5 year old boy - advice needed please

[Ziggytom]

Hiya

I need some feedback re what to do to foster independence, happiness etc in my ds and what's reasonable to expect. He was 5 in September.

Are you getting them to do chores at this age? He tidies up but only when I threaten him with removal of treats etc

Are you helping them get dressed or making them do it all on their own? I am trying to get him to do it on his own but he is a bit lazy

what do you do to encourage them to read/do homework? I bribe him with a sticker system which works but he wouldnt do it otherwise

is it really that awful for him to be having tea in front of the telly every night (i am a lone parent working full time with a commute so the sitting down meal thing is pretty hard and anyway i hate it)?

Do you make them eat the same as you or do 'kiddie' meals if they dont like what you do?

if his mate teases him and ds thumps mate is it fair to tell ds off (I do, but...)

His mate keeps kissing him and ds does not like it, mate does not stop when ds asks him to, ds thumps him and gets told off at school - is this fair?

sorry to quizz you....thanks to anyone who has the time to answer this...

I'd be really tempted to thump someone who kept kissing me and wouldn't stop when I asked them to!

But I think what you describe about tidying up, getting dressed etc is pretty common. I don't think it's laziness.

My DS (same age) is very happy and cooperative at school but really still wants a bit of babying at home. I think he might be a wanting a bit more affection and his asking for help with getting dressed etc is his way of getting it. I don't actually help him get dressed - I stay in the same room and chat to him and narrate his getting dressed or I make it into a race.

I'd talk to the teacher about this friend of his who sounds like he needs to back off really.

My goodness. There's a big list there!

Right, dressing - try to get him to do it. Maybe start with a couple of items then you whip on the other clothes, and build it up. I have been coming up with dress up games with DD (also 5), so she's a spaceman and we talk about putting her spacesuit (school uniform!) on as she does it.

Food - as above. WE call things all sorts - she and her sister were frogs the other night so they had pond water (apple juice) and flies (peas) etc. I give them the same as me, if they don't eat it that is their look out - but they don't get something else. I just don't have the time to make different meals.

The TV - personal choice. I don't like it cos DD wouldn't concentrate on eating at all.

The thumping a friend - he shouldn't really be doing that. Try teaching him to say "Stop, I don't like you doing that" and come up wtih some strategies if the friend just won't stop - e.g. tell the teacher, walk away, ignore. Must admit the kissing thing is a bit weird - I would speak to the teacher about that.

Most of all though - try to enjoy him - y ou sound a bit stressed out/unsure. IMO, it sounds like you are doing a great job - but overanalysing. He is little for such a short time, and he is at an age now where he is building his own character. It's bloody hard, but also will be in your memory forever as the wonderful years.

HTH

Ziggy can't answer everything, but with self sufficiency after much trial and a lot more error, I've found the only sane rule is consistency. So here now DS (also 5) dresses himself, takes his shoes off when he comes in and puts them away. Pours the juice at breakfast time, lays the table with me before tea, puts his plate on the side when he's finished, helps clear up his toys at end of day, etc. It's not loads, but it's enough to stop me being his servant. I don't bribe, but simply expect - it's what we do and it's not a big deal. Hardest part is starting something new, but if you explain reasonably, praise him lots and then stick to it (so simply nothing else will happen until it's done), then it will become automatic. DS rarely questions any of the above now, he just gets on with it. Don't turn it into a battle though as that way madness lies .

My ds is 5 in April.

He is expected to get dressed himself - and we have his cupboard sorted so that he can find the clothes he wants to wear and we put up with the results (within reason - he was told that he was categorically not going out in his shorts in the snow!). He can do all but his top button of his school shirts. He's normally quite quick with encouragement although he knows that we will go with him in whatever state of undress he is in if we're in a hurry (works each time )

Food - he has 'normal' ie adult food, although occasionally has fishfingers and chips as an occasional treat, or when school friends are over.

Games and toys - if we play with one thing, that has to be put away before the next thing comes out.

Reading - lets do your reading now, then you can get another book from school.... (although he does like reading, so this is not really a chore for him)

Good luck!

It is never right to thump anyone - you have to have a blanket ban on any sort of physical violence.

Yes it is important to sit with your child when they are eating and not plonk them infront fo the TV - maybe this time and him sitting down can then be rewarded with TV as can him actually doing his reading and his homework. Maybe grab a cuppa and sit and speak to him about his day and yours whilst he is eating - this is my DCs fave part of the day when they have my full attention.

Ds likes helping his sister empty the dishwasher and push the hoover around (we have a cleaner so they don't have to do this but it teaches them to help out by letting them do things they like and think are grown up!) then they are more proactive and will ask you if you need help.

As for getting dressed - you put their clothes out and tell them to get on with it - they have to be able to dress themselves for PE and stuff at school so they will be expected to do it on their own.

Are you getting them to do chores at this age? He tidies up but only when I threaten him with removal of treats etc

Are you helping them get dressed or making them do it all on their own? I am trying to get him to do it on his own but he is a bit lazy

what do you do to encourage them to read/do homework? I bribe him with a sticker system which works but he wouldnt do it otherwise: I think this is fine and no problem with a bit of healthy bribery. I mean, when I've worked hard I like a little wine reward!

is it really that awful for him to be having tea in front of the telly every night - I would say not, in view of your schedule. Make weekends the time you sit at the table for meals though, I would say.

Do you make them eat the same as you or do 'kiddie' meals if they dont like what you do: - I take acount of ds likes and dislikes, try to have a balance during the week where we eat the same but equally have some days where we have stuff he doesn't like and will provide him with tuna pasta instead

if his mate teases him and ds thumps mate is it fair to tell ds off: - Yes, he needs to be consistently told that hitting is not a way to get round things or win arguments.

His mate keeps kissing him and ds does not like it, mate does not stop when ds asks him to, ds thumps him and gets told off at school - is this fair? - again, yes fair he needs to be told. However I would pass on to your ds the strategy that I heard Stephen Fry used at school - when bullied physically by other kids he would go "oh, no, stop it - you'll give me an erection!" Would work even better with a kissing friend, I'll wager

oops missed out answering the first two; at five, re chores, with ds - very limited. Making own bed and tidying away toys only.

Getting dressed - definitely helped him.

6 yr old boy and 5 yr old girl here.

I find it helps not to be too rigid.
Insisting they are independent when they are tired is a waste of time as we just end up with a tantrum. Instead I go for the 'mummy's big baby' approach. I still help DS get dressed on the days I have had to wake him for him to be at school on time and he is still half asleep. After all I know that he can do it himself and that he certainly won't want to be my 'big baby' when he is 14!

They usually tidy up after themselves but if we haven't got round to it and they are tired, I just don't mention it, get them off to bed and do it myself. They don't have set chores apart from generally tidying up after themselves eg hanging up coat, dirty clothes in basket etc. However they often offer to help around the house eg unloading dishwasher, hanging out the washing, dusting, odd bit of vacuuming. They are particularly helpful when they are bored and want me to do something with them, they understand that if they help me with the jobs I will be finished quicker.

"I find it helps not to be too rigid."

Never was there better parenting advice Otherside

Obviously with certain important things like hitting, then consistency is key, but with general day to day life, I agree - life is happiest for all when you approach kids with an open mind and understand that they are human beings too not robots, and that sometimes it is ok to be flexible with your expectations.

I agree too - he's only 5, so still v.little. But expect a bit from him. He'll feel good about himself if you do - kids like to help mostly, they really do.

My DS was 5 in November - my perspective for what it's worth

Are you getting them to do chores at this age? I expect him to help me out with small things / do the bulk of tidying up of toys etc but I chat to him and help pick up at the same time. generally he will put one toy / set of toys away before getting something else out. He helps load / unload washing machine/dryer/dishwasher (I am trying to get in early with this one )

Are you helping them get dressed or making them do it all on their own? Same answer as you. I get clothes out and whether I help depends on how much time I have (morning rush in our house as I work)

what do you do to encourage them to read/do homework? Only reading homework at this stage and I'm supposed to do it with him - he's fine with this anyway

is it really that awful for him to be having tea in front of the telly every night (. I think it is - I always make him sit at the table and sit and have a cup of tea with him, we chat about the day etc. I get home from work about 5pm if that makes any difference.

Do you make them eat the same as you or do 'kiddie' meals if they dont like what you do? He has his own meals on weekdays as DH doesn't get home until late and the only time we get to chat is over mealtimes. If it was just me we'd probably have the same thing most of the time.

if his mate teases him and ds thumps mate is it fair to tell ds off (I do, but...) Yes. Zero tolerance on thumping.

His mate keeps kissing him and ds does not like it, mate does not stop when ds asks him to, ds thumps him and gets told off at school - is this fair? Yes, as long as mate gets told off as well. See above re zero tolerance on thumping.

Hi - thanks everyone