he may be feeling really left out, isolated and frustrated.

My DD1 she is 10 now but when I had DS1 she was nearly 9. We moved house and she had to share with dd2 who was 4.
She got so angry all the time, but to be fair not as angry as your fiends DS.

I found that I had to let go of lots of little things but really go hard on any violent behaviour towards DD2. She is tiny compared to DD1 so I was really worried obout her getting properly hurt.

Is your friend able to spend time away from the other children with him. Make special time for just them?
I'm sure the counsellor will have some much better ideas than mine but I wanted to say it isnt that unusual for children of that age to suddenly get angry alot.

It sounds like he needs some confidence building. Does she send him to scouts or cubs?
They are great places to let off steam with other children.
Also, I am a great advocate of giving your children one on one attention when they are having a hard time.
Can the mum do something with him on their own> A day out perhaps, where they could have a good chat about all the changes that occurred and the reasons for them or a construction kit or something where they have to work together..
The main thing is that he is constantly told how much they love him and care about him.
I think angry children are on the whole scared and insecure, so reactionary punishment or further rejection is unlikely to work, he heeds firm but fair well planned consequences to his actions

mrsr - they have given him consequences - he has had his computer priviledges taken away, his friend doesn't come to play atm. He won't go anywhere with his mother - he just a refuses as he can't stand being with her he says. The child psych says that he has to be praised for things but most of the time she is just restraining him from hurting her or the 7yr old or breaking something.

ronshar - the 'baby' is actually 2 now so not a new baby.

Then the dad should take the younger children out and leave them alone. They need to be alone, do something constructive together and talk, talk, talk.
How is the dad dealing with this when his son criticises the mother?

Dad says that it is never OK to hit or hurt mummy. Or his little brother. Everyone tells him this but he just says he hates her. He asks the boy why he feels like this and the answer is 'because mummy is always hitting me' and 'mummy hits me with a baseball bat' and 'mummy doesn't do anything for me'.

Doesn't help that dad is in constant pain from an abcess that they can't clear up.

He has threatened to kill DB with a knife. The brother wants to go and live with gran because he'll feel safe.

TBH I am a softie and I normally have huge amts of sympathy for 'naughty' kids but I feel so mad with this boy I just want to sit him down and give him a whole bucketful of home truths! But I won't.

I hate to ask but does the mum use smacking at all? Or is it just another attention seeking tactic?

Can dad not be home a little more during the week or does work get in the way?

Has anyone actually sat this child down and spelt out the consequences of his behaviour? I think perhaps a real eye opener of a conversation has to happen before this boy realises that he is about to go down a road he will find very hard to turn back on.
He is old enough to get the attention now he needs to be old enough to understand what that will bring him!

It will be interesting to see what the counsellor finds tomorrow. Will you let us know?

God no, she's the kind of mum that makes Mother Theresa look like a child-abuser. SO patient and gentle. I have always admired her patience.

I agree about the sitting down and talking to him. I don't know exactly what has been done as yet. I would love to be the one who gives it.... but I think I'd fail to remain sufficiently calm.

Maybe you are what he needs. An interested outsider. Who will not tolerate his bad behaviour.

Is mum too soft and he is pushing his boundaries so far because she isnt able to stop him?
I am not trying to say she is a bad mum just trying to explore different avenues. If that makes sense to you?

DD1 really went in every opposite direction she could at the same age but not to the same extreme.

I see what you mean ronshar. He used to come round here to play with his brother and we always got on well. Perhaps I should suggest it. Invite him here to play and have a good talk.

WOnder what mum would say.... I will see her later.

Sometimes we get our selves into places that are so very hard to get out from.
Maybe he is just so stuck in this repeating pattern of anger and threatening behaviour he really doesnt know what to do with himself.
Perhaps you could give him a mans way out without him actually having to admit that his behaviour is unacceptable?

Thankyou ronshar. Your experience is much appreciated.