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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Neighbours leave 3 yr old DS to cry in the night, any advice?

81 replies

Ithaca · 12/01/2010 20:50

Teraced houses, we hear neighbours' 3 year old DS crying - and by crying I mean screaming out mummy/daddy/mummy i just want you to talk to me/i just want my milk, running around the room bashing into things. This happens pretty much every night and he has been left crying in the night for well over a year, happens about 2/3a.m. and wakes us up, several times a week at bedtime too. Very occasionally we hear neighbours go in and tell him to be quiet but that makes no difference.

We have a 9 month old who wakes up a few times in the night, not crying unless she has a blocked a nose, but DP usually sleeps in the spare room anyway - room next to neighbours' DS - in order to get sleep as he goes to work /gets up early with our baby, but gets woken up by next door, as do I when I've slept in there because ill.

From passing conversations, neighbours know we can hear it, their attitude has been "oh that's just DS" or say how DS has been difficult this past few months. They have another baby a couple of months old now too.

The thing is, not only is the extra lack of sleep making us increasingly annoyed, having our own baby has made us even more upset to hear this poor little boy crying like this so much and just being left. He cries several times during the day too, what I guess you would call terrible twos type stuff though I don't know about that.

I have offered to have him round here to play any time, since they had second child, to give them a break, so far not taken up on that. DP and I have talked it over a lot and can't think of anything we could say that would make them change their tactics, even though has been going on so long it obviously not worked. So is the best we can do just say "the noise is disturbing us please can you try to keep it down"? Any advice on this would be great.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Undercovamutha · 14/01/2010 20:32

Oh god - every time i read one of these threads about shouting nighbours with screaming children, it just exacerbates the shame I feel whenever I see my neighbours!

I'm sure they hear my DD (3) screaming many many times a day (and night sometimes). And even worse, DH and I shouting at her like crazy people . 3 year olds have a special ability to push your buttons and drive you round the bend. Babies are a piece of cake in comparison!

What do you expect your neighbours to do about it? I'm not sure what I would do if I were them. They are probably at the end of their tether - especially if it had been going on for a year.

expatinscotland · 14/01/2010 20:33

I hate other peoples' noise. I truly do. What's worse, our current downstairs neighbour is on the run from gangs and the police, and every now and again, we get awakened at 3AM by someone trying to kick in or kicking in the door of his flat.

But he used to blast his music all night, nearly every night.

I've had neigbhours who rowed constantly, blasted music, used the place as a meth lab, had dogs who yapped night and day, you name it.

And I'm convinced, the only way to get relief from noise at night is to live in a detached house, preferably an isolated one.

reikizen · 14/01/2010 20:34

I don't think a 3 year old crying for 30 mins at a time every single night is normal behaviour if I'm honest. And I agree with the OP, that their strategy obviously isn't working, and the child has not learned to sleep through the night. I would be very distressed if I could hear a child breaking their heart (or so it seems) every night, and I do have 2 children who are frequent night wakers. I would certainly leave my 3 year old to cry for a while on occasion, but every single night?
But, as for what you can do about it? Probably nothing tbh. And I don't think you should feel bad for posting, I'd be upset and annoyed about it if I were in your situation.

wubblybubbly · 14/01/2010 20:40

What is the little boy like the rest of the time, does he seem happy, confident, outgoing?

If it is night terrors, then it's quite possible that he will wake up crying every night and be very difficult to console and 20 - 30 minutes doesn't sound unreasonable.

Just because you can't hear the parents doesn't mean they're not there hushing and holding him or simply watching over him to make sure he's okay.

It sounds less like toddler tantrums I think. Our DS is also 3 and goes through stages where he might shout and scream for us. We don't ignore him, we go up to him and put him back to bed and leave again. We do this every 5, 10, 15 minutes, but there have been instances where it's taken an hour for him to settle. However, IME that does tend to improve over a few days or so until he settles himself again.

If he seems happy in himself and well cared for then I think you've really got to just let them get on with it.

The noise is no doubt very frustrating, but I don't see what you can expect them to do about it. It's the curse of a terraced house. I used to live in a first floor flat and couldn't get to sleep because of the noise of the fella downstairs snoring, but what can you do?

DorotheaPlenticlew · 14/01/2010 20:43

But that's the thing, how does anyone know that the "strategy" being used is simply to ignore the child? It could well be that someone is in there with him, if not every time, at least sometimes.

Clearly it is a chronic thing if it is truly every night at this level, and has genuinely been going on like this for a whole year (as opposed to just seeming that way, which would be quite understandable). I would suggest, though, that it is a bit of a leap to assume that what lies behind it is the parents not bothering to address it at all. Unless of course there are other reasons to suspect neglect, but it doesn't really sound that way tbh.

Oblomov · 14/01/2010 20:50

I am shocked at Op and others who do not think this is normal. 20-30 mins of crying that is. many crying/sleeping techniques advice the parents not to intervene and to let the child cry it out. that is not for me , i have this strange thing where i hate for either of my boys to cry for more than one millisecond. but actaully i do not object to cc at all. if it sits fine with you, no problem to me.
we do not all parent the same you know !!
and those that object to shouting.
you all live on a different planet to me. I do not think that shouting is good parenting. but my god i have done alot of it in the last 1.5 years. i try constantly to do it less. those that object to someone choosing to shout at their children ? what gives you the right to decide how someone else parents.

honesty, you all beggar belief.

Babieseverywhere · 14/01/2010 21:08

I would offer to adopt him I could not listen to a child cry every night for a year

BadGardener · 14/01/2010 21:10

But BabiesEverywhere, what if you are holding him and rocking him and soothing him and he is still crying?
We don't know that's not what's happening....

DorotheaPlenticlew · 14/01/2010 21:13

at "offer to adopt him"

I know you're only making a point but that is quite a silly thing to say and I'm sure won't help any parents at wits' end who would give anything to be able to make their child stop crying at night ...

If you are so sure it would never happen if he was yours, do tell me your secret and I'll try it on our DS! I hate listening to him cry, hate it. Implying that the parents must not be that bothered and must just be ignoring him is not very helpful at all ...

ShinyAndNew · 14/01/2010 21:19

If someone had offered to adopt dd1 when she was going through this phase I'd have punched them. Seriously, I would have caused them physical damage.

It was bad enough my neighbours gossiping about how she was 'obviously neglected'.

Lizzylou · 14/01/2010 21:21

Op, my 3 year old DS2 woke last night from a Night Terror, at 3am, even when I was in with him cuddling him, he cried for a good 10mins more.
They may well be in with him trying to placate him for some of the time, if they are not then really, after a year of this, they are probably worn down with it all!
I understand how distressing/inconvenient it must be for you though.

DS2 is also a demon for having massive tantrums (and he is almost 4), thankfully they are lessening but he does repeat ad bloody nauseum "I just want to talk to you", when I am stood right next to him, listening to him. I do often wonder what the neighbours think and thank the lord that we are detached.

Do they seem like attentive parents in the main? Is there anything else about their parenting that worries you? If not, then I think it could just be a demanding toddler and two very tired parents.

EdgarAllenSnow · 14/01/2010 21:24

you simply don't know what's going on..

so put your judgy pants back in the wardrobe, and get the ear plugs out.

spanna74 · 14/01/2010 21:31

you can only hear one side of it like other people have said so you don't have the whole story so i don't think you can do anything.

our DD2 wakes 4/5 times a night screaming even when we are cuddling her (and we have been co-sleeping too) and i know our neighbours can hear (i used to be able to hear when he had a fairly vocal girlfriend...) took them some wine round at christmas to say sorry, drink this to help you get a good night's sleep but when they opened the door and the smell of weed hit me i realised they probably get a good night's sleep already and don't hear a thing...sorry i digress

Original poster

Ithaca · 14/01/2010 21:35

Well that's me told!

Funny how so many people think misbehaving toddlers who cry every day several times a day and at night is the norm. I'm in the camp that doesn't think that, hence my reaction in this situation. And to those of you saying I know nothing as I have only a baby and just wait and see, I do know quite a few other young children.

Just to say, we know when the parents are in there as we hear them go in, we know they're not otherwise as they have said that they don't stay with him.

I find it sad and dispiriting to hear it going on and it really has been for well over a year as I remember listening to him when I was in bed with flu in Autumn 2008 and that wasn't the first time. I know I basically can't do anything about it, was just good to have a discussion here for a bit. This isn't a case of neglect, especially now I know many people think treating toddlers like this is normal (explains why there are so many shrinks in the world).

OP posts:

Original poster

Ithaca · 14/01/2010 21:39

Oh and it's def not night terrors, which some of you have been talking about. When there is attention, door opens, Mum says "Get back in bed, I'm closing the door". Different scenario to night terrors.

OP posts:

DreamsInBinary · 14/01/2010 21:39

BadGardener · 14/01/2010 21:47

pmsl @ toddlers crying several times a day not being the norm....

cloudedyellow · 14/01/2010 21:47

Ithaca, how I agree with your last post. And not only are you constantly disturbed, but you have the stress of worrying about this little boy.

Expat, Yes, that's why the upper classes live in huge houses at the end of a drive

jamaisjedors · 14/01/2010 21:49

I'm torn on this one.

I'm not of the school of 'cry it out' or whatever and do think that this is a bit wierd if it's EVERY night for a year, really, without any input from the parents.

On the other hand, if you had heard DS2 the other night screaming "i want a cuddle" for about an hour, while I did 'rapid return' (after several cuddles at bedtime) with him, you might have thought he was neglected.

Especially when after an hour of it I roared at him "just get back into bed, I don't want to see you anymore" ...

I do think you are tempting fate a bit talking about toddlers crying several times a day NOT being a norm - now where is that thread about reasons for toddler tantrums?..

DorotheaPlenticlew · 14/01/2010 21:49

OP, what a shitty way to reply to people who have taken the time to respond to you. Wish I hadn't bothered. I am concerned enough about ds's sleep without this bullshit about shrinks being chucked in my face by someone who 'knows several young children'. If you can't tell from posts here that many people with similar problems are good, concerned and proactive parents, you're being thick as well as arrogant.

Oblomov · 14/01/2010 21:51

"Funny how so many people think misbehaving toddlers who cry every day several times a day and at night is the norm. I'm in the camp that doesn't think that,", says Op.
Well yes, crying babies toddlers, children, IS NORMAL.
some babies don't cry a lot. some children are good most of the time. other babies cry alot. some children are a real struggle.

Op do you not know that ???
You seem a bit......naieve ??

ChilloSTOPFOLLOWINGMEhippi · 14/01/2010 21:52

OK so I've got a good one. But, yes, I would be furious. I can't stand being woken by noise at night.

Lizzylou · 14/01/2010 21:54

I don't let my DS2 cry it out (nor my DS1 if he wakes), but it could sound like it.
They may be hugging him and gently saying "Ssssh", would you hear that?

I don't know, we can't see in side their house to see exactly what is going on, nor can you and you may think you can hear everything, but maybe you can't?

jamaisjedors · 14/01/2010 21:54

toddler tantrums

expatinscotland · 14/01/2010 22:10

Toddlers cry several times a day.

It is quite normal.

If they can speak, they usually can't express themselves the same way an adult or older child can.

They have a lot of emotions and are hormonal.

So, yep, many of them cry.

I have two daughters, ages 6 and 4. They can be downright drama queens at times, sometimes turning on the waterworks several times in a bad day.

You're very ignorant for having such a wealth of experience as you claim.

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