Urgent Help needed DS upstairs breaking his heart over new baby

[SuziDee]

Had new baby DD yesterday, Grandma looked after DS but he wanted to know where I was... have spent pregnancy talking to DS about baby trying to do all the right things, DH took him out this morning then came to hospital to meet us
had present for DS etc. DS seems really scared by baby she is crying a lot and he seems to think that DD is hurting me when I feed her though I have assured him it doesn't

he is 2yrs 3 mos, ever since bedtime he has been wailing for me, when I go in he says no love you, me sad and he is really truly upset can't sleep I feel terrible what can I do to help him and me sort this out? I am also hormonally all over the place after a areally fast and bit traumatic labour still feel like a punching bag! I just want to make sure I do the right things for him

Just keep reassuring him and try to keep his normal routine. He will get over it

Congratulations btw

Can you get him to help you with the baby? Show him how much you love them both? Just lots and lots of cuddles. Can he 'feed' a doll, or toy - dinosaur, truck? Sounds bizarre but playing out these things can be really helpful. Drawing how he feels? Even if it's just squiggly lines. Just being with him and accepting how he's feeling.

I don't have any experience in this myself, but I'm sure some good tips will follow! This is probably quite normal and will change once he gets a bit more used to the baby.

Please don't panic. It has only been one day. Just keep telling your DS that you love him very much. I suspect you are feeling a bit hormonal too but things will calm down.

Good luck!

Just go in to him every 10 mins or so and say 'I love you' and 'time for sleep now'.

Just keep everything consistent - he is just testing the boundaries. It is a confusing time but he just wants to know that things haven't really changed.

So keep things as 'normal' as possible. If it were my DCs I wouldn't let them get out of bed. Once it's bedtime it's bedtime.

He will be fine.

Be calm. Give him reassurance, cuddles and time. He will be fine, it has all been a bit of a shock for him.

Thankyou so much everyone I think you have confirmed what I suspected! I think I am feeling a little overwhelmed.....and hormonal, I know he will understand eventually but guess I need to work on it over time... Thankyou again

Is there anything he really loves that you can do while feeding, say? DD loves stories, and I started offering to read to her every time I fed ds when he was first born - she thought it was magic, and said "he needs feeding" a lot...

Had ds3 in November, ds2 was 2yrs 3 months at time.

Came back from the hospital after 5 day stay to discover he had seemingly hit terrible 2s while I was gone.
Obviously he was just unsettled and have to say after 2 months ds2 is now used to ds3 and back to being his affectionate loving self to me - so hang in there!

Congratualtions on new baby!

There is 22 months between DS2 and DD. When DD was born, DS2's behaviour was really difficult to deal with.

He pulled all sorts of stunts just as I settled down to feed her, I found it very hard and did wonder why the hell I thought I could cope with another one!

They are now 4 and 5 and I was recently looking at newborn photos of DD with DS2 and I couldn't believe how young he looks. I said to DP - Oh DS2 was still only a baby really.

I think he just seemed so huge compared to newborn DD that i 'expected' more from him

So what I'm trying to say, very longwindedly, is follow the advice of lots of cuddles and hugs and reassurance that you've had on here. 'Help me change the nappy' made a difference here and really concentrating on putting DD down in the moses basket and doing something with DS2 rather than me always having DD and DP entertaining DS seemed to help too.

It passes and DD and DS2 are great friends now and I'm glad everyday that I had them close together (they keep each other occupied so I can get on with doing Important Stuff MN)

Awww, poor mite (him & you ) - can you or your partner sit with him whilst he goes to sleep? He's probably just disconcerted by everything & it WILL settle down. There are 2 years 1 mth between my two - & like BBMF I look at photos of ds when dd was born now & can't believe how little he looked. He is still such a baby really.

I was given one very good peice of advice by my dad (who lectures in child psych) - which is that toddlers don't always find little babies loveable - they scream, poo & vomit, and take your parents away from you - why would you love that? BUT they do nearly always find them interesting - they can't talk or walk, and make yellow poo - how cool is that?? One thing that really helped ds settle with dd (apart from the time he hit her on the head with a flan dish) was getting him to think she was funny - the idea that his silly sister might have done another yellow poo in her silly baby nappy would jolly him along no end, as would washing her because she couldn't even wash her own tummy yet.
I daresay it sets your second born up for a lifetime of being patronised and laughed at by your PFB, but then again, that's probably inevitable

Congratulations, btw

In addition to ddw's advice, I found the most useful tip was Penelope Leach's suggestion to not worry about getting the older child to like the baby but to focus on getting the older one to believe that the baby likes them, so this will easily follow. This helped lots with my dd when ds came along. She was quite unsettled in the evening for the first few weeks, though 7 months down the line they're the best of friends. Another thing that helped practically was to 'pretend' that we were putting the baby to bed just before her then sneak him downstairs so that she didn't feel like she was the only one stuck upstairs.
Congrats btw, and it will get better.

yy, agree with rosebud - lots of 'Oohhh, she's watching you again - she must really like her big brother! I bet she can't wait til she can play cars/eat spagetti like that etc etc"

I have 24 months between mine. Personally, I would buy the older one a stack of new toys. I know that sounds rather flippant, but it works well IME.

Congrats SuziDee. About 5 mins after ds1 (19mths) met dd1 he piped up "baby go back now". Within days he was madly in love with her and keen to help me, fetching nappies etc, he had a doll of his own with a buggy and he'd often care for his baby next to me.

It's a big shock for a little one, realising that they'll have to share you and they really do stress over feeding. When I had dc5 my dts were very concerned that he was "eating mummy" . Fit in some one to one time with him even if only for 5 mins when you can and if he does play up, try to ignore as much as you can, not easy when you're tired, hormonal and recovering from a traumatic birth I know.

god its a bit extreme isnt he? "me no love you"
how dramatic

Garrylous - my DD decided that she didn't love her Dad, her sister or her brother a couple of days ago - why? Because we'd gone out for a walk and she'd got very cold and fed up and somehow, it was their fault...

Suzi, my DH works away and my DS hate me every Sunday night at bedtime when DH says 'I'll see you next weekend', he won't kiss me goodnight or anything cos 'Daddy's going', so tonight, I'm a hated mummy too!

The advice here is good, just keep reassuring him, let him help you if he wants to and try and do something one to one with him, even just a quick story.
Could he sing to his new sister? A nice quiet song to help her sleep? Because she 'likes having a big brother to look after her', maybe?

It sounds a bit bonkers, but I used to pretend the new baby was speaking to them - eg hold the new baby up and then talk in a funny voice and say things like 'oh nooo, I have done a big poo in my nappy, I am a stinker' and just generally make the older kids laugh with the baby. I think it made a difference, maybe because it made the baby seem more like a real person? And it made us all laugh too which definifely wasn't a bad thing! (Maybe I watched Look Who's Talking too many times!)

I really feel for you SuziDee. My ds was born 10 weeks ago and my dd (then nearly 20 months)found it really hard in the first few days\week. She totally lost her sparkle and I felt very very sad that we'd seemingly removed her stability. She'd constantly point to the baby's carrycot in the corner of the room and say 'take it away'! However, 10 weeks on and she is completely back to normal and has been for a while. Just don't expect it to happen overnight, don't push them to accept this new interloper and continue to give them all the love you can while trying to keep their routine as normal as possible.

We think dd started to come around as soon as she realised that actually nothing had really changed in her little life. We continue to put her first if at all possible (leaving ds in his cot/bouncer and seeing to her first so she doesn't hear 'in a minute' from us constantly) and although we give her unlimited cuddles and reassurance we have remained consistent on rules and boundaries so that she feels secure.

A couple of things - don't rush your ds to engage with the new baby if he doesn't seem interested. Our dd totally ignored ds until a couple of weeks ago. Fine by us - it's not as if new babies are particularly interesting (at least not neccessarily to a toddler!). Slowly but surely, however, she's started to talk to him, kiss him goodnight (without us suggesting it), include him in the stories she tells, etc. It's lovely to see.

The other thing is don't be concerned if your ds rejects you. I was prepared for our dd to reject dp because they usually reject the one they can have in favour of the one they can't, don't they? Not in our case! Dd would have very little to do with me (going so far as refusing to cuddle me and one afternoon after being returned by the in-laws after a day with them, completely blanking me and calling for dp instead). It lasted about 5 days and left me feeling sick with despair. But, again, without pushing her to acknowledge me or insisting she cuddled me she gradually came round. I made sure we spent some quality time one-to-one and now our relationship is, if possible, better than ever.

Just give him time, love and consistency and he (and you!) will be absolutely fine.

Congrats, by the way!

Oh, and I heard a child psychologist compare the arrival of a sibling to your partner bringing home another woman and you being expected to not just get on with it but love them as well! You'd need a bit of time to get used to that, wouldn't you...?

OP haven't read all thread so apologies if repeating what others have said. I had my DS2 9 years ago and DS1 was 2.1. I remember him breaking his little heart upstairs exactly the same as your situation. All I can say is that you will feel it far more than your DS1 (even in years to come when you look back at that moment). I can reassure you that no long term harm and the 2 DC's will bond beautifully.
Enjoy your new DSX

Apologies just realised you had DD and not DS. That will teach me to read quickly

thanks all again, he did go to sleep in the end....shame dd didn't! And yes he is very dramatic.... don't know where he gets it from hmmmmm. He seemed a bit better this morning although he was knocking drinks on the carpet/sofa and being a bit vigorous with "patting" the baby but I hope he will be ok. Guess I just have to give it time and patience thanks so much to everyone that has been there and done that and as for you on DC5 yikes!

Ds1 (2y3m when dd was born) was also concerened that dd was eating me when she fed. So I hand-expressed a few drops of milk while he watched, to show him that she was drinking special mummy-milk. This fascinated him, and he asked lots of questions about whether he drank special mummy-milk from me when he was a baby, and whether daddy could make special daddy-milk, etc. I fudged a little, telling him that yes, he drank mummy-milk just like dd does now, even though he had in fact been mix-fed. I didn't think he needed to know that right now.

Ds1 asked if he could taste the mummy-milk, and I said he could, but he decided not to.

We also did the reading together while I fed dd. Ds held the book on a cushion in his lap, so that I had a hand free for dd and a hand free for ds.

Remember he is still very little, even though he seems so big and so capable compared with the baby.

One fantastic piece of advice that my wonderful HV gave us, and that I always regret not following, is that the baby needs milk and love but the toddler needs Mummy. Don't be tempted to let someone else look after ds to free you to concentrate on the baby. Once you've fed the baby, anybody can give her the affection and care she needs for a little while, but the toddler needs you. It's good for him to see you put the baby down from time to time to cuddle him.

BTW - congratulations!