What do you say when your DC doesn't want to go on a playdate?

[franch]

I mean, I'm not going to make them go. They're 4 and 6, and they've both (hopefully temporarily) decided they don't like going to particular friends' houses. One is because the girl in question won't let DD1 play with her toys and gets sent upstairs by the nanny - which leaves DD1 playing with the baby sister most of the time. No idea what DD2's reason is - she just doesn't like the girl any more and can't articulate why.

What I'm wondering is what to say when I turn down the invitations. For DD2's friend (whose mum is a friend of mine) I was thinking of saying she's going through a clingy phase and can we leave it for a while (kind of true, but she is still happy to go to playdates at other friends' houses and I may end up letting that slip ); for DD1 I'm a bit stumped and am just hoping she'll decide to go at the last minute.

How have you tackled this?

Actually I have already accepted the invite from DD1's friend and have told her I'll ask her again nearer the time - but need an excuse handy if she sticks to her guns!

I'm completely upfront and say that they don't seem to be getting on that well at the moment (been there done that)

Maybe the nanny needs to handle the friend differently?

Just say thank you but that you/they have other plans for the week.

I wouldn't go in the "not getting on well" route because, children as they are, they hate each other one minute and the next one they are best freinds.

Now if the girl was properly bullying your child I most certainly used the not getting on well line.

Lonicera - as far as both friends are concerned, they are getting on beautifully, so I'd have some explaining to do, which I don't fancy!

NoFlys - I agree but can't say so!

Mongolia - in both cases it's a "When can X come for tea?" invite, not a specific date.

Agree on the bullying.

This feels so much more awkward than it should!

Go on, somebody must have done this before and managed it with perfect tact and diplomacy...?

If she is a friend of yours she shouldn't be offended if you say that your DD doesn't want to go. Could you meet up somewhere else, like a playground? It's neutral ground and no 'it's mine'.

Maybe the nanny should be encouraging sharing rather than separating them.

Thanks Detta (and everyone). It's the mum of DD2's friend who's a friend of mine; it's DD1's friend who has the nanny.

Again I agree that the nanny's actions aren't ideal, but nothing I can do about that, sadly.

I was trying to think of alternative scenarios for DD2 and her friend, but she really does want nothing to do with her. DD1 is very generally sociable; DD2 does take strong likes and dislikes to people which I sometimes find hard to fathom. I've just texted my friend (DD2's friend's mum) and said something about DD2 going through an odd phase, which is true (when isn't it?!) - that she's being a bit antisocial and can we put it on hold for a bit. As you say, easier to say to a friend (altho as she is a friend I'm even more wary of offending her!). And easier to say about a 4yo than a 6yo.

DD1's playdate is the week after next and she's agreed we'll talk about it nearer the time; but with her it's not so much that she dislikes the friend, it's more that she dislikes the playdates themselves because she's left feeling awkward and uncomfortable. The nanny and the mum are lovely, the nanny's discipline methods are none of my business really and I'm not going to start making an issue out of them with the mum.

I think if the nanny is putting the other child upstairs, it might be worth saying that ? If I was the friend, I'd rather know & agree, it's better to encourage sharing. Dare I say lazy nannying for the sending the child upstairs ? Does she go up there for 5 or so mins or the rest of the time ? If she does it again, perhaps you could take DD1 home ? Although I am guessing you are not at the house ?..Perhaps you could say, if you send your charge upstairs, could you call me so I can collect DD1 as she doesn't like playing with the baby/being left to play alone.

For the DD1 one could you just ask if the friend can come to yours instead?

Thanks F40 and alarkaspree. alark: DD1's friend has already been to ours a few times - we take it in turns, so again I'd have to give a reason for having her here twice in a row ...

F40 - dunno how long DD1's friend goes upstairs for - it may just be 5 mins but feel like a lifetime to DD1! - she's not great at judging times yet. No, I don't go with them on playdates any more. I really doubt that the nanny's doing anything that the parents don't sanction - she's been with them for years - and do feel it'd be a bit confrontational to get involved ... I guess it's something I'll have to consider if I can't fob her off with an excuse - this mum is an acquaintance rather than a friend so much more difficult to know how to handle it with tact and sensitivity.

of course you have to do what suits you . I wouldn't worry about the other mum though, if you're DD is unhappy, I think she is your priority - are there other little girls she can be friends with ?

Oh goodness, F40, what a strange thing to say - of course the DDs' happiness is my priority!!! My very first sentence was, I'm not going to force them to go. And yes, DD1 has tons of other friends - that's very very far from being the issue. Of course it'd be a shame for her to lose a friend due to the actions of the nanny, but my question was about how I go about declining the invitation without causing offence, not about whether to decline it, and certainly not about how to manage DD1's friendships - she does that absolutely fine herself.

The mum of DD2's friend responded in a very friendly and relaxed manner to my text, so all's fine there for now at least

good, glad it worked out

Thanks F40, yes, all well with DD2 for now. Still not sure what I'll do about DD1's friend.

From recent personal experience too much honesty can come on a bit strong. a friend actually told me in great detail and at length that dd didn't want to come to play, although her brother did because her dd had said that she didn't like mine. She also relayed the saga of their joint party where dd didn't want my dd to come but had to because ds did! At the time it felt like refreshing honesty, but upset me later because altough I know that feasibly all children won't like dd and vice versa it felt a bit too much information!

Exactly lbl. It's easy to advise someone else just to be honest, but the fact is, the truth can hurt and I have no desire to do this! A vaguer (non-personal) explanation seems to have worked so far for DD2's friend (which is where dislike actually does come into it).

DD1 doesn't actually dislike her friend (although their friendship has definitely cooled lately and she is getting frustrated with the friend's reluctance to share - they are 6 years old after all); I think she'd be ok about going if she wasn't left playing with the 3yo sister so much! (And by the way, DD1 is very laidback and brilliant with younger kids - pretty happy to play with anyone in fact, but feels awkward in this situation when the friend she's come to play with is being punished.)

Hmm.