help! i have naughty kids!!!

[neekynoo]

hi ladies, i need help big time!!! my kids are 3and half and 2 and half, and they walk all over me. i love them dearly, but i am not gunna mask over the fact that they are badly behaved. i do use the naughty step, but i feel like they are constantly on it.
i know im not the only parent who has kids that act up, but somedays i am really pulling my hair out. i need supernanny!!! i know this is probably my fault, and that i havent been diciplining them correctly. i am being treated for depression, and i feel like im just going round in circles.
They fight amongst themselves physically and they are verbally not very nice to me. its alot of NO! and YOU DO IT! etc.
any advice is sooo welcome!!!!

You have your hands full with such close ages and depression.
Concentrate on the positive. Catch them being good and spend time with them and have fun. Ignore a lot of bad behaviour and they will get the message that good behaviour gets them attention. At the moment they are getting your attention in a negative way.

Its hard isn't it - I really feel for you. I think the way you feel is quite normal.

I find with mine, if I focus too much on the negative, it becomes self perpetuating. They expect to be told off so it comes as no surprise to them when they are.

As Pisces suggested, it helps if you can ignore a lot. Decide what is really important and stick to your guns on that but other things you can let go.

When mine squabble, I have a farily strict policy. If they don't come to me, I ignore it (unless anyone is hurt). If they involve me or anyone gets hurt, I treat them as equally responsible. Hurtor appolgises to hurtee and they both go to their rooms. I then decide in peace whilst having a cup of tea if anything further is required.

If they won't do as I ask, I avoid getting into an argument with them and simply go to their rooms with a big black bag and remove toys one by one until the request is complied with. Depending on the threat I issued, some toys are never returned and some have to be earned back.

thanks girlies, i will try all the tips you have suggested! i really appriciate it! xx

The best tactic I have found is to make a HUGE deal out of good behaviour - I mean BIG! I use my excited/amazed voice and lots of "Wow, that is just sooo fantastic that you did ..., you are sooo helpful, I appreciate that so much" etc. It makes them beam with pride! That combined with a sticker chart for good behaviour which earns a treat - like a trip to the park, worked a treat for me.

The title of this post made me a few tips I would say are:
1.Instead of negative re informant where possible try to be positive. Give specific praise for example I am so pleased X you were so kind helping put the toys away, this type of praise meens more to a child than simply saying good boy/girl.
2.Ignore where possible if you see 1 of your children is being silly and the other good give your attention to the one being good almost to the point of over praising the one being good as eventually the one being not so good will behave better.

1. If you see trouble brewing try distraction in the most excited voice possible "Oh my goodness me I have just seen a butterfly lets go and look for it" then go off and look yourself 9 times out of 10 your child will follow, look through the whole house then make something up like " I have just seen mr butterfly fly away" or you could try reading a story in a very excited voice or start playing with a toy in a fun looking way as this may make them start to watch you and start to want to join in with the play and this will distract them from perhaps arguing.
2. For physical violence then calm down time is required and needs to be enforced only as a last option. Your 2 year old should stay for 2 mins and your 3 year old for 3 mins. This needs to be clear no nonsense and no talking involved until after they have done the time. If they come off the step then they must go straight back.

Do not dispare it will get easier.

i will defo try all these tips, but i have to say the enthusiasm is so difficult for me at the moment. im not using it as an excuse, just being honest. thanks so much ladies!

Are you having your depression treated? You do need to look after yourself, otherwise as you say there is just nothing in the reserve tank for having the energy to deal with things.

I agree with others, You do need to ignore alot of the bad behaviour. This will help YOU because at the moment you are sabotaging yourself - using the naughty step so much that it means nothing to them, really. You need to claw that back as a strategy that you can use which actually helps you.

Try to remember that they are still so young - they WILL behave badly and drive you mad...they are toddlers! You need to deal with aggression, yes...but there will be alot you can either ignore, or approach in a far more lighthearted manner. You need to try to use a sense of humour with them. Don't lock horns with them all the time. Sometimes a little joke can defuse a situation that before you may have approached with your sucking-a-lemon-face!!!

Lots of good tips on here.

Do you get out with them much? My main tip both for the dc's behaviour and your depression (been there) is get out.

However you can for as long as you can. A walk round the block, bus ride, run around a secure park/field. Anything. I used to physically have to drag myself out of the door but it does benefit you all. Especially dcs your age it burns off some of that excess energy.

I know its hard when you are down to put a face on and be happy but children pick up on moods and will act opon it, if mum is happy then children will be happy as they will pick up on your vibe.

CirrhosisByTheSea- yeah ive been on pills for about 18 months now. ive had CBT also, i was feeling alot better, but since moveing 3 months ago it all seems to have gone down again.

aSilverLining- i do struggle to get out. i always do feel better after being out so i know it helps, but i just cant seem to do it alot. i know that sounds like im being lazy. trust me..it snot laziness. its like there are bricks in the way of the door sometimes.. but i will take onboard what you have said and i shall make more of an effort to get out.

thecloudhopper- a very valid point! even when i try and put a brave face on they seem to sense im not 100%. i do feel terribly guilty about it.

Dont beat yourself up. Children aged 3 & 2 are naughty, they are still learning. They change a lot when the get to 4 and go to school.

My kids aren't angels all the time and my OH is quite strict with them, I am not so strict I admit.

Getting out more is good advice.

Try not to get angry with the kids or yourself is probably the best advice I can give you. Praise what they do well and try and ignore the bad stuff. They are probably attention seeking and due to the age gap there is probably a lot of sibling rivalry (all natural), they will probablky still be fighting when they are in their 30s.

Take care of yourself.

TP x

neekynoo - Like I said, I have been there. Please don't feel bad! I know how hard everything seems when you are depressed. Be kind to yourself.

I agree with tikkapots too that they are at that age, does your eldest go to preschool?

well we just recently moved here 2 months ago, and so i didnt want to put them into nursery right away, because they were unsettled as it is. but they are starting next week. im really nervous about it coz i dont want the staff thinking im rubbish at discipline since they can be terrors. i think once they start and get into a routine with other ppl rather than just me things might ease off.

That's good it will give you a little break and them some time with other children asides from each other.

Don't be embarassed to mention to a member of staff that you feel the routine and discipline will help, explain you recently moved and are all still finding your feet. You could also ask them what they do to encourage good behaviour and how they handle bad behaviour, so that you are doing the same at home. Most people working with children are kind and understanding, you don't need to be nervous or worry what they think about you.

The close gap and depression makes it harder to deal with. Don't beat yourself up. Everyone thinks my kids are well behaved, but in fact they can be really really naughty and I sit wondering where I went wrong.

HOWEVER, I second what hte others have said. Concentrate on the good things - try really really hard to find them doing things that are good. If one won't come through for lunch make a huge fuss of how clever and good the other one is (to the good one, but in earshot) for doing what you have asked. Big kisses, hugs, mummy is so pleased with you.

I also have a sticker chart - I think the youngest might be too young, but possibly might still work. I give them a sticker when they do good things - and really big this up. And a sad face when they do something naughty. They always get a warning and a countdown 3,2,1 before I do the sad face though. And next morning I count wtih them how many they have of each for that day. If there are more happy stickers than sad faces, they get a treat. Can be anything - small toys, watching TV, a walk, sweets/cakes, an aactivity, visit someone, make something. As long as it is something they like - and it needn't cost money or clutter your house with tatt either!

Chin up, it will get a bit easier, my 5 year old is definately much easier than the younger ones to reason with.

Poor you. I had PND first time round and again this time. I've been on tablets since August. They have definitely helped me be steadier and cope on the really tired days but, like you, I still have days when it does all feel too much.

My 4 1/2 son has just started school so there should be a bit more time with my baby as I feel he's not had as much attention as he needs (another source of my anxiety!).

However, my mostly charming elder son is going through a stage of hitting. It was bad enough when he was hitting/going to hit us but now that has stopped, it seems he has turned his attention to other children. So far, they are isolated incidents but it is enough of a worry.... I am going to talk to the teacher today at home time and see how they tackle things there so we can try to be consistent. At his old nursery, when there were some problems, trying to mirror at home what they did at nursery in terms of discipline did seem to help (mostly) so I think that aSilverLining's suggestion to speak to nursery staff is a really good idea.

Also, as other mums have said, try to get out when you can. I know how hard it can be sometimes but whenever you can manage it. Being new to the area will make it harder for you but there must be some friendly mums out there somewhere.

Good luck. xx

girls... u have no idea how much u have helped me. just saying it to someone other that DH (who can be less than understanding sometimes...) has made me feel a bit better. i have taken on board all advice and i have to say it seems to be working so far.

Jolene2- i also feel like i havent spent enough time with my second. perhaps its a normal feeling to have..i dunno. but im sure they dont feel bad, since they have always had it that way.

PotPourri- I too had that reaction, that my kids were well behaved, but i think its since we moved that they have kind of been unhibited with their naughtiness.

thanks girls, i will keep u posted. xxxx

Teacher said that they have a smiley face and a grumpy face on the wall. Good behaviour means that the child's name gets put on the smiley face, bad behaviour on the grumpy face. They have two warnings for bad behaviour and on the third strike it's the time out/thinking chair...

However you tackle it, good luck!!

x

things have been going better since ive tried all ur tips. we have charts and im not using the naughty step half as much. which is a good thing!!! thanks so much girls xxx