Please help, 5 year old DS is out of control (long)

[adriennemole]

I really need some advice on who to talk to about my DS (5) as his difficult behaviour is starting to affect the whole family.

He has always been hard work both as a baby and toddler (very emotional child loads of energy and lots of tantrums) and hoped that school would help calm things down but it hasn't if anything it's worse.

As far as school goes he is well behaved and the teachers have always been very positive about him and his progress. He plays well with the other children although he has loads of energy (this has been commented on) and enjoys the usual games played by most boys. But at home he bouncing off the Walls scraming, shouting, roaring and constantly fighting with his sister (8). He is very demanding, overbearing and controls the whole family so that I dread weekends as I don't feel we can do anything together because of his behaviour If things don't go his way he had huge tantrums and kicks doors, Walls etc and screams the place down.

I've tried ignoring but the fighting with DD has resulted in injury, I've tried time out, counting, taking toys away, sticker charts, bribes etc since he was a toddler but nothing seems to work. We've also cut things out of his diet and spoke to the teacher about possible ADHD but it is unlikely as he is fine at school.

I don't feel I can take much more I also have a younger DS who has SN (though doesn't need more attention than
any other 1 year old and isn't demanding at all) and my poor DD is struggling at school (settling in to juniors) and has told us she is feeling ignored at the moment which is heartbreaking.

Who do I need to speak to about this and does anyone have any other advice? If anyone is kind enough to reply I might not be able to respond until this evening as I'm seeing the teacher again and it's normally chaos until bedtime.

Oh my it sounds like your having a terrible time. Have you tried the naughty step? getting him a hobby ie. football, karate something for him to do at the weekend and possibly something for week nights?
I don't mean to condesending but it could be something he's eating or drinking, like sweets or drinks full of the dreaded e numbers.
Do you get him to apologise to his sister when he hits her?

Sad but true is the old mumsnet belief that they're worst with those they love, but I think it's pretty normal for a five year old boy tbh. School hits them with so many rules/ boundaries, that when they're out they challenge what they can, which is home and the family. I think all you can do is to stay calm and be consistent. When he's in a good mood and you're getting on sit him down with some biscuits or something nice and in as gentle but firm a way as possible get him to agree it's not on. Tell him if/ when he does whatever (make it clear, so fighting is obvious, choose a couple of things) then there will be consequences, just like there would be if he behaved that way at school. Tell him what they will be - being sent to his room maybe? Make sure he understands and agrees that the behaviour is unacceptable. Then follow through, trying not to lose it in the process - that's the really hard part . Might be worth adding a treat if he's good for a week too.

Don't rule out ADHD just because he is fine at school, he may be using so much energy in order to be good at school that once he gets home it all comes pouring out.

He will grow uot of it, if that is any consolation!

Are you giving him something to eat as soon as he gets out of school (low blood sugar can cause bad behaviour).

Do you know what methods school use to control behaviour? Do they use something like the traffic light system or a happy/sad board that you can continue at home?

What are you doing on the weekends? Can you do swimming on a sat morning or something similar to wear off the energy and then maybe a trip to the park on sunday mornings. If necessary can one parent take 2 youngest to these (or one of these) and the other spend one on one time with your older dd.

How is he sleeping? And what time does he go to bed? Do he and dd have different bed times?

Also - how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk can help break behaviour cycle.

And also they have done another one on sibling rivalry which is good if you are having problems between siblings.

Thankyou so much for your advice and raising some points that I hadn't thought about.

MGM He does do football at the weekend which he loves I might try and look for something for week nights. We have cut down on the E numbers and bad stuff but might look in to his diet again.

Smee Thanks for mentioning about testing boundries etc hadn't thought about that and we are going to try a new reward system.

overmydeadbody After speaking with the teacher today we are meeting with a behavioural specialist at the school so maybe she can give us more suggestions.

TheArmadillo They do use the traffic lights at school so am going to follow this at home. Funny you mentioned blood sugar as this is one of the first things I thought of when he was little so I always keep him topped up with (healthy!) snacks.

Basically the school were great (even when I burst in to tears ) the teacher is going to work with me and reward at school for good behaviour at home and has suggested some good ideas such as family house rules and losing time doing a favourite thing (in his case wii) as opposed to a toy which I think he will respond to better.

Going to give it a go and try to be consistent it has beeen hard to get to this point and I guess I buried my head in the sand but in the end I just ran out of solutions. I'm feeling a lot more positive now so thank you again

Interested to read your message as we seem to be suffering with very similar problems with our 5 year old son who started school in Sept. At school he is doing really well, is behaved and bright. At home behaviour has got gradually worse over about the last month or so leaving us unsure how he will react to anything. This morning I just went to say good morning and got hurled with abuse and a toy thrown at me. He is a nightmare to get out the door in the morning and cross virtually as soon as we leave the school gates. I am struggling to get him to do very much. It is like a switch is flicked on and off at the school gate. Very strange and as you've explained tiring and upsetting - he told me today he was glad I was upset! Not sure if it's jealousy at not having time at home now. Am hoping it is just settling in to school but would be interested to know if you find anything that works!

mehB honestly it's school - I had the same thing with DS last year (he's yr1 now). As did a friend with her son. DS's loads better now, but he still gets tired and stroppy sometimes. Keep smiling if you can as it will pass...

Today not as bad as yesterday. Good to hear there's quite a few of us in the same boat! Seems to be boys, other parents at school have said similar and said it's even worse when they get to year 6!!!

Adriennemole - hope this weekend is better, but hope it helps to know it's not just your son!! Hopefully a passing phase for them all.

My DS is similar. Think it's a reaction to school, and also they are so tired, that just makes them stroppy.

If you can, just let him flake out in front of tv, with lego or something, and just chill out when not at school. I would try to not pack them out with weekend activities, and keep the early bedtimes on Saturday and Sundays.

For us Friday nights are the worst - in bed as early as possible!!