Help! Don't think we're getting it right for DD1

[minicorrect]

Someone please help. I am one of those people who believe everything I read in the books. I read and read when I was pregnant and thought I was completely prepared for a baby. But nothing could prepare me for the reality.
I don't really know anyone else with a baby, so had no idea what they were like and now have no idea if things are right or not. I use the internet to try and find out mostly.
DD1 is small for her age (10m) and had quite a traumatic birth. We stayed in hospital for 4 days afterwards but she wouldn't sleep on her own which meant I only got 1 hour's sleep in that time.
Things haven't changed that much really. She did settle herself to sleep in the evenings for about a month when she was around 3 months old. But generally she takes lots of rocking, patting, shhhing, etc to get her to sleep, every sleep. Usually around half an hour. She has NEVER slept for more than 5 hours in one go, and that only happened once. Usually she wakes every 2-3 hours at night.
I have gone back to work so am sleeping in the spare room now while DP deals with it.
I want to encourage DD to self-settle, but DP won't allow her to cry at all. Not even a tiny whinge. I really strongly do not believe in CIO but do think that there is a difference between crying and whinging and DP needs to learn the difference and allow a bit of it.
I just feel really worried that we're creating a monster. She has spent about 3 hours without at least one of us and one evening since she's been born and that was when my parents visited from France. Apparently she screamed the entire time.
I just feel that we're being held hostage by DD because DP won't let her cry; ever. She co-sleeps despite starting the night in her cot and breast feeds still - refuses formula point blank so no choice there.
I love my baby so much it makes my heart ache, but I am worried sick that by not giving her any time away from us, exposing her to other babies, or even encouraging her to learn to be at least a bit independent she will become a nightmare. The tantrums have already started and while I can laugh them off, DP just keeps giving in to her, preferring a quiet life.
Yesterday afternoon I was allowed to try and put DD down for a nap and thought I would try to encourage her to self-settle. As with everything I do, this was WRONG and now DP won't speak to me as I didn't consult with her first. Nothing I do is ever right - I feed her wrong, put the wrong nappy on, etc. She's my daughter but DP seems to think I'm unable to look after her. I managed ok for the first 7 months while she was at work, but now we've swapped, apparently I'm useless.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Am I wrong in thinking this way? I believe in attachment parenting and understand the importance of being there for my baby's every need. But at some point surely she needs to learn she can cope without our help. Is 10 months really too young??

Hi mini, sorry you're feeling so down.
I am sneaking on at work so don't have time to write as much as I would like, but didn't want to read and run.

First of all I wanted to reassure you that 10 months is still very young and is also when seperation anxiety is really starting to build so it is normal for babies to be a bit clingy around this stage.

From your post there seems to be a bit of competition between you and your DP regarding 'ownership' (sorry badly phrased, but can't think of a better word at the moment) of your DD, along with potentially a conflict of parenting styles. I wonder whether your DP could be/have been feeling sensitive to the fact that she is your birth child and is trying to establish herself in a parental role? She may have been envious of your relationship with DD whilst you were on maternity leave and

Would it be helpful if the two of you established some shared roles? Perhaps as your DP is at home with your DD she could hand over to you when you get back for bathtime and bed time? My Dh and shared things whilst I was at home so that he primarily looked after DD from when he got home to when he went to bed and I got up with her in the night.

I think in the first instance the two of you need to have a (preferably baby-free) talk about how you see the next phase of your lives working out.

I'm sorry I have to go and do some work now , but will be back to catch up later

Sorry things are hard for you at the moment.
I would perhaps suggest not reading anymore books. BOTH of you. Babies have fairly simple needs and I would say that you are both meeting them above and beyond what is needed.

I agree that you both need to sit down and work out who does what and when.

Decide are you co sleeping or not.
Decide on a method of settling baby. You do not have to do, cio as that is horrible, but how about trying the returning thing.
Put baby down in her cot and settle her in, leave the room. Let her grizzle for a minute then go back in to settle her again. Repeat as neccesary until she stops crying when you leave.
This will take at least week for baby to get used to. But the most important thing is that baby knows you will be coming back into her and she learns that she needs to sleep on her own.
It is very hard work and it needs BOTH of you to work together for it to be successful.
But whats a week compared to years of crap bed times and broken sleep for all of you?

I agree with both of the above - 10 months is still very little indeed. My 9mo has never slept longer than 5-6 hours either, so you're really not alone there. Trust your instincts as well! There's rarely one right answer when it comes to babies and as long as they're healthy and happy you're doing ok!

You're not creating a monster. The clinginess is completely understandable. She's still very much a baby - not a toddler or a child - and doesn't understand that she's a separate person from you, she has no power of reasoning. The best way to encourage independence is to give dd the reassurance she needs. Once she passes this stage and knows she can absolutely rely on you to be there for her, she will trust enough to be able to reach away from you. Making babies do without you to encourage independence is counter-productive!

You're right that CIO is a horrible strategy that's discredited by all the research and that controlled crying is better. I understand your need for sleep - do you express so that DP can do some bottles? Bottles doesn't have to mean formula.

I agree with the above posters about a discussion with your partner too. It does sound as though perhaps she's feeling left out or less necessary to dd than you are, and maybe wants to make herself necessary by always rushing to dd when she grizzles. There is a big difference between whingeing and frantic wailing though, and you need to agree precisely what strategy you're going to follow, then both stick to it. Good luck.

What the others said - she's in the middle of separation anxiety. You're not creating a monster - 10-month-olds are just monstrously clingy!

You don't need to worry about helping them become independent until quite a bit later - for the first 18 months just invest in being there for them, and that's the best foundation on which to help their later independence.

Thanks for all your replies.

I agree we need to talk, but other than telling me she was going to move out then disappearing this morning, DP just won't speak to me.

I understand that DD may be more clingy than usual, and am happy to allow for this stage. It's just that this has been how it is since she was born. We can never go anywhere without her as it's just hell for her and whoever is unlucky enough to have volunteered to babysit.

I express for while I'm at work but don't have time (or supply) to do more. Feed her at 6am before I go to work and at 20.00 when I get home as well as in the night. During the day she has a couple of bottles of EBM. Too late to bath her when I get in so DP does it so she's ready for bed and her goodnight feed. I have to make dinner while DP puts her down for bed so not really time to do that too unfortunately or we wouldn't eat till 10ish which is half an hour before I need to go to bed!

I guess I just need some reassurance that not rushing to her when she grizzles/whinges isn't going to harm her and will in fact make her understand that there are better to ways to get what she wants. I really believe that the key to getting her to sleep for longer than a couple of hours at a time is teaching her to settle herself to sleep. In the car today she started crying so I asked her where her dummy was and suggested she have it and she found it, put it in her mouth and went to sleep. So she's more than capable when a situation demands (I couldn't pull over). I just think we need to start encouraging this at naptime and bedtime too and let her know that she doesn't NEED us to go to sleep, she just LIKES us.
I guess I'm just so tired and finding the transition back to work really difficult as I have had to relinquish all control to DP to bring up my DD.

I have to say, I'm with you on the self-settling, and allowing your DD to grumble and cry a little on the way to getting to sleep. Proper controlled crying- not leaving to cry.

I'm also concerned that you are sleeping apart when it is not what both of you want.

And I agree with what pushmepullyou said about your relationship with DP, and sharing roles.