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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

how do I get dd1 to shut up about her blimmin' birthday?

49 replies

mrsshackleton · 15/01/2010 22:40

DD1 is five next month. She is a determined type, shall we say . She is fixated on getting bunk beds which is not going to happen because a) too expensive b) we don't need them, her sister has her own room and c) dd's room is plenty big enough for a camp bed when sleepovers start (hopefully a long way off)

However, every evening after she's in bed and much of the day when not at school she goes on and on and on about how she wants bunk beds. She screams, weeps, badgers, threatens and calls us back in her room continually to demand them

I am not giving in here, which means I will probably have to endure this for weeks and the birthday itself will be ruined when the bunks don't arrive.

But can anyone think of anything I can tell her to make her quite the moaning and screaning? I am very aware of what's going on in Haiti right now and it makes me so and that my child is behaving like a little emperor.

OP posts:

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Portofino · 16/01/2010 00:26

Maybe they are affordable but her parents don't want bunk beds?

emkana · 16/01/2010 00:26

And this is where negotiation comes in - tell her if she really wants this so badly then something has to give - no birthday party? A smaller birthday party? No day out? Make her see what a big wish she is making, negotiate, see if she still wants it so much if she knows the price she has to pay for it.

emkana · 16/01/2010 00:28

Well if they really really REALLY can't abide the thought of getting bunk beds then negotiate/try a way to compromise with her.

Just not keen on the "that's the end of it because I SAID so" style

Portofino · 16/01/2010 00:28

Why would you negotiate with a 4 year old? Don't want bunk beds -end of! There should be no hopes got up etc. No bunk beds sorry.

Portofino · 16/01/2010 00:30

You should not have to compromise either in this situation....

emanka, so do your dcs have everything they want?

emkana · 16/01/2010 00:30

Well we will just have to agree to disagree there. I think it is very harsh to just say "end of". It's her birthday ffs! Aren't your children allowed to ask for things for their birthday? And isn't negotiation and compromise and learning that it's give and take something you'd want to teach your children?

emkana · 16/01/2010 00:33

Do you know, in a funny way I can say they do have everything they want. But then they don't want much, and they don't ask for outrageous things, and when they do ask for things that are not appropriate due to money/age/whatever then we - guess what - negotiate and compromise! But I can take them around town or around Toys R Us and they don't ask for anything, just not interested. On the other hand they get ridiculously excited over the chance of buying a 50 p handknitted purse at a Christmas Fair, so I gladly give them that.

hambler · 16/01/2010 00:35

Yes I am teaching my children that whining, crying, screaming are not acceptable ways of negotiating

Portofino · 16/01/2010 00:35

But the point is they can ask for something "reasonable" for their birthday, oh say a Barbie, cost 25 quid. Or they can ask for bunk beds, cost 200 quid.

Parents don't have 200 quid, and don't see the need for bunk beds. They get the Barbie instead.

It matters not how much a 4 yo WNATS the bunk beds. Not getting something, and not giving in to their every desire is NOT a bad thing.

emkana · 16/01/2010 00:37

I'd rather find a way in that scenario to get bunk beds somehow for £25 (freecycle, local paper, ebay) then to spend that amount on a rubbish little doll that will just end up at the bottom of a toy box. The bunk beds, on the other hand, will a/make the child very very very happy b/last

emkana · 16/01/2010 00:38

than not then

Portofino · 16/01/2010 00:38

OK so yours WANT a pony. You don't really want one, have nowhere to put it and can't really afford it. But they WANT it....

emkana · 16/01/2010 00:41

Obviously the wish has to be doable. But as the OP said there is the room, and as seeker has shown, it can be financed. So it's doable. A pony, on the other hand, is not doable.

If the OP just didn't have the room for bunk beds, so it wasn't doable, then again compromise/explanation/negotiation comes into it.

Portofino · 16/01/2010 00:43

Mrsshackleton said in the OP that she doesn;t WANT to buy bunk beds. Should her 4 yo dictate to her that she should?

emkana · 16/01/2010 00:43

But as I said before, my children don't ask for outragous things. At Christmas they had the Argos book in front of them and they leafed through it and then put it aside. And their Christmas list read like this (identical for dd1 and dd2)

"Dear FC, thank you for last year's presents. This year please could I have a cage for the guinea pigs, and maybe some surprises."

So I must be doing something right, even though I compromise and negotiate.

emkana · 16/01/2010 00:44

So she doesn't want bunk beds. Sit dd down then and talk about what you could do to her room that she would like and that would compensate for not getting the bunk beds.

defineme · 16/01/2010 00:45

If you are sticking to your guns then, as the mother of just turned 5 last week twins, I think she is well old enough to understand there will be no bunk beds and start to look forward to whatever there might be. Talk to her about it when she's not raging about it.

I think (I may be wrong) that some of the mums on this thread have a sn child like my ds1 who never wants anything ,so when a miracle happens and he sets his heart on something then I do my best to get it.

OP - what happens when you say no about other stuff? Does she usually moan/scream/demand- is this the real issue?

Portofino · 16/01/2010 00:47

Well my dd tore bits off every single page and made a 20 sheet collage of what she would like for Xmas. She got maybe 3 things from it. She was happy. Lesson is that you don't get everything you want.

Nemofish · 16/01/2010 00:50

I understand where you are coming from, OP.

My dsd (12) has asked for some pretty huge expensive things in her time (laptops, horses, tortioses, guitars etc). She gets a big lecture on how those things cost money and money doesn't grow on trees and so on, then by the week after mummy buys them for her. Me and dh are under huge pressure to provide horses and other stuff and tbh the money is not the issue, it's the fact that she expects that whatever she decides she wants, she will get. I think that's the danger, it's not so much the price tag.

seeker · 16/01/2010 07:02

Why are you so opposed to the idea of bunk beds, mrsshackleton?

Original poster

mrsshackleton · 16/01/2010 08:14

Gah, I wrote a long reply and the 'outer crashed - thanks for replies

I say why I don't want bunks in the OP. Expensive. She has a good bed that I don't want to randomly chuck out. DD is a monkey and will fall off the bunks all the time. All her friends with bunks share with siblings and need bunks, she doesn't need them and she ain't sharing with her sister because they have totally opposite sleep patterns and would both be exhausted wrecks within days.

I agree it's not unreasonable to have a birthday wish, In fact I have bought dd something she spotted in a catalogue before Xmas and went on about a lot. Now, of course, she has forgotten all about it - which says something about how long these obsessions last!

Also if she hadn't moaned and nagged so much I might be more inclined to look into a cheap option but I think if she does get bunks now she is going to learn that bullying gets you what you want.

As Nemofish says, in a few years she'll want laptops, phones, ponies. Dd is hard enough work aged four, I'd like her to learn a few lessons before she's 15 (God help me )

OP posts:

BumpMakesTwoAndABit · 16/01/2010 15:52

Have you asked WHY she wants bunk beds? If she's going on about them so much, there may be a reason. You might just think "big expensive bit of furniture with no purpose" but she might see it as play equipment (climbing frame, or wendy house, or some other ingenious use she's seen in a friend's house) or 'grown-up' (e.g. her friend was promised bunk beds for her 5th birthday when she's a 'big girl') or simply because she's lonely and thinks that bunk beds = friends/companionship - and that allowing her sister or a friend to sleep in her room for her birthday, or once every 6 weeks or something, might just work.

Might be worth talking to her... and you may find that you can give her something even better that she didn't realise she wanted, at less inconvenience to yourself!

I desperately wanted bunk beds when I was 4 too. I got them. I didn't realise they came with a younger brother attached

inthesticks · 16/01/2010 16:43

She screams, weeps, badgers, threatens and calls us back in her room continually to demand them .

I would never give a child what they want under those circumstances. What sort of message would it give her if you gave her what she demanded
When she is not mid- paddy I would quietly say that I will always say no when she demands something.And there will be no bunk beds.
If you give in to that what will you do when she wants a mobile phone for her 6th birthday?

defineme · 16/01/2010 18:54

mrsshackleton my 5 yr old dd is prone to shouting and demanding (despite being a sweetheart 90% of the time). I have slowly been getting through to her that this results in nothing happening. At the moment we have the usual wailing followed by the contrite polite request when she remembers-I'm hoping the initial wailing will disapear over time

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