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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Horrible spoilt child - HELP!

16 replies

ReneRusso · 20/01/2010 21:17

My DDs nasty temper and selfish behaviour is really getting me down. She had me in floods of tears tonight, because I am just fed up with the way she treats me. The trigger was as follows: there is a form that came home the other day from school which needs signing. It's not something interesting like a school trip, it's just some boring policy document. I haven't got round to signing it yet as there quite a few pages to read (and it looks really dull). The school haven't said its urgent, so I will get to it in due course. My DD likes everything to be just so, and she asked me yesterday to sign it. I said I would have a look at it when I get the chance. Then today she stuck her head right in my face and shrieked at me, "why haven't you signed the form yet". This is not an isolated incident, she's really shouty if anything is not to her liking. The wrong snack after school, if she can't find something she needs, if I haven't bought a present yet for her friend's birthday, just to name a few examples. Even seeing her mother in floods of tears didn't stop her, still she was whining about getting the bloody form signed. I know I must have gone horribly wrong somewhere along the line to make her like this. She can just about behave properly at school and doesn't regularly lose her temper there, it's just at home. She is equally vile to DH. She is 7 by the way. I just don't know what to do. Any bright ideas anyone? Thanks for reading.

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maxpower · 20/01/2010 21:19

Not sure what to suggest but I've been there when you've been driven to tears and they still carry on. What do you and DH do when she behaves this way?

Original poster

ReneRusso · 20/01/2010 21:21

My DDs nasty temper and selfish behaviour is really getting me down. She had me in floods of tears tonight, because I am just fed up with the way she treats me. The trigger was as follows: there is a form that came home the other day from school which needs signing. It's not something interesting like a school trip, it's just some boring policy document. I haven't got round to signing it yet as there quite a few pages to read (and it looks really dull). The school haven't said its urgent, so I will get to it in due course. My DD likes everything to be just so, and she asked me yesterday to sign it. I said I would have a look at it when I get the chance. Then today she stuck her head right in my face and shrieked at me, "why haven't you signed the form yet". This is not an isolated incident, she's really shouty if anything is not to her liking. The wrong snack after school, if she can't find something she needs, if I haven't bought a present yet for her friend's birthday, just to name a few examples. Even seeing her mother in floods of tears didn't stop her, still she was whining about getting the bloody form signed. I know I must have gone horribly wrong somewhere along the line to make her like this. She can just about behave properly at school and doesn't regularly lose her temper there, it's just at home. She is equally vile to DH. When we point out that her behaviour is unacceptable she says sorry, but she doesn't really mean it, and nothing changes. She is 7 by the way. I just don't know what to do. Any bright ideas anyone? Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 20/01/2010 21:22

Well, you need to stop crying in front of her for a start.
Remember that you and your husband are the ones in charge here.
Cancel a playdate or a new toy, take way something she loves playing with and tell her why.
Don't lose it and scream at her, be calm and controlled and in charge. You and DH back each other up.
She's 7 years old, it's important that she respects you both now as a foundation for the future.

Original poster

ReneRusso · 20/01/2010 21:23

Sorry to post that twice I got a strange error message and a blank message so I posted again

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 20/01/2010 21:25

Also, it's important totake your time to discover the origin of this behaviour. Do you both shout a lot? Is there something going on at school that is making her feel she can't express herself?
Does she get enough attention at home?
Deal with the bad behaviour first and then slowly introduce gentle nurturing talks where she is comfortable expressing herself.

Original poster

ReneRusso · 20/01/2010 21:26

When I feel strong, then I just ignore the whining and ask her to speak nicely. I'm not sure if this works because sometimes that makes her whine louder or lose her temper and start screaming and shouting. But tonight I wasn't feeling strong. Me breaking down in tears I guess was a desperate attempt to stop her or shock her. Didn't work.

OP posts:

compo · 20/01/2010 21:29

Next time say to her as firmly as you can 'please do not shout at me'

then take a step back

tell her firmly to go to her room until she can talk to you nicely

mrsruffallo · 20/01/2010 21:31

She is too old to be ignored. She is old enough to understand what is expected of her.
Are you a bit detached from her emotionally atm (don't answer if you don't want to)
Why do you think she is so emotional?

cory · 20/01/2010 21:33

One thing I find helps is to ask myself what I would do if I were a rather oldfashioned headmistress and a child behaved like that in front of me. The stern look over your spectacles (you can practise the same effect without glasses), the firm tone and eventually a measured punishment is probably what that kind of character would do- so I;d try that.

winnybella · 20/01/2010 21:39

Second what cory said.

Tell her to stop and that if she does not appropriate punishment will be meted out.

It really does work- the threat of confiscating Nintendo DS had an amazing effect on my ds. I had to follow the threat once or twice, though, before he got it.

That way you will regain some control and authority, which in turn will allow you to spend some nice time with your well-behaved daughter.

yummumto3girls · 20/01/2010 21:41

You have my full sympathy, I have a 5 (6 in March) who is driving me mad too, not quite the same as you more not doing what she is told, constant whining and hitting her big sister. She has had several things taken away from her as punishment, has been told she will have treats to reward good behaviour but nothing seems to make a difference. Every day I make an effort to be pleased to see her when she comes out of school but usually I end up being angry with her within minutes of seeing her. Today I was in tears before I got to the end of the road! I have a 14 week old baby and suspect she is feeling a bit put out although is lovely with the baby just not me.

Original poster

ReneRusso · 20/01/2010 21:49

MrsRuffalo
Thanks for replying and helping me to think about this. I don't feel detached from her emotionally, although I am pregnant so it's possible I am a bit focussed on myself + the baby. To be honest I feel I am emotionally more available to both my DDs than ever. But this is not a recent problem, she has always been quite difficult, but it has got gradually worse. There has been lots of upheaval in our lives in the last year or two which could be a part of the story.

OP posts:

cory · 20/01/2010 21:51

I think it helps to try the look of gentle but firm disbelief first, before launching into punishments though. If you are forever confiscating things, that loses its terror. Every time you can manage just by a firm voice is a win.

LowLevelWhingeing · 20/01/2010 21:51

Just to add to what winny said, when you are thinking about what sanctions you will dish out - i.e. confiscate a toy or something - make sure it is something you are prepared to carry out and do it if she crosses the line.

So, for example, don't make idle threats to cancel a holiday as you wouldn't want to carry that out. But something that's important to her like no TV or whatever.

Also, you can use pre-emptive strategies before she gets wound up about something. E.g. putting effort into spending quality time together, complimenting her good behaviour when she is nice. Make sure she feels like you like her because when it feels so unpleasant and stressful for you, she may be receiving vibes that you really don't like her and that can be a vicious circle.

And this book is brilliant Hot To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk

Original poster

ReneRusso · 20/01/2010 22:02

Thanks to all for the suggestions. I need to think of appropriate punishment. She has already lost her nintendo DS so I can't take that. She is not too bothered about most of her toys, I think we might have confiscated things before to no avail. Her chief motivators are playdates, pocket money, sweets and telly. I'm quite anxious about her being happy socially so I'm not sure I've got the heart to cancel playdates. I will keep that back as a last resort.
Lowlevel, I completely agree that some positivity and compliments are important too.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 20/01/2010 22:24

Never cry in front of her. If you feel it coming on go and lock yourself in the loo and only come out when you can control it! It is frightening for a DC to have the power to reduce an adult to tears.
If the playdate is the thing that would really make her stop and think I would go for that. I expect you would only have to do it the once and that won't affect her socially. Keep calm, keep consistent. Catch her when being good and spend time with her then-it is all too tempting to ignore when things are going well.

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