Aggressive behaviour

[partlycloudy]

I am at the end of my tether with my 4 year old's behaviour. When he loses it he hits me, calls us all names, throws things, attacks his sister.

I know the triggers - tiredness, hunger, not getting his own way etc. However, I just don't know what to try anymore. I am a Primary School teacher so have tried all the strategies we use at school for 'behaviourally challenged' children ( positive reinforcement, charts, contracts etc. etc. but they all seem to be effective for such a short time.

He is in Reception and is perfectly well behaved at school. I just feel like a crap mum, but we try soooooo hard to be patient and positive whilst giving him clear boundaries. Is there something wrong with my child? And if there is, what is the best way of dealing with him when he flies into these
rages? Help!

I know I'm stating the obvious here (I'm sorry) but have you thought of trying one of those courses offered at Children's Sure Start Centres. My HV told me about them, there might be one near you and maybe that will give you some more ideas to try?

Sounds to me like you are truly doing everything right, I cannot think of anything beyond what you've tried myself. Maybe some other MN will.

I'm so sorry, it's not fun when little ones do this. But you are NOT a crap mum! We've all been there x

My DS1 also has a very bad temper. In his case, I send him to his room so that he and I can calm down. Then, assuming I am calm, and he has stopped shouting or throwing things, I will go and talk to him. If he is really going for it, I will go into him and tell him that I will speak to him when he has calmed down.

Sometimes I suggest to him that he punches a pillow or draws an angry picture to get his feelings out

Then discuss his behaviour with him. Ask him why you have sent him to his room. Make it clear to him that you are prepared to listen to him send help him, but he must speak to you instead of acting out.

Sometimes I have had a family discussion, where each of the people involved in a argument is given the chance to say how they feel, without shouting. The person whose turn it is to speak holds a wooden spoon. This works surprisingly well at helping them feel listened to.

But, I think the sending to the room bit is crucial. He needs to get the message that his behaviour is unacceptable.

Make sure you praise him for calming down. Tell him you know how hard it is and you know he can do it. Then give him a cuddle. Don't dwell on it ..

Should say "listen to him and help him" ....

I don't have any suggestions... Looking for some myself actually.

Sounds exactly like my just turned five year old daughter. She is in reception too. She is behaving very well there. But recently (2 weeks ago) she started having agressive outbursts and punches and hits me. I put her in her room to calm down and she kicked the doors and wall in frustration. When I asked why, she said she did not want the juice that I was bringing her. I try to look through what happened that day. I was positive, giving her positive attention, she has after school activities she likes and play dates. Me and her dad don't use violence or shout. Although we do have of course occasional disagreements. So I am really confused. We disciplined her after the second incident by sending her to her room with no dinner. We explained why we are doing it and after spoke about her feelings, positive ways of expressing and communicating... It was hard on us, but she was very upset about it and we wanted her to learn a lesson. Next day she punched me because she did not want to brush her teeth. So it obviously did not work. I am really worried as I am pregnant with DS2 and want to deal with the problem in the bud...

Remember that this age is hard because they are very tired after school, and are also quite "pent up" with emotions - if they are good at school it means that they are (successfully) having to control themselves for a whole day at school.

The feelings then leak out at home, where they feel "safe" (not much consolation, I know, but try not to feel it is something you have done).

I just found this advise on another internet page which sounds helpful too. "You can try a couple of different things. first if you know your going to say no to something try to say it in a constructive way and recognize her feelings. "Iknow that you really wanted to do this but, I'm going to have to say no. Can we thing of something else you might want to do?" You also might want to have an area in you house or her room and go there before you answer her call it the cool down spot and after talking to her calmly and respecting her feelings, if she still starts to kick or hit then she has to sit in the cool down spot for 5 min. Put up a series of pictures #1 take three deep breaths, #2 think of a nice way to talk to mommy, and #3 say sorry. You'll have to explain what you want her to do while she's in the spot, try having her help you makes the pictures and talk about how if your feeling frustrated, these are the thing you need to do to cool down. the next time she hits or kicks take her to the spot without talking and say please cool down for 5 min. then go up and talk to her. It would also be good to start talking about feeling with her and all the different ones we have."

That sounds good Jojobil

Also, worth checking whether she is being hit at school - not necessarily bullying - but rough play which she doesn't like

She did say there are 2 boys who hit and swear in her class. And definitely she is repeating that behaviour. The first time when this happened she shouted to me "If you don't go and get it I will smack you in the face!". We never use this language or the word smack at home. So I assume it is from school unfortunately...

I should probably add that my husband had a bad bicycle accident before xmas and he was a bit out of it for nearly a month. With to broken arms etc.. Could this have triggered the aggressive behaviour? Or possibly a mixture of things...

yes, it strikes me that that could have made her feel insecure, and unsure of what was going to happen.

And they can't express their feelings in words, so sometimes they "act out". Sometimes it's expressing those feelings, sometimes unconsciously "testing" you, to see if you are still going to treat her in the same way.

I meant testing you to see if you are going to treat her in the same way you always have ie - have you changed too ?

Hope your DH is OK now. My DH cycles every day (and loves it), but it worries me ....

Might be worth mentioning to her teacher if you thing that aggressive behaviour at school is making her anxious/affecting her behaviour

The wooden spoon idea seems to be working at the moment

I'm going to try the 'cool down area' instead of his bedroom because I don't want him viewing his bedroom negatively- he's a terrible sleeper anyway! Thanks for advice and it's reassuring to know that I'm not the only one!

The wooden spoon idea sounds good, especially for his sister, as I feel sometimes that her feelings are ignored because she's so well behaved (although I don't think having such a 'goody two shoes' big sister helps him really, if you know what I mean).