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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Yet again ive taken ds to an after school activity and yet agin we ended up coming home within 10 mins. What can i do about this?

28 replies

sunburntats · 19/01/2010 19:11

Ds is 6.
A letter about soccer skills came home from school, and i asked him if he fancied it. he was quite enthused about it. We discussed it this morning, again, he was enthusiastic, but when we got there, he refused to move from the wall and join in, refused to even sit and see what they were doing.

This happened when he was smaller so i put it down to him just being too young, but now i cant think why he refuses to join in things!

Its frustrating because he loves footy at home.
he says he is shy, so i offered to go with him, and there were 3 other kids from his class there.

How do i coax him out of this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

rasputin · 19/01/2010 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sunburntats · 19/01/2010 19:18

ALSO if you dont mind, he isnt sleeping, he was up at 4.30 this morning (dh told me, i was out for the count completely shattered)
downstairs watching spongebob, didnt go back to bed so is shattered tonight, put him to bed at 6.30 poor little thing had black rings round his eyes still maintaining that he isnt tired yawning all the way up the stairs.

OP posts:

Original poster

sunburntats · 19/01/2010 19:20

I would do that BUT they say that they dont encourage you to leave your child, and it is at the local high school and we dont know any one there.
Dont know the other kids parents in his class that go, enough to ask if i can leave him with them.

OP posts:

PrettyCandles · 19/01/2010 19:25

Take him there. Drop him off. Don't tell him to join in. If he doesn't want to join in just tell him it's OK to watch until he's ready. Then say goodbye and leave. Don't interrogate him when you return.

Sometimes children manipulate their parents unconsciously, not realising that they are spoiling things for themselves. He needs to get out of that mindset. Perhaps he doesn't realise that he can enjoy himself, only sees the shyness and not beyond, and so is very anxious about being shy.

As for his early waking - unplug the TV and hide the remote when you go to bed at night. If there's nothing interesting to keep him awake, he is more likely to go back to bed or to read in bed, where he may drop off to sleep again.

PrettyCandles · 19/01/2010 19:27

Next week arrive early and talk to the coach. Tell him that your ds won't join in if you are there, and that you will remain at the school but will stay out of sight - in the lobby, perhaps - so that your ds won't realise that you are around and available.

DollyMessiter · 19/01/2010 19:31

He was probably shattered so you were on a hiding to nothing with tonight's session.

If the instructor insists on you being there, then just sit with a book.
Let him sit next to you, but don't give him any attention.
Leave it to the instructor to encourage him to join in.

Give it two or three weeks, and if he still isn't entering into the spirit, I'd give it a miss and either find something else, or wait until he's a bit older.

Re his sleeping, do you have a fixed bedtime routine, and what time does he go to bed?

There · 19/01/2010 19:40

I took my DD 8 weeks in a row to swimming lessons and she did not go into the pool once (normally I can't get her out of the pool!). But she watched and then practiced all the stuff the other kids were doing on her own.

Next time we tried swimming lessons, she was the first one to jump in. Depending on how much it costs, I would keep going. I used to be like that as a kid, desperate to join in but too shy to do it, and hating myself afterwards.

Sometimes the trainer can help. When we tried gymnastics with DD, the trainer was really good at getting her to join in - acknowledged her presence, but then ignored her until she was with the other kids taking part. I noticed with the swmimming instructor, she kept asking DD to come in whenever she saw her make a move towards the pool, and that would set her back.

But I would definetely give the guy more than 10 minutes!

Original poster

sunburntats · 19/01/2010 21:10

Very strict bedtime routine, in bed between 7-7.30 every night.
Same routinesince he was a baby.

Think that is a damned good suggestion pretty, im going to do that. I can easily wait in the hallway or even sit in the car and sneek back in after half an hour or so.

Although i did tell him that i wouldnt take him to anything again
Think i will talk to him in the morning and say lets forget about tonight and start again next week. I will go early and speak to the coach as you suggest.
Think that may work.
thanks every one x

OP posts:

FeeGB · 21/01/2010 09:40

My son is also like yours - He is 4 and I took him to martial arts last night for the second time - the first time he sat on my knee the whole time - he went away very excited and counted the days until it was martial arts again he ran into the building and then put his brakes on once he got to the room. He cried and ran out when I was going to leave him - I don't understand as he was so looking forward to it - I don't want to pay for the class if he is going to keep on doing this - I do want to carry on with the class as I think it will be good for him but I am getting so frustrated with him hanging on - can anyone suggest anything?

Vivia · 21/01/2010 10:02

Leave him there: drop him off, leave immediately, only return to pick him up.

My brother and I were notoriously bad at doing anything my mother organized. I did three types of dancing, swimming lessons, gymnastics and horse-riding. For an hour before going to the activities I would cry and tantrum and fake illness. She would haul me into the car, drop me there and return an hour later. I didn't really 'enjoy' being there but I joined in because I had to, because I'd signed up for it. She says the evil stares I gave her on returning were terrifying and hilarious. It really, honestly, set me up for life. The socializing, the not being able to shirk something I promised I'd do, the having to 'suck it up' as some MNers might say...

My brother is 10 years younger. Mum worried that her 'tough love' with me was harsh, so she would encouragingly stay with him through football etc and his tantrums increased. Once at swimming lessons, my brother aged 5 was screaming and sobbing with [fake, he now admits] terror. He yelled 'Mummy! How can you do this to me?' The instructor told mum to go for a coffee and leave him to it. Much better.

Vivia · 21/01/2010 10:04

I left out the funny bit - my brother screamed this from the water while mum sat with the other parents above the pool. Drama queen!

RocheMoutonee · 21/01/2010 10:05

dont go to them
he is only 6

GypsyMoth · 21/01/2010 10:07

fee...i think 4 is very young to be left at martial arts. its a huge room full of people moving round and shouting loudly. not surprised he's a bit scared to be honest.

JustGettingByMum · 21/01/2010 10:08

If there are three others from your son's class going as well, could you offer to take one of them with you? That way your son walks into football with a friend (or at least someone he knows)!

stealthsquiggle · 21/01/2010 10:15

Absolutely agree with the no TV thing. When we banned morning TV completely, DS miraculously stopped waking up early (of course now I have to drag him out of bed to get to school on time, but that is a whole other issue).

DS was similar about activities. I ended up taking the "OK, we go, we stay, and you have to watch, because I have paid for the term, but it's up to you if you join in" approach, with no coaxing or discussion. Max 3 sessions before he joined in, and now he has (and enjoys) more after-school activities than I can cope with.

stealthsquiggle · 21/01/2010 10:16

and Fee - I agree - he's very little - do you have to leave?

juuule · 21/01/2010 10:29

Would he have sat and watched if you stayed with him?
Maybe do that a few times and he might feel confident enough to join in at some point.
Otherwise, as someone else has said, I'd call it a day and wait until he is older.

FeeGB · 21/01/2010 10:30

I agree that 4 is young although he is nearly 5 - but the class is for 3 - 6 year olds and all the rest are fine - and to be honest the instructor does not want parents in the class - I will give it another couple of weeks of staying in the class with him and see if it gets any better.

SingleMum01 · 21/01/2010 10:32

Probably get flamed for this but why do parents take their kids to activities if the kids aren't happy staying there/doing them. My DS is 7 - I've tried various things with him that he has wanted to try. usually lasted a couple of weeks before he hasn't wanted to go back. Why pay the money if they don't want to do it. The only activity I've made him stick with is swimming as I believe that is a life skill.

stealthsquiggle · 21/01/2010 10:36

singlemum - I know it sounds barking and pushy, but in my case I persisted because DS wanted to do these things (every week, not just before the event) - he was just losing his nerve when he actually got there. Once we got over that hurdle and he had a chance to watch a couple of sessions, he was more confident that he knew what he was meant to do, and proceeded to join in and enjoy it. I wouldn't have kept it up if, between sessions, he had said he didn't want to go.

FeeGB · 21/01/2010 10:40

oh i agree with the swimming thing but I have been told that martial arts is very good for boys of his age and of course if he hates it I will not force him but I don't want him to think he can give everything up if he stamps his feet and has a cry - what life skills will i be teaching him.

FeeGB · 21/01/2010 10:43

I agree stealth - my son wants to go too but loses his nerve and I just wanted to know if anyone had any tips to keep his nerve when he gets there.

amidaiwish · 21/01/2010 10:53

was it after school?
could he have been hungry or just knackered?

this clock has totally sorted DD1 out (she used to be a 5am girl then cranky every evening). First we used it with the moon/sun, now she reads the time and is not allowed up before 7am. (on a reward/bribe scheme).

if he is hungry or tired, forget it.

if he is just shy but would like to do the activity i think you need to try and break the cycle where he clings to you/wont join in.

Could you persuade him to take a deep breath, be brave and just join in for a couple of minutes. If he does that you will buy him xxx on the way home? If after 2 minutes he doesn't like it then he can leave and you won't be cross with him.

sometimes they just need a little shove to get over it.

when they arrive has the activity started or are they just milling around? could you arrive 5 mins early and ask the teacher to ask your ds to help him set up? Sometimes that helps as less daunting and they feel some ownership.

Or if you arrive and they are just milling around that can be quite daunting. I always find it better if they can join straight in with something structured quickly.

ruhavingalarf · 21/01/2010 10:56

My DS ( also 6 ) doesn't like it when he starts something new and doesn't know how it works properly. He likes really clear instruction and if the teacher/coach isn't clear or he can't hear the instructions properly he gets stressed. He's not especially shy but is super keen and always wants to do his very best, so if he doesn't understand has a real sense of being behind which he hates.

I remember taking him to a football party a few years ago and was really frustrated because tho he loves playing at home he was glued to my lap the whole time and wouldn't join in until halfway thru. I found out later it was because they were doing a long "warm up" and he was very confused because there weren't any goalkeepers. It took a lot of gentle questioning over a period of a week to get this, he couldn't articulate it to me at the time because I don't think he understood then why he was distressed.

His fave after school activity right now is tennis, and I think this is because its a very small group, no other noise around to distract - its outdoors - and a very concise, clear and direct coach.

FeeGB · 21/01/2010 11:03

amidalwish - that is a great idea - my son would be delighted to help set up - the class he goes to is a double class but because I work he can only go to the 2nd class so there are children already doing the activities - i asked my husband last night to see if he could take him to the earlier class to see if that makes any difference. I did try the bribery and normaly this works for him but last night no. He is going straight from nursery - which he gets feed tonnes at and tired I don't think he is - I will try saying him to do it for a couple of minutes and taking a big breath because I really do believe he will love marial arts as he is quite a physical 4 year old - thanks for your advice - that was just the kind of thing I was looking for.

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