dd1 behaviour tearing us up

[Littleover]

We have had another crap weekend, dd1 3 next week has decided that she doesn't like showers or baths on her own or with her 20 month old sister. She gets hysterical when put in a nice warm bath with her toys and screams until she throws up over herself. This results in me letting the bath go and showering the sick off. I took it as a phase for a week or so but now I have run out of patience. Also she has started nursery and loves it although she won't let them take her to the toilet, either wetting herself or they ring me to come and take her to the loo. She started potty training in September 09 and still won't poo unless it's in a nappy. I am so exhausted and fed up with her and am scared that my dd2 will see her and think that is how to behave.She has been a pain since dd2 was born yet dd2 is so laid back and self sufficient we don't know we have her. Often dd1 takes up most of my time and my lap that the first time I pick up dd2 is to put her down for her sleep after lunch. Then she monitors my footsteps across the landing and screams for me once I have reached the top of the stairs. I have tried doing things her way to keep the peace (because I had a small baby and was too tired to fight), I have tried keeping her mega distracted and occupied but nothing seems to be enough. Now I am leaning towards ambivalence as she has worn me out. She is the same with my dh, we have tried star/reward charts, books and are sick of how dd1 is ruining our family life. We are both so tired of her, my dh races to get home in time to see them for an hour before bed but all he gets is this behaviour. We are happy and work well as a team with both girls but some days we wonder what we did in a past life to deserve this. We have tried going out at weekends as a family to have more fun, but she ends up embarassing us and we don't stay out for long. She screams whenever it's time to go home and it's louder than I can speak - and now it's just as bad to shout at them as give them a smack I don't know how to curb it in public. I cry every day because of her. She has stopped me enjoying being a mum. Ths time she is at nursery is wonderful, I concentrate on my dd2 and for a few hours life is good. I apologise for the negativity but my parents and in-laws back me up over this. We probably don't cope with her well as it's gone on for so long. She is developmentally on target for her age.

Anyone else had an experience like this?

Oh honey! You poor thing, well it's obviously attention seeking behaviour. She's obviously very jealous of her little sister. Except you are barely spending any time with your baby and lots with her but maybe it's possibly the fact that when she throws a tantrum it works, so she keeps doing it?

It's so difficult when a new baby comes along. My daughter used to try and hurt the baby when I left the room . Except your "baby" is now 20 months . Does that mean it's been escalating for 20 months now? No wonder you feel at your wits end.

There are parent classes run at Sure Start centres you could go on. Your HV will be able to tell you about them. This may give you ideas. Some of my friends have been on them and found them really helpful.

I tend to tell my LO when she throws an almighty tantrum "that won't work my friend" and walk away. She's 2 and a half. As long as she is safe, I just walk away and say that I am leaving the room and that she can come and find me when feeling better. The truth is I try to keep an eye on her but make sure she's not aware (peek through hinge) I often find that once she realises I'm not taking any notice she gets up and stops shouting.

Afterwards I try to resolve it by saying "now that was silly making all that fuss come and say sorry and have a cuddle".

Obviously if out and about you cannot do that. I try distraction and if that doesn't work, I tend to abandon the trip and get home. Then when we got home I'd say you cannot play with "favourite toy" when we get home as you've misbehaved.

In regards to the bath thing, I'd bath on her own so she cannot lash out near sister whilst trying to throw the tantrum and do it quick, and say "I'm sorry but you need a bath to get clean" and push on through with cleaning as best as possible and then get them out of bath and dry them. As at the end of the day, they need a bath, the novelty will hopefully wear off if you do it very mechanical like, unemotional, like a robot day in day out. If it doesn't work when she throws the tantrum and you do it anyway. This isn't something you can avoid doing, as all kids need a bath. Maybe someone else will have a better idea though?

I think this is a controversial area and lots of people will have different ideas. I think as long as you and your partner/ husband agree and are consistent sooner or later it'll pass. You poor thing! Thinking of you and hoping someone else has some tips for you too x

You do sound exhausted you poor thing. It does sound like attention-seeking (and getting!) behaviour. Especially in public! Teaandcake is right to say that it's better not to try and console/comfort a toddler out of a tantrum. As long as she's safe, leave her alone to get it out of her system rather than staying with her and getting upset. You could even put her in the garden if you have one (when it gets a bit warmer!).

Another strategy might be to emphasise the differences between the two girls. "You're a big girl but dd2 is only a baby! What can you do that she can't do? Can you sit at the table and eat/bath yourself/brush your own hair? She can't do any of that!" Allow dd1 to feel superior! Also most three-year olds take quite well to 'mothering' a smaller sibling. Could she give dd2 a bottle, or feed her? Anything that allows her to feel like a responsible older sister.

She probably also picks up on the fact that at the moment you're glad to see the back of her for a bit when she's at nursery - I know that's because she's been such hard work but she won't understand that. Can you give her a huge welcome when she gets home and do something special together - as long as she's behaving well? If she pitches a fit then she has to spend time alone!

Sounds like you are fighting unecessary battles

With young kids, sometimes avoidance of an issue is as good a way of getting round things as any. If she hates baths, don't do 'em. give her a quick wash, using wipes if necessary, wash her hair once a month if you can get away with it!

My point is that children are not mini adults - you do not have to hammer away, doing something every day, so that they 'get used to it'....they are all about readiness, and stages, and development.....she is just as likely to suddenly love baths, you are not going to raise a dirty girl just because she doesn't like them right now

also, well within normal to still be in nappies at 2. If she is not poo-ing in her nappy, she's not ready to be out of them.

Screaming to not go home from something she's been doing, again SO normal for this age, I know that doesn't make it easier - but is it possible you could be expecting a little much in terms of ability and behaviour, from a 2 year old? Worth re-visiting your expectations, in terms of normal child development?

I'm not saying she's not hard work - clearly she is, but I am saying it may well be possible for alot of the fights/issues to just disappear if you re approach the way you are looking at what she's doing? I don't know a single 2 year old who behaves reasonably, or logically, for instance!

Also another thing that will reduce your stress is to refuse to let her 'embarrass you'....all 2 year olds behave badly, all adults have seen toddler tantrums...it would be more weird if she didn't embarrass you imo. You don't have to 'own' this as a problem to you and your husband. You can't control what your DD decides to do; but you can deal with it, as you already do. No reason for embarrassment. If people see her playing up, and you dealing well with it, they are only thinking what good parents you are, (or perhaps what a handful she is!)