DS (3 years 5 months) screaming and hitting

[iwouldgoouttonight]

We thought we'd escaped the 'terrible twos' but we seem to be having terrible threes! Everything seems to be a battle with DS at the minute, from getting dressed in the morning to having a bath in the evening - each thing involves a screaming tantrum as he says he doesn't want to do it, he wants to carry on playing.

The other day we were in a cafe and he refused to eat his lunch, wet himself three times, and as we were about the leave dropped his toy on the floor and shouted 'pick it up mummy'. I said as I was holding DD could he pick it up as he'd dropped it. He just started screaming and screaming and everyone was staring at us. I didn't want to back down because I didn't want him to think that if he screams he'll get what he wants so I said we're going now so if you want your toy you pick it up as mummy has her hands full, otherwise we'll leave it here. But that just resulted in more screaming! So in the end I had to carry both him and DD outside, where he then refused to walk so did a lot more screaming!

I'm sure some it is to do with DD - he's much better when he's on his own with me or DP, but she's nearly one now so its not as though he's still adjusting to a newborn. And he is constantly hugging her and saying how lovely she is (although obviously won't share any toys with her!)

It is normal for a three year old to behave like this? I was hoping this phase would have passed by now. He's still not properly toilet trained either - if we don't notice his wriggling his legs and needing to go he'll wet himself. But if you ask him he'll say he doesn't need to go and kicks up a fuss.

Any ideas? I can't decide whether we're not giving him enough attention, or if we're going the opposite way and letting him control us and get away with too much.

Oh sweetheart! You poor thing and I've seen another post asking about your other child who hasn't slept for 2 nights! Getting it from all directions bless you!

I tend to tell my LO when she throws an almighty tantrum "that won't work my friend" and walk away. As long as she is safe, I just walk away and say that I am leaving the room and that she can come and find me when feeling better. The truth is I try to keep an eye on her but make sure she's not aware (peek through hinge) I often find that once she realises I'm not taking any notice she gets up and stops shouting.

Afterwards I try to resolve it by saying "now that was silly making all that fuss come and say sorry and have a cuddle".

Obviously if out and about you cannot do that. I try distraction and if that doesn't work, I tend to abandon the trip and get home. Then when we got home I'd say you cannot play with "favourite toy" when we get home as you've misbehaved.

I think this is a controversial area and lots of people will have different ideas. I think as long as you and your partner/ husband agree and are consistent sooner or later it'll pass. You poor thing! Thinking of you and hoping someone else has some tips for you too x

I had the same problem with my 3-year-old after his brother was born. He missed having my undivided attention. With my son, the screaming and tantruming was extreme and timed for maximum effect. It all started when his baby brother was about 6 months -- he had started pre-school and was picking up some new behavior from the other children. Everyone tells you it's normal, but it can be very difficult to deal with in the moment, especially with a little one to carry about. I found timeout and the naughty step helpful because it gives the child something to focus on and lets you feel as though you are doing something about the behavior. I don't know how effective these things are in reality, but anything that helps gets you throught the next year can't be bad. The thing to keep in mind is that you love them and it will get better. By the time my son turned 4, he was back to the lovely boy we had started with. Good luck!

Some very similar behaviour here from my DS - same age no sibling to excuse him. As the other posters have said best to keep as calm as possible and ignore it. I think too though that its important to keep an eye on hunger thirst and tiredness because they aren't really up for monitoring things like that for themselves yet. For instance, DS has a pretty regular 6 o'clock tantrum (which usually stops when I say, oh, its the 6 o'clock tantrum) but also stops when I make sure he has a snack at 5.45. Good luck

My DS is 3.2 and Ds2 is 14 months, so a similar age range.

DS1's behaviour has got worse recently too, after being pretty angelic through the two's.

I find that counting to five when he doesn't want to do something often works, ie

Me: 'Time for your bath now, come upstairs with me please'

DS1: 'No' (cue Ds1 flings himself on the floor, kicks etc)

Me: 'Ok. I'm going to count to five and then I want you to walk up stairs. 1,2,3,4,5.'

DS1: (more often that not will walk up the stairs)

If he won't I say 'Right, I'm going to pick you up and carry you now'

Also, a variation on naughty step. He kicked off about getting dressed a while ago. After much thrashing about I pivked him up and put him on the sofa in the conservatory - next to the living room where DS2 and I were, but can't see the TV etc.

I said to him 'You stay there until you're ready to get dressed' and I asked him every couple of minutes if he was ready yet. After a few no's he said he was ready nad has been much better since.

I try to give him plenty of warning when we're going to do something, as this helps too.

None of it is foolproof and doesn't always work, but might be worth a try.

He also gets much more frustrated with his brother now that D2 is mobile and tries to nick his toys etc, so I seem to spend a lot of time refereeing their squabbles.

I'm sure it's just a phase..

Thanks for all your advice. We do use the naughty step - well its more a time out type thing where we put him in the hall and he normally calms himself down and then does what we'd asked him to. The problem is when we're out or like tonight at bathtime - he refused to sit down and started screaming and trying to hit me. We can't really use the naughty corner when he's undressed and half in the bath so I tried counting to three and said he must sit down after three. But he just carried on screaming and then I was stuck because I wasn't sure what had supposed to happen once I got to three!!

Sometimes if he's really crying and seems out of control a cuddle works - its as though he can't calm himself down and needs a bit of help because he's so frustrated. But other times if we attempt a cuddle he just hits out! Its so tiring!

He still has a nap in the afternoons some days because if he gets too tired it gets worse, but he doesn't seem refreshed after his nap, so he wakes up grumpy. I'm not sure if he's too old to be having a nap really.

Good to know it appears to be normal three year old behaviour. Although (and this sounds awful) I sometimes dread him waking up in the morning because I know the shouting and crying and being contrary will start all over again. Can't wait for him to get through this stage and be back to the lovely child he can be.