Screaming at 7yr old - feel a failure

[scanty]

I'm feeling awful. Have 2 boys 7yrs and 4 yrs. They are great kids and I have no real issues with them. Lately, I have been losing it with the older one. I ask him many times to do something, anything - could be getting ready, brushing teeth etc and this past week I have ended up screaming at him several times after my constant requests fall on deaf ears.I know many parents have this to deal with and it's not unusual but I don't want to parent by smacking though I have done so occasionaly. I hate the way this makes me feel like an awful mother and I hate to see him freeze and practicaly cower. I just seem to see red though have to admit that I wouldn't react like this in public so I should be able to control myself more though this problem seems to happen more in the house, getting ready for school/bed etc. How do others deal with this?

They're real flash points aren't they, getting read to do school / bed. i know just what you mean. Cos you're stood there like a lemon waiting for thm, and they're just dawdling, and getting distracted.

DS was once so distracted getting undressed for bed, that I walked into his room and he was shuffling round with his trousers round his ankles whilst he played with his Ben 10 toys.

Apart from the funny bits, it takes a lot of patience.

I try and get everything ready the night before, for school. Maybe have a chat to him about "how can we stop me shouting, because neither of us like that", and "let's make a list of what yu need to do to get ready for school" I ahven't done that bit yet, but I've also made DS very aware of the time and what he needs to do.

Hi Scanty,

My son used to be a nightmare for this as well. If I asked him to do more than one thing at a time (i.e. get your bag from your room and put your shoes on) he'd only make it as far as getting his bag, before wandering aimlessly round his room and reading something that caught his eye.

I ended up getting him to write a list of the things he needs to do and in what order. If I had to remind him about something more than three times, he got a ban from either playing on the computer or something.

He has got better but still drives me pots for rags sometimes. The latest battle we have is getting him to close cereal packets before putting them back in the cupboard.

The other morning he took the box out and poured the entire box of cheerios all over his head....

See, I'm not averse to bribery.

I once told DS that every time he left his dirty pants on the floor, instead of putting thm in the laundry basket, he would get 10p docked from his Saturday Pound. it worked.

although DD two and a half, choose a weekend and try this, just get your coat and say "Right I'm going" and stand outside the door, or do it on school day a bit ahead of time. I am sure they will follow....

pay no mind to them not being dressed, or say you will look silly at school like that won't you.

clock good idea. show them they should be ready by the time the big hand is on such and such. If not revert to leaving house with no attention or argument.

I wouldn't reward my son for putting his coat on when asked because it's not anything over and above what he needs to do. He had to get into some sort of routine and do things for himself and I refused to do them for him as a way of making things easier.

What I decided was that if he didn't get his brain and his arse in gear, he'd lose out and really feel the pinch. It worked as well!

I've currently got a similar issue going on with my 11 year old daughter who keeps turning over and going back to sleep every morning.

I've warned her if she doesn't get up when her alarm goes off, I won't shout her and will let her run late for school and have to explain to her teachers why she's late.

Thanks for the support but I'm worried I could be damaging him and his little brother. I sometimes follow the screaming with me talking to him, almost brow beating and I feel a total bully. I had a father who used to psychologically bully us and I'd hate to think I was repeating this behaviour. I tell myself just to send him to his room after the third request etc, tell myself just to stay calm and remove him or me from the situation (obviously school in the morning is different). It's not always this bad, just seems to have flared up badly this week. Sometimes I wonder if the odd quick smack is the lesser of the 2 evils!

I know what you mean, scanty, it's like you are feeling you are nagging them into submission, and almost getting off on the power.
Of course we shouldn't shout at our children, it's an abuse of power, but so easy to fall into when you need to get things done.
I think the key is communication, I mean planning ahead with them and talking about how you need to work together to stop the shouty mummy emerging
Organisation is key, esp in the mornings. I now try to lower my voice when I feel like shouting, and it seems to work just as well.

I know exactly what you mean there Scanty ? I've done it myself. Sometimes, I become aware of how I'm really starting to lose my rag and know if I don?t stop there, I'll go ballistic.

What might help is telling them to go upstairs and let you cool off. Do you think this is becoming something of an issue for you?

mrs ruffallo and Spannerweb

I really hear what you are both saying. I'm a bit of a scatty, unorganised mum but we do have a lot of love and fun in the house but it has been bad this past few days. I'm a SAHM and husband is on a business trip (a frequent thing). Our relationship isn't great at the moment and he has announced he will be offered a new job next week which could mean a move overseas so I have no idea what this year will bring. Maybe, it's all just preying on my mind or could have nothing to do with it - I don't want to be reaching for excuses. They are great kids and I'm so proud of them which makes me feel worse as they really don't cause any real problems.

my 7 year old is driving me bonkers at the moment, and I do sometimes shout, though I dislike myself intensely when I loose it with him. his 5 year old brother is now copying his not listening/answering back. I find refusing to engage in debates helps with mine, who is always up for an argument about everything! plus, making sure he is looking at me and listening before I ask him to do anything, not asking him to do too many things at once (he gets too distracted), praising absolutely anything he does that is what I asked him. also making things into 'challenges' eg I challenge you to get ready before this song on the radio finishes'or whatever. but it doesnt work all the time! good luck

to lu9months

thankyou, actually they are all good tips (which I knew in the past but simetimes forget when the going is smooth for a while) which I will bear in mind. Know about the debates LOL - I get into them and then think, why am I having a debate with my 7yr old, only thing is, now the 4 yr old has started as well!!

I do school pick ups for a 7 and 10 year old, I've been doing it since September. The 7 year old doesn't listen to a word I say, especially if the telly is on, I can be sitting right next to her and she won't even acknowledge me with a 'hmmm'. I tell her twice then I just turn the telly off, irrespective of whether I'm asking her to do something or just trying to have a conversation. TBH it gets my goat and I only see them for 6 hours each week, I would go ballistic if I had to witness it day in day out so I feel for you!

I think you have to sit down and tell them straight that you will have a three strikes and you're out rule - they lose some privileges/toys/pocket money straight off if they don't reply by the third ask.

If it's a matter of not being ready for a certain time maybe less is more - don't badger them just give them a 5 min countdown, announcing how long they have left. When the time has finished just leave without them!

I do think you need to work on remaining calm. You DO have more strategies than you think, you CAN be in control. I feel for you as you sound so tortured by how you are with them when you lose control - it would be so nice for you to have peace of mind that you are not doing that to them, or to yourself

I do know how frustrating it can be. With my 7 yo ds I think routine is key - in the mornings we have the TV on after breakfast and he knows that as soon as a certian programme comes on, that's getting dressed time. And when the next one comes on, it's time to be out of the house. By the way, I still help him dress. So shoot me! He needs organising and helping, he is immature for 7 and I'm frankly not worried about it - he won't still be asking me when he's 16 so it's not an issue for me.

You say you have no real issues with them - so I would just physically help them more and not worry about it personally. Lay everything out the night before so you're not chasing round like a headless chicken, then just help them dress and do teeth

You won't be creating the old 'rod for your own back' chestnut because imo children's own internal impetus for independence kicks in and they naturally want to do stuff for themselves at some stage.

Agree with ensuring they are looking at you when you talk to them, don't talk from another room or the other side of the room - be in their faces, politely! Also agree with lowering your voice instead of shouting. Perhaps you could try a star system for dressing/doing teeth/or whatever, and they get 50 per star or something to spend on Saturday for each task they do on their own?

Basically you just need strategies in your back pocket, because knowing you have somewhere to go other than just screaming out your requests, keeps you calmer imo.