Please help - at the end of my tether

[fledtoscotland]

am not sure whether to post this in behaviour or parenting

DS1 is 2.5 and is fast becoming a nightmare. He has had recurrent ear infections since he was a baby (every time he gets an infection his ear drum perforates). Also he has a speech delay

he has been assessed by ENT who say that he has "congestion in his ears and nose" and have just been given a 3month course of a nasal spray. There is no deficit in his hearing

He has also been assessed by SALT and he has delayed and disordered speech with " very limited sounds and reluctance to initiate sounds".

DS1's behaviour is deteriorating fast lurching from one tantrum to the next. he throws things as me, DS2 (16months), grabs the cat, bites me. Today am very to admit he got a smack on his leg - put him in the back of the car, shut the door and went round the other side to strap DS2 into his seat. In the space of 30secs, DS1 climbed into the front, opened the car door and sprinted across the carpark. I can shout at him and he ignores me. I tell him off and he ignores me. say do you want a chocolate biscuits in a whisper and he hears

ENT, SALT and the GP have ruled out Autism, dont think is dyspraxia as he has fab motor skills and balance or any other syndrome. have been told he is just being a toddler.

am totally at my wits end. I love him to bits but I cant cope with him. I dont know how to get him to listen and I dont know how to get him to communicate/speak to me.

thanks for reading this any any suggestions will gratefully received.

Sorry - no advice but maybe post this on the special needs board too?

firstly dont be so hard on yourself you sound like your doing great

my ds has high functioning autism was dx at 3 but before that all we knew was limited speech and speech sounds i found his behaviour so hard he was so frustrated and needed to be spoken to and showed things in a different way when speaking to him i had to limit my use of words to about 3 word sentences x want drink

also had to verbalise everything i was doing from making tea to going for a wee so he could see the words to actions

2.5 -3 was the very worst for me it does get easier as he got older and his speech started coming along he was less hard work and easier to handle his 4.9 now and we have just tackled the last 2 main speech sounds that were missing and his speech is much better now

i was told time out at this age is ok but to not punish but to just remove from situation as too many words and trying to explain what his done he was never going to grasp it so it was more for me to calm down and him

his still quite young so could be just speech delay and frustration are you using picture cards with him or anything? is there any other behaviours that lead you to think could be more does he maintain eye contact does he have any obsessions, whats his sleep like does he dislike certain things materials , noise , change of routine?

buublagirl -thanks for the reassurance. they have ruled out autism as he has fab eye contact, no obsessions, he sleeps like a dream 6.30pm til 7am every night. he isnt bothered by loud noises, loves an adventure.

The only extra thing that we can think of is that he may be jealous of his younger brother who had a heart problem at birth and of course we were very concerned (DS2 is now fine and healthy).

Actually had a more productive tea time as he helped me cook the spaghetti.

we have thought about flash cards but wondered if he is too young

CocoK - why do you think this needs to be posted on a special needs board

I have to say that regardless of hearing or speach problems, he sounds like a perfectly normal little man!
Well, at least mine was exactly how you describe.
I will also repeat the mn mantra, its all a phase, it will pass because it will.Honstly.

Horribly horribly normal

thank sunburntats - thats really what i wanted to hear. I just want to be told that its normal to feel like this and that it will pass. Have been imagining all sort of horrible scenarios but as DH says, we have seen enough paediatricians that if someone had any serious concerns they would have been raised by now.

I had a difficult first child - say "had" because now a lot easier.

What helped me:

• Spending a day a week one-on-one with her only (after DD2 was born) - just to remember how nice they really are. If this isn't an option, then even 30 mins at a specific time during the day (bedtime doesn't count) or a special day out at regular intervals.

• 3 books:
  Unconditional parenting
  How to talk so kids will listen
  Siblings without rivalry

It's all in there.

• One 30-min session with a child councellor - just talking it through, I found my own answers plus incorporated some of her ideas.

• Breaking down all our activities and habits, seeing when/where they were going wrong, talking through the problems with DD1 and involving her in any changes in routine.

I now lose it once a day with DD1, but it used to be every day, all day, so it's a great improvement - nobody has a smooth ride. Every time I lose it, I think what did I do wrong, and try and correct it for the next time. It is after all the most stressful, demanding, difficult job in the world.

i think it was suggested sn thread not to panic you but alot of other mums with children with speech problems on there

also speech therapists on there too with fab advise but on personal not professional

make sure you can set aside some 1-1 time with your ds as it could be jealousy but having had a child with speech delay i also remember how frustrating it was for him we were told to start the cards he was around 2.3 at the time nothing too complicated just pictures of drink and other every day things he may need

also try as much as possible to ignore any bad behaviour remove him from situation with a firm no hitting or no biting then when he comes back and plays well really praise that wow your playing so well

how much can he communicate with words is he speaking at all putting words together etc

also im so glad to hear your ds2 is happy and healthy bless him

we were advise too young for star chart for behaviour but we did one for brushing teeth etc so he felt and could see how helpful he was being this helped alot
he enjoyed helping and receiving praise

just have that special 1-1 time in the day and really praise him for playing nice with cat or brother and try not to tell him off over everything he may do wrong just calmly tell him or move him away pick your battles and lots of praise with age and with speech coming my ds is the calmest child now and i never thought i would say that and thats with having additional problems too

so there is a light best thing said to me was pick your battles i didnt realise in one day how many times i was telling him not to do something or picking so i replaced it with praise and if i didnt like what he was doing distracted him and started new game with lots of praise

car incident strap him in next time really praise for being a big boy and maybe if you have book in car you could give him that while you seat ds2 and then praise him how big he was for sitting nicely

but also remember your doing a great job

Hi, sounds normal, i am going through similar thing with DS1 (2.4) and about to have baby no2 so sure it will get worse. He also has speech delay but no other issues. He lurches from one tantrum to next, i seem to spend most of the day tiptoeing round him, trying to cajole him into doing something. Even fun suggestions like "shall we go to softplay today?" get a surly "no!" as response. Sometimes i just give up and let him be grumpy and tearful, it's the only time he is happy if you know what i mean!

He has also taken to protesting any time anyone comes round, including grandparents, cousins, auntie etc. He is visibly put out by their presence.

I keep thinking it has to pass at some point, just carry on as normal!!

Thanks everyone

today he was at nursery til 4pm so he was on his best behaviour there (of course). Very tired on the way home and just wanted to sit and watch cbeebies for 30mins whilst I got tea ready.

Normal behaviour resumed as soon as the food was on the plate - screaming, kicking, throwing his fork and cup. Refused to eat any tea. screamed being undressed and into the bath. happy once in the bath. screamed coming out of the bath. screamed being dried. happy to have his hair dried and then had total meltdown when the hairdryer was turned off.

he is now upstairs taking his room to pieces

Having said that, in the 3.5 hours since he has come out of nursery, I have held it together and he has only been told of once when he hit me.

Very small steps but at least in the right direction.

it seems he was very overtired and all has become a huge deal to him

could if he was too tired maybe skip the bath and go straight to bed as i find my ds is better just going straight to bed for quiet time other wise the rest is just a battle and when over tired takes him even longer to unwind to sleep

even now at 4.9 he can be seen going to bed at 6 if really tired it just means his better behaved and can settle quicker he does have tv and video in his room so he has an escape to have quiet time and unwind

You have been given so much great advice, I dont have anything to contribute other than asking if you are using a lot of airfreshners at home? I have read that they are causing ear infections in children.

nightmare day. he was in a strop from the word go. went to visit my friend and her DS who is the same age as DS1 and we had to come home early because of his tantrums and

tried desperately to ignore the bad behaviour but and reward the good but its hard.

2010aQuintessentialOdysse.. - we dont use any airfreshners because of my allergies