Separation anxiety 18MO

[harimosmummy]

Hi,

I'm wondering if any of you can help me... I've been trying to settle my DS in nursery for 3 months now and he is still as bad as ever when I leave him.

It's got the point now that the night after he's been to nursery, he is clingy, won't sleep (at all - not till around 6am) his temperature shoots up (I give him calpol..)

But, in the morning, he is fine, his temperature doesn't flucutuate again after the calpol has worn off...

At the moment, I am leaving him for 2 hours (though it is actually more like 1hr 30mins by the time I've prized him off me) twice a week. That's the only time he is away from me. I don'thave any family close by that could look after him and not really any close friends either - I have a lot of newly made friends with kids and we see them a lot - he is always fine on these playdates - both in our house and outside. oh, and my DH isn't here during the week and, even at weekends, I still do meal times, nappy changes, night feeds etc.,

Additionally, we do several activities and he loves these - not clingy in the slightest (but of course, i am always in the room)

I don't have any worries about the nursery. They are fantastic with him and my DD goes there (at the same times as DS) without issue.

Can anyone give me tips on what I could do to help? Just giving it time doesn't seem to be working.

thanks, HM

My ds was like this. I stopped trying. He was clearly not ready. I didn't try him again in nursery or pre school until he was 3. He was fine with it then - not great, had some tears, didn't like being left so I can't say he loved it even then, it was hard for me and him, but he was able to do it basically.

I wouldn't continue harimo - poor him, and poor you...he sounds as if he's getting into such a state. Do you absolutely have to leave him there?

Well, no, I don't.

But it is LITERALLY the only time I get off from the two kids (DD is 5 months old and DS is 18MO).

I only go to the gym 2 minutes away for 1 hour. (and while I use it as a creche, it is actually ofsted registered and got an outstanding report)... It really is a lovely environment which he would love if I sat in the room with him.

I guess it depends on how important that break is to you and whether it really IS a break - for me
"It's got the point now that the night after he's been to nursery, he is clingy, won't sleep (at all - not till around 6am) his temperature shoots up (I give him calpol..)" - would make me so stressed and upset, that no hour at the gym was going to benefit me. Lots of kids have trouble with settling at nursery but that is an extreme reaction, imo.

I do totally understand that need for a little time to yourself, really I do - but if you'll forgive me for saying so I think you need to get your DH shaping up to give you time off at weekends, rather than trying to get your DS to shoulder nursery so you can get this time. Your DH is an adult and has responsibilities as a father - get him to give you a morning or afternoon, or a day of at the weekend - imho!!

Mmmm I think you are perfectly entitled to 4 hrs a week of personal freedom.

I'd ask the nursery if you could try to re-settle ds again. That is staying with him there for a few sessions and then gradually move away. This is standard practice in nurseries on the continent and it's considered the key to a successful settlement for the child.

If this doesn't work, then I agree with the others to take him out and try again when he is a little bit older.

Well, you are certainly right about it not being a break anymore.

I have him booked again on Monday and I'm already dreading it and no sleep last night means I'm just more than a bit emotional this morning.

I have spoken to DH (in tears actually) and he has agreed to help out more this weekend.

But, we have his other two kids here too and, if I'm honest, I know it won't really happen. He's never fed our 5 MO (he's given her milk, but not solids) and he's never fed both of them together at any point.

Oh harimo. I know it's hard but I think you have to dig deep, find your assertiveness and MAKE it happen

He is their father, he has a responsibility to look after them. Take yourself off to the gym for a couple of hours break at the weekend. No one will suffer - it might be hard for your DH at first but the kids will only gain from having him more involved. Don't wait for him to make it ok for you - just go. Take the time - don't wait for it to be given.

and high time he did feed the little one then

He's presumably an intelligent sentient human being - then he can work out how to feed a baby!!

thanks, I suppose the other problem is that I currently don't take the little one to any activities because I can't leave DS with anyone and he's too big for the baby classes...

I would like to get to a point where I could take DD somewhere without DS there too.

I know what you mean - but I would say don't put pressure on yourself...it simply IS different when you have two kids, not everyone does have the luxury of going to these classes etc. Your dd has a ready made playmate at home anyway so imo the classes aren't vital.

By the way I have/had a very clingy boy so I do know where you are coming from....it is very wearing and draining on you. However, for what it's worth (my ds is now 7) I have found with him that the best way to help was to give him what he was asking for - to not ask him to seperate from me basically. The more you try to seperate the harder they cling, ime. It does come to a stage where they are emotionally ready and can 'do' the seperation thing. There is light at the end of the tunnel!

I do think the key here is your husband, I really do. He needs to shape up, imho.

Isn't it funny how cirrhosisbythesea has (possibly) only gleaned an insight into your life from this thread HM and has hit the nail on the head.....with her last sentence.

Ask DH to have the kids at the weekend so that you can go to the gym then, it's only for a couple of hours and you need it!!!

I think it would do him the world of good to have them on his own for ONCE!!

I hope his promise to help more this weekend pays off HM.

LM xxx

Thanks guys...

if I did leave the DC with DH, then I might as well leave my current gym - I'm only going there BECAUSE it has such good kids facilities..

If I'm on my own, I might as well just go out for a run...

And, that's a big IF...

The last few weekends, I've ended up taking the kids out because DH is tired and wants a break!!

You're being too reasonable HM, can't DSDs help their Dad with the LOs?

I would say 2 hrs is not really long enough for him to really settle in, but is it the creche in the gym? Also if you're staying with him most of the time there's also no chance for him really to settle. DD will now probably always be ok, but now he has a real aversion to it you probably need to give it a break and try again.

But good advice from cirrhosisbythesea....

I do take the point about DH having the kids on a weekend, I really do...

But that doesn't solve my dilemma on whether I should perservere with the creche or take him out...

Is the general concenus I should take him out and work around that? yes?

thanks HM