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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3 yr old won't play by himself - Am i asking too much?

13 replies

madamefreckle · 11/01/2010 21:37

Does your child/children play by him/herself at home? I'm going nuts as ds will not get on with anything without me being involved. If i set something up for him and play together, he will play well but if i pop into the kitchen to finish the washing up or go to the loo or whatever, he stops what he's doing and either follows me around or just sits and sucks his thumb mindlessly.

I have got to the point of not allowing any TV in an attempt to get him interested in his toys again but it's not working yet, (he only used to have up to an hour a day). It really bugs me that he's just had so many lovely things for Christmas and just doesn't show particular interest in any of them! Should he be able to amuse himself a bit more by this age?

The type of play he prefers is imaginary stuff where he insists that he is a rabbit/ builder/ snow-plough for hours on end but he just will not do this by himself. It's a constant barage of 'Mummy, say well done snow plough...Mummy you're the tractor, say come over here snow plough....' etc etc. Seems quite amusing when i think about it but it's driving me a bit mad!

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AlpenCrazy · 11/01/2010 21:48

is he first child? they are often like this. friends round to play works well for me.

elliott · 11/01/2010 21:52

I think its personality rather than birth position related. Ds1 would play by himself very happily (and still does) whereas ds2 is much more sociable nad needs company to bounce off. i spent a long time fruitlessly trying to set ds2 up with the same kind of activities that would engage ds1 for hours! now I realise that it is just that ds2 is an extrovert and ds1 introvert. ds2 is now much better at focusing on a task and getting on with it by himself, but will always want to be with and around people and tell you exactly what he is doing!

Original poster

madamefreckle · 11/01/2010 21:55

Yes, he is first child - second on the way (hoping this might help?)

elliott - what you say about extrovert/introvert is interesting.

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AlpenCrazy · 11/01/2010 21:57

fair point well made.

maxybrown · 11/01/2010 22:33

Hmmm, I do think it is personality and development. My DS is definitley not an introvert, but he is very independant. He is 2.3 and loves company but also loves to play on his own, and has fantastic imagination, has done this for a long time. For him the TV doesn't make much diff. He can happily have it on and still play or music. Mostly he sets things up himself and tells me what's happening, I rarely have to start him off, but he is prob an extreme for his age! Some children just need a bit more, my child will be leaving home at 5 when he no longer needs me for anything at all
I'm not mean, it's just the way he is!

Oh he is first and only child too.

AlpenCrazy · 12/01/2010 10:30

i ask about whether he's first as my elder DS is like this and my younger DD isn't. they are both extroverts and get their energy from interacting with others but my DD happily plays by herself too. My DS didn't until he was about 5 years and now does sometimes but would always prefer I was involved. in my case i think this is partly his personality but also partly because I had those precious few years at the beginning with him on my own and I did play with him more than I did my DD as I had the time to, so this became what he was used to and liked. i notice similar patterns with a lot of my friends but obviously it does depend on their inherent characteristics

kreecherlivesupstairs · 12/01/2010 12:00

My dd who is now 8.7 doesn't and has never played on her own. Luckily now she just reads. Incessantly. I did briefly wonder if it was because she is an only so either me or Mr K were her playmates of choice, but it seems that she really doesn't like to be on her own. She doesn't lack imagination or friends and is really sociable.

llynnnn · 12/01/2010 21:56

I was just going to start the exact same post! my dd is 3.6 and has so many lovely toys of all types but will not play with them on her own! It drives me crazy! She has to have me there at her side and also, just like op, if I pop to the kitchen etc she follows me!
I also have a 7mth old and it would really help if she would play on her own for a short time!

Any tips on how to encourage her to do this?

minxofmancunia · 12/01/2010 22:16

My dd is 3.5 and still struggles with this although she's getting better. I've kind of forced her tbh, she wantsa company and interaction all the time and I just can't provide this for her as I'm a quiet person who loves being alone and having their own spcae, what a clash! Being a parent to a child who's so opposite to me has nearly caused me to have a breakdown! When I was a child I played for hours on my own happily from a v young age and anticipated she would too....how wrong I was.

she has dhs personality, constant chatting and doing stuff TOGETHER, drives me mad!!! Although I love her dearly I've had to train her to do things by herself and tnh ave never really played lots with her despite her protestations as when i did i found the more I did it the more she craved/expected it rather than satisfying her need for company. She will now play with stuff if i start her off...and i can read/go on the computer as long as I'm in the same room as her. I.e all her toys are in the dining room so rather than sit in the living room and get exasperated that she's not playing with all her new toys i go in there and suggest she plays with her farm etc. and she gets on with it.

She has a brilliant imagination and plays amzingly with her friends just doesn't like being alone..still hard work though, good luck!

morethan2point4 · 12/01/2010 22:23

Not really adding any answers but my 3 and half year old is exactly the same...I've been a princess in his castle for an hour, and fed baby dragons for a further forty minutes. Trying hard to enjoy but its hard (as there's so much else I need to be doing!) What makes it harder is that after all that time and attention I do expect him to play whilst I make tea, but no, he's there to 'help'(why doesn't it work like that??)! And he's DS number 4, not an only child or first child, but one of four boys. I do wonder if he's used to having them around to play and we never appreciated their role in each others amusement (even if it does include some bickering!)and we do remember DS1 being just as difficult to engage in 'play' and he's now considered 'gifted and talented', so maybe DS4 will be.... Have succeeded today in engaging him with some cbeebies games on the laptop whilst I did some jobs in the same room. And thankfully brothers then home to fight dragons and defend the castle!

Will watch this post with interest....!

AlpenCrazy · 12/01/2010 22:47

an hour and 40 doing role play with your 4th child u r a saint

CirrhosisByTheSea · 12/01/2010 22:53

I think it doesn't matter if they 'should' be able to play alone by this age - even if everyone was to reply "oh yes they should be playing alone at this age", if your DS can't do it then he can't do it! I found that it was only on starting school at 4 that my ds gained some playing alone skills.

He seemed to crave a bit of time to chill out after the hectic pace of school and also I think the independence they gain at school helps them to learn to rely on themselves a bit more.

Reminds me of me actually, I remember my dad saying to me (you have to imagine a bespectacled, tweed suited 'distant' type father) "Me, play with you? Don't be silly, child, have you no internal resources?" Maybe I should have tried this with ds!!! Our parents generation were perhaps less eager to please than we are thus it didn't enter their heads as a problem, just something to 'squash' so they could get on and read the paper!!

Original poster

madamefreckle · 12/01/2010 23:26

Love your dad's angle on it Cirrhosis! I'll try it and report back!

Morethan2point4 - That is pretty impressive play you were doing there! This afternoon I had a very interesting and detailed 'flight' with all soft toys to a distant land where we entered a volcano but were ok thanks to our heat-proof suits then we all did much swimming in the sea (as we were penguins, obviously).

Still haven't turned the TV on at all (pats self on back). Have realised though that perhaps my problem is that we don't really spend much time in the house. Even from when he was tiny, i'd take him out for much of the morning and then again in the afternoon (on walks, to friends, shopping etc etc) so i suppose he didn't really have much opportunity to play at home.

MinxofMancunia - I really feel for you. I feel like that a lot of the time although I never thought of myself as quiet, I do like a bit of 'head space' which ds will never allow me. He doesn't stop talking from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. I should be pleased that his language skills are so good but frankly it drives me quite berserk.

llynnnn Good luck with your little socialite! I really hope others are right in saying that starting school might help their independent play.

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