Help me be more positive towards dd (8)

[Themasterandmargaritas]

My dd is a beautiful and clever little girl. She has always been quite confident of herself and the result has been that she tends to dominate situations and friends. She now understands that this is something to be worked on and she certainly tries at school.

However she is so serious and life is such a drama. There is a lot of pouting and derogatory comments to me and her brothers, not to mention attitude. The situation is always manipulated so it is to her advantage. I find myself constantly having a go at her and then getting cross with her response.

Ironically she has started saying she is useless at everything, especially sport. Whereas in fact she is not bad at sport, she could be better if she wanted to be but it seems sometimes that it is too much effort.

So how can I encourage her self esteem and belief in herself without her becoming over confident? How do I stop the nag nag nagging cycle?

pick your arguments it sound's like she's at that age of not having a place not a baby and not quite grown up

give her some responsibility and reward all good behaviour ignore pouts etc its not worth arguing about

she sounds normal in all honesty all girls are bossy and want to take control i was the worlds worst lol but im not now and i grew out of it

just tell her every day how good she is and if she says she's not then say well i think you are and thats what counts you try so hard

Yes I think you are right bubbla, she thinks she is very grown up.

I just don't like the way she talks to us sometimes, what do I do about that? Are we past reward charts?

Should I ask her to suggest her own responsibilities do you think?

no i think you should set them other wise she is in control of that and if your not happy with her choice cues another argument

i dont think too old for a chart or you could do the jar with marbles add for good and take away for bad at end of week can have a treat

have house rules how you will speak to each other all of you and if anyone is hear not obeying they lose a privilege such as computer or tv time or other games consoles etc soon learn that its better to obey just keep consistent with all of them and praise if she is seen doing something nice for sibling make a point of noticing that

tell her if she can act grown up she will be treated more grown up but her behaviour is not grown up at the moment

just set some things she could do to help and she can earn pocket money etc

I like the marble jar idea.

And the house rules. And it will apply to me too....

Thanks bubbla.

good luck x

TMAM dd1 is just like this.

Dominating and over confident sometimes. She has an incredible attitiude on her. I am at how she speaks to me.

Sometimes it is just the rolling of eyes and huff out the room that is enough to tip me over the edge.

I can hear her muttering under her breath as she leaves the room.

I am astonished by it tbh.

The twins (11) have never, ever done anything like it.

Is it just girls? Is it normal? Will it ever stop >

Sorry that was useless wasn't it

I nag and get pissed off with the response too. Where is the apology i scream in my head as she flounces out the room

I could have written your post TMAM. No advice here I am afraid, will try responsibility etc too I think. DD2s attitude sucks! DP just shouts, I ignore obvioulsy that is not working!

Phew, it's not just mine then. The thing is, none of the other mothers admit to theirs being like this so either they are lying beeatches or their children are perfect . So consequently dd ends up looking like a real PITA child, which of course she isn't but it's so easy to be labelled.

Dh says it's partly a mother/daughter thing.

I need your self control Sky, I must just ignore it. I need a longer fuse myself......

She has been great this afternoon, went off to riding happily, even though she was a bit scared after her fall, then went to a friend's for a sleepover. A much more positive kind of day.

Hello there. This is the first time I have looked at Mumsnet and I decided to have a look tonight for advice about my DD (8). I could more or less have written your post too - she is a bright girl with lots of friends and does well in school where she is an absolute angel apparently but to my partner and me and her little brother she is absolutely horrid, a lot of the time. I'm afraid I have no answers for you as I have run out of ideas and energy myself. Right now I feel upset about how negative I feel about her but she is wearing me down.

I'm glad I had a look on here tonight as it does help to know I am not the only one with an extremely stroppy 8 year old.

Welcome spring.

I have really tried since the last posts to give her my full attention and talk to her properly, rather than simply nagging all the time. I am trying also to be more upbeat and jokey with my nagging and that has also helped!

Keep posting spring, we can get through it together.

My dd is 10 in July. She is still a grumpy/stroppy madam.

Good luck

And breathe in. Thinking positive thoughts....

My 7 year old can be the same. He is dominant, bossy, thinks he is an adult etc and quite manipulative and clever!

TMAM
I feel your pain - and that of everyone else on here!! My 8 yr old DD is astonishingly volatile, flouncy, and generally exhausting. She is also very bright, funny and has an endlessly whirring mind which can be entertaining and also a nightmare - as it seems to generate a lot of anxiety and, especially ANGER. She even woke up in the middle of the night last night in a rage - obviously felt she'd been slacking a bit the previous day and that we needed a bit of an extra shake-up!!
I tend to try to use a lot of humour, cajoling and also firmness when applicable. There are certain things I just won't tolerate at all (certain ways of being looked at, certain tones of voice) and for which she goes straight to her room. I do however try to give her some leeway when she is hungry eg first thing in the morning (when she is the proverbial bear with a sore head). I try not to get angry myself (this has meant needing to take up yoga & meditation!!) but OF COURSE sometimes fail...generally speaking I try to remember that she is still learning to deal with her exceedingly strong emotions, and much of the time hasn't a clue why she feels the way she does (just as adults often don't). My God it's been and continues to be tough though!
My DD is really serious too, life is Big Deal to her, but can sometimes laugh at herself in retrospect. A classic example is the time her little brother (mischievous and chilled) ran into the back of her bike with his own bike - something guaranteed to make her blow up. Blow up she duly did, spectacularly, whereupon he took to his heels and fled into the field of corn beside the path - which was more than double his height. To this day he screeches 'RUN TO THE CORN' when he can see an explosion is imminent - sometimes (er, only sometimes) she can see the funny side and the drama is averted -for 5 minutes or so, max!
Good luck - and any tips appreciated - for instance I know I don't give her enough responsibilities around the house (bcs I can't face the arguments!) - I need to do something about that.

XX

I love the run to the corn, katie.

I am so relieved I'm not alone. We are a very small community here and dd stands out rather.

Tomorrow I have been summoned to see her teacher about 'her relationships with other girls in her class'. I'm hoping it's not been instigated by one of the mothers of a particular girl, who sees dd as a negative domineering influence, but rather by the school itself. I feel quite flat and at a loss what to do .

TMaM - thank you so much for your welcome. It really does help to know I'm part of a small community of mums to troublesome 8 year olds, bless 'em all! I hope things go okay at your DD's school tomorrow. Girls' frienships can be such a minefield.

Katie - I read your post before leaving work tonight and had a really good giggle at my desk. I have a younger son too who has had many of his own 'run to the corn' moments and think I will try to remember this image during my DD's more exasperating moments (like the frequent morning rant about pants not fitting right).

Coming home tonight I felt more positive about things and dealt with DD in a lighter mood than the in the last few nights and I think the advice to approach things with good humour and a bit of 'lightness'(not often possible) is spot on. A nice glass of red helps too.

Ah, don't worry, remember all of this will eventually be a memory, and that the bigger picture is that they DO learn to manage their emotions, and social relationships, eventually (or so i chant to myself like a...desperate...mantra)...sigh...good luck tomorrow and let us know how you get on...meant to say, another thing we do is to end the day on a cosy, happy note with us all cuddled on the sofa reading. (DD is a massive bookworm and that's rubbed off on DS fortunately) so that despite the difficulties and struggles of earlier on in the day we remember that we are pals again

lord it's exhausting!!!

hope tomorrow goes okay and that your DD's good points are emphasised too! X

Just read you Spring, think we posted simultaneously earlier - oh my god the fellow feeling i feel re your DD's'pants not fitting right' moments. don't get me started on the subject of TIGHTS !!!!!
As for homework AAARGGHH
but as you say - a glass of red does indeed help to numb the pain and a lighter touch is SO helpful. though not always exactly easy to achieve understatement of the year alert

Several glasses of wine later.....

Sympathies about the tights and pants traumas. Ours are over riding boots and socks.

So yesterday I had a lovely long chat with her teacher. Turns out that the little girl in question has been upset recently by dd and that the mother is outraged by the whole situation. The same thing happened last year too. The problem is dd is quite forceful, the other little girl isn't and is overly sensitive. The little girl goes home and tells mama, who leaps to her defence and dd becomes the baddy. Again. DD needs to learn to cut her losses with this girl or play her game of being super nice. The thing is the other little girl is not quite on dd's wavelength so dd is getting frustrated with her, then angry. Ho hum, tis the usual stuff of girls. I now have to avoid this mother as she thinks dd is the work of devil (she is also a teacher at ds' kindergarten - eek).

And breathe.

'the mother is outraged by the whole situation' - isn't this so often one of the main problems? our own emotional turmoil over our children gets superimposed upon a perhaps mild-moderately tricky situation, and kerboom - the whole thing goes ballistic. if we mothers could only learn to moderate our own reactions a bit better, and hold our own opinions a bit more loosely fledgling buddhist alert
anyway, well done you for NOT sounding too angst-ridden, and for keeping things in proportion. YOU know your DD is not the devil's spawn!!!
...and breathe. indeed. X