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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I want a hug

11 replies

LovelyDear · 14/01/2010 23:05

My ds is now 10. He is mainly angry; at best, he smiles at me and acknowledges that he doesn't, at that moment, hate me. He has never hugged me, and always goes all brittle and stiff if i try to hug him. Kisses are right out. It's been like this as long as I can remember. Even if i launch a hug attack with dd, in fun, he just gets very very angry. He exhibits no other social-type disorder symptoms, and to the outside world he is lovely, bright, funny, gorgeous (I'm told). He just has no interest in PDAs. I feel, very selfishly, as though I'm totally missing out on the plus side of parenting. I just get the work and no love, no joy. Has anyone experienced this? Did it get better? Or do you just live with it for 18 years and then they leave home for ever?

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 14/01/2010 23:08

Aw, have a (hug). Any reason why he would be like this? early traumatic event? have you asked your GP about it at all? Can't really help otherwise without people accusing me of being all "woo" about stuff - get back to me if you want to know what I'm on about.

SimpleAsABC · 14/01/2010 23:09

((un - mn))

thumbwitch, you're certainly making me wonder!

Original poster

LovelyDear · 14/01/2010 23:17

woooo me, please thumbwitch! he was in SCBU when he was born, after traumatic birth and collapsed lungs if that's what you mean....

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 14/01/2010 23:27

aha - there was something. May I then suggest that you find an NLP therapist, not a life coach but one who uses NLP as therapy. I am a trained master practitioner but of no use to you as I am in Australia - but I can vouch for the power of it to heal unseen "scars" - one of the most amazing experiences I had was a session working on something (still don't know what exactly) that happened to me when I was pre-6mo. The only word that seems to fit is "abandonment" but the lovely feeling that came after the session stays with me still, and is one of my favourite memories when I am feeling down.

NLP is seen as a bit of joke by some, but I think it is amazing stuff - I lightheartedly call it "brainwashing" because it cleans your brain out of negative patterns/thoughts/experiences and replaces them with shiny new ones. And one of the best parts about it is that you don't really even need to talk about what happened (or even consciously know what it is) for healing to occur.

I am sure there are therapists who are experienced at working with children - you just need to find one.

If NLP therapy doesn't appeal or is too expensive, then you could try a cranial osteopath instead. Trauma often stays lodged in our tissues and nervous system (see, told you I was going to get all wooo on you) and may not release spontaneously, but a cranial osteopath will be able to help it work its way out. When DS was born, the end stage was quite fast and he came out not having cleared the mucus properly, plus he had a sort of unicorn bump on his forehead and one hand always up by his ear. Looked most uncomfy but I took him to a cranial osteo and she fixed him up. His cranial plates were compressed at the front and there was visible change after the sessions, plus he was always calmer after.

Hope you're not too woo-d out! And HTH.

Original poster

LovelyDear · 14/01/2010 23:33

thank you. i have benefited hugely from something similar (via a hypnotherapist), to help deal with my own anxiety levels, but hadn't thought to apply it to my ds. would he see the therapist? i don't want him thinking he's 'wrong' in any way....

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 14/01/2010 23:53

I don't know whether he would or not - it would probably depend on your approach.
Do you know why he is constantly angry/hateful? Has he ever been able to articulate it? It must be exhausting for him, let alone everyone else! His biochemical cascades must be on permanent overdrive.

It is tricky - but he's old enough to be able to understand that you are trying to help him have a happier life in himself. Try having a conversation with him first to see if there is anything he would like to improve about his outlook on life and then maybe lead in from there?

Original poster

LovelyDear · 15/01/2010 21:21

i feel as though i've over stated the case here, now. he's been perfectly pleasant to me all evening, and had a lovely playdate with his friend. he's watching tv very contentedly. i just know if i went to hug him, he'd shove me off and be very angry. i'll try talking to him. you are right.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 16/01/2010 00:09

let us know what the outcome is when you've talked to him - it would be interesting to hear. Hope it goes well!

Original poster

LovelyDear · 16/01/2010 00:45

i talked. his body language was subtle - he tried to crawl under the sofa (ostensibly looking for something). he just said he felt embarrassed, and didn't want me to show i loved him at all. hmm. i'll try again when we're in a laughing mood sometime....

OP posts:

mummysgoingmad · 16/01/2010 00:50

some people just don't like to be touched! my brothers like this so is my SIL if you even considered hugging them they would jump out the nearest window.

thumbwitch · 16/01/2010 00:53

that makes sense for the age he is now, but not for when he was tiny - perhaps he has just "normalised"? Dunno.

Anyway, yes, give it a go when he's in a more upbeat mood - ask why he thinks it is bad/embarrassing to show someone that you love them - you'll be doing him a massive favour (and any future gfs of his) to work that one out early!

Does he let you tickle him btw?

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