6yr old dd bossy, rude and disrespectful... advice please.

[honeybunmum]

My dd has always been polite, thoughtful, well behaved and always responded well to boundaries and consequences. Recently she seems angry and treats us all like we are something nasty on the bottom of her shoe! This is not all the time, she switches between what seems like two different personalities. My DH and I are very good at positive parenting and we are firm but fair. We have remained calm and make it very clear that we do not accept her tone, attitude and behaviour. We never give in to her and often remove her from whatever we are all doing to give her a chance to calm down.
Her siblings seem to get the worst of her bossy behaviour and we have caught her hurting them on the sly when she thinks we aren't looking (she has never been aggressive)
Last night she was having a strop in the bath and turned to DH and said "I'm gonna kick you in the nuts!". We were so shocked and can only imagine this must have come from school. She is the complete opposite at school and in public.
We are getting very weary with it all and pray it's just a phase and that our consistent reaction to it will eventually get through to her.
If anyone has got any advice or experiences they could share with me, I'd be very grateful. x

My 6-year-old does this occasionally and we normally ask her in a very calm voice if she would like to be spoken to like that and it makes her think. When she drives us really up the wall, we threaten to go and tell her teacher who lives across the road

scooter I've said in a very sad voice " well, I think I'm going to have to have a word with Mrs... at school. Maybe she has some advice on how we can deal with this... (sigh)" This normally stops her and she starts crying and begging me not to. I can then use this to 'remind' her if necessary.
If I do say anything about the way she speaks and would she like it if someone spoke to her like that, she normally responds by shouting that she hates us and starts accusing us of being horrible to her. Her latest retort is "Blah, blah, blah!"
She's actually being little miss perfect today... I'm starting to think some of it is for Daddy's benefit (at work today) Maybe it's jealousy... sharing Daddy with the other two on his days off, she's definitely worse then.

If it's an attention thing, could you just ignore her completely if she does it, eg, when she shouted at your husband in the bath, calmly life her out, get her dry, into pjs and so on, and place her gently in another room, all without even acknowledging her behaviour. Six-year-olds are plenty old enough to know that that kind of behaviour is not acceptable.

You're not alone - mine shouted at me this morning that she has to do everything round here. As you can imagine, at seven months pregnant, husband in Afghanistan and a three-year-old to look after as well, I took it well

OMG, now I think- what am I moaning about? Thanks scooter I'll try ignoring her and see if that helps, sometimes it seems she button pushes just to get a fight so that may work.
Best wishes to you and your family and I hope your DH is back safely with you soon. xxx

Repeat to yourself over and again: "it's just a phase, it's just a phase..." Of course, there'll be another, equally annoying phase soon! Good luck.

same. ds-6. good as gold at school. rude and answering back at home. " don't you talk to me like thta, I don't know who you think you are talking to ".
"i don't have to do what you say. you can't make me do ANYTHING. "
we are despairing. but we keep trying to be calm and consistent. what else can you do ?
OP it IS very wearing. i hope our aknowledgement of that , helps you. stay strong.

Our 6 year old DD is exactly the same and I came on here for advice about this very same thing! She throws all my best disciplining lines right back at me, exactly as you say Oblomov. Any attempt to keep her in check she considers is us being 'mean', and so the minute we behave as parents should we are faced with yet another barrage of shouting. It seems from what other posters are saying that it is indeed a phase and we should perhaps coin a new term a la 'terrible twos' - 'shocking sixes' anyone?

My ds is 7 and I recognise alot of these phrases. DS is unbelievably good at school, every report he's ever had raves about his extremely good manners, politeness etc. And at home, mostly he is gorgeous too, but he can come out with the pseudo-teenage stuff like this at times.

FWIW I think honeybunmum that you sound like you're dealing with it perfectly. I keep reminding DS that we speak politely at home - I tell him I know what is said in the playground and tell him "Remember your Home Voice - we're not in the playground now". Also remember to be polite to him and polite to each other, keep setting the example and don't get drawn in to tit for tat arguments with your child!

Also agree that pondering about whether the teacher could advise if told about the behaviour is an extremely effective strategy...

Also do lots of positive re-inforcement when they are being delightful, make sure they know you are noticing this and not just the bad stuff

I would say keep doing what you're doing. As with so many things with kids, just because an unwanted behaviour doesn't stop immediately, doesn't mean you are doing something wrong - consistency and clear boundary setting will pay off in the end

Both my boys have been through this rude phase at this age (DS2 just coming out of it).

It's so galling and worrying ("if he's like this now what will he be like at 13 ?!")

DS1 did the "blah blah blah" retort as well, but is really lovely now (it went on for about 6 months).

As for advice - what the others have said (especially Cirrhosis - remember you are the adult, try to set an example, don't get sucked into arguments.

I would also try and have a conversation with her about how things are at school with friends, because it's possible she may be taking out her feelings on you ....

I don't have a six-year-old yet, but I like to look at these threads to see what's coming... and there seem to be so many about stroppy six-year-olds! I've seen relatives' children go through this as well, and grow out of it a year later. What is it about this age?

I think someone said on a past thread that at six they've learned how to really wound you with words. I guess it's the equivalent of a two-year-old hitting, and you've just got to tell them no again and again until it sinks in...

It is a phase they try on 'attitude' (but they love you underneath it all). I think being the oldest has something to do with it too, both wrt the behaviour described and the reaction it provokes. I think the oldest or only, if it's a girl, in a family, can have difficulties figuring out the next set of boundaries after the age two-three issues have been sorted. Girls establish a pecking order in school based on criteria that are different from those that boys observe, and they try the same thing at home if you feel there's something of a power struggle going on, there just might be, ime, at this age, with a daughter. Girls use language and attitude to find their place -- they can be very withering and even cruel to both peers and parents. It's important to hop on disrespectful and inappropriate outbursts and not to let things sort themselves out.

I banned a certain tv programme (or program ; twas in the US) when DD1 started to imitate a really sarcastic term and tone of voice used frequently by a child character on the show -- DD showed by her tone of voice (contemptuous) and the context in which she used it that she fully understood the term and knew how much of a conversation stopper it was. But she hadn't sorted out that she shouldn't say something like that when replying to a simple question from her mother. What's ok and what's not in real life is something they still don't grasp at 6, even though they know the power of words and tone, but they really have to get this down or you have a tyrant on your hands by 7 or 8.

All this has described my 6 year old dd.
She is getting a bit better now but for a while there I was tearing my hair out.
I do try to say to myself that I must be doing something right as at school or at someone elses house etc she is good as gold.

You have no idea the relief I felt when round at a friends house one evening and her dd who is only 2 days older than mine sounded like a carbon copy of my homelife.

You are describing my DD too - who is 6. Unfortunately she has always been a 'bit of a handful' (my Mums words).
She is like that at school too sometimes - its exhausting.
One minute I am the best Mum in the world and then next she is shouting that no-one loves her and she doesn't deserve a Mum.

I have tried everything, gave up working in case she was missing me, gave her more tasks and responsibility etc.

I really hope it is a phase, because 25% of the time she is charming, clever, funny and great company - its just the other 75% that are tiring us all out.

very interesting, mathanxiety - thanks.

Thankyou so much everybody, it's so good to hear that I'm not the only one! Lots of mums at school are saying exactly the same so I'm now reassured that it's only a phase and that my consistent approach to it will get us through.
I think it may be at age 6 because of the changes at school, the differences between reception and class 1 is incredible. She is getting on so well at school and loves it, but she is tired and has to compete with two siblings at home... so I guess all this is manifesting with the behaviour we are enduring.
CBTS I'll try the separating the 'playground voice' and 'home voice' too, it sounds like a good way not to judge her on her school behaviour and let her know that we do act differently in different social settings.
Note to self- make sure I act my age and don't get drawn into a slanging match with her.
Thanks x

@honeybunmum I know this is a long shot but how did things pan out? My six year old is just like this and I’m struggling x

@TennisFan hey know it’s a long shot but how did your daughter get on in the end? I’m in the 6 year old stage now and would be nice to know how things panned out xx

@Reedie1987 we are going through this, too. That’s why I was searching at Mumsnet. I was thinking my DD was jeolous about her sibling (baby). But it’s so hard…

Help! Please! It’s like living with Jekyll and Hyde- the rude sassy disrespectful obnoxious bratty and unlikeable child who refuses to accept correction is destroying our peace of mind at home! Sometimes she can be so sweet, but at the moment I’m at my wits end- any words of wisdom from you guys!

Hey did you get anywhere with this? Slowly losing will to live with my just turned 6 year old…

Any reassurance from the other side of this would be soooo gratefully received 🙏🙏🙏

@MyPinkSwan I think tou might be better starting your own thread. It’s 10 years on and it doesn’t look as though an update is likely at this point