Toddler self feeding help? A bit long, sorry

[WonderBundlesMommy]

Need ideas, I am so frustrated and not sure what to try next!

DS (19.5m) has always been a great self-feeder and we have left him to it. It has been messy but enjoyable for him and we don't mind the mess (put a clear shower curtain under his chair for easier cleanup though!) as he has always eaten well when feeding himself - much better than he did when spoon fed by us.

So over the holidays, my mother visited and insisted on feeding him with a spoon and playing all kinds of games with food. We didn't agree with this but DH convinced me that she sees him so rarely we should indulge her.

Since the holidays, DS absolutely refuses to feed himself anything. Even things he loves, even when hungry. He holds it out to me or DH to feed to him and melts down if we tell him to go ahead and eat it.

This is so odd for him that I even had him at the GP yesterday though he seemed totally healthy, which he is.

How do I deal with this behaviour? I have lived by the "he will eat if he's hungry" up to now but all day yesterday I KNOW he was hungry, and thought today he'd surely be ravenous, wrong. He is now sitting with his favourites - yogurt, a little quiche, and strawberries, looking at them and not eating.

Help?

can you give him a spoon and see if he uses that himself?

It is highly unlikely that a child will starve themselves. So make sure he's not filling himself up on drinks (especially milk). I don't know what your set up is for eating but if I was you, if you have a table and chair that he can get into by himself I would put the food on the table, and let him wander, and the opportunity to come back to the food (I would insist that he has to sit to actually eat, otherwise that's a whole new can of worms). Alternatively if he can't safely get to table on his own, make him a picnic on the floor put it to one side again i would insist that they sit down nicely next to food. but again he can think about whether he's going to eat it or not.
The one thing to keep in the back of your mind, 18 year old boys aren't sat there with their mummy's feeding them. So it will only be a stage, however frustrating at the moment, it won't be forever.

Thanks so much for the responses.

MrsBadger - he has been using a fork and spoon reasonably well for a while, though still messy. If I give them to him this week (which we have done since he was about 9m so he's very used to it), he just looks at them or tries to hand them to us to feed him. The first night he actually filled the fork and handed it to DH, but won't put it in his mouth anymore!

Baby01gem - he must eat sitting down in his chair, it is our only real rule about food...and I broke it yesterday and tried the picnic idea and he thought it was great right up until I wouldn't feed him.

He was definitely very hungry by supper (tea?) last night, kept saying "eat eat", but as soon as the food was set down, he tried to hand it to me and when I told him to go ahead and put it in his mouth, meltdown ensued.

I know he'd eat normally (in terms of volume) if I fed it to him. But should I really give into that when he's been feeding himself so well for so long?

I know he's only young, but you could try giving him a spoon, and occassionally feeding him, and effectively alternative mouthfuls, he does one you do one.
Do you eat at same time as him? It may make me sound like a terrible mother but the reason my 2 were young and quick in learning to feed themselves, because I was eating at the same time as them, I would give them a mouthful off their plate, leave the spoon/fork on the plate, and then feed myself, they got bored of waiting for the next mouthful to come from me so would pick up the spoon. Also think if you are eating yourself it dilutes the issue of there being a problem.
I would bet this will be a relatively short term issue, it will be rectified just in time for next visit from granny

My DD was BLWeaned and fed herself right up until this age when I returned to work and we employed a temporary nanny who decided to feed her with a spoon.
Like your DS, my DD kept wanting us to feed her too (handing us the spoon, etc.). In the end, I did feed her the first few mouthfuls and then encouraged her to feed herself. It took a while, but DD has now gone back to feeding herself (except when she's a little under the weather, she'll want us to feed her).

baby01gem - yes I eat with him, he used to use a spoon and fork no problem but now is refusing entirely - won't alternate with me either. You are so right that this won't be happening on granny's next visit!!!

Oh and the thought that he won't want me to spoon feed him at 18 years does help the perspective...thank you...

ToddlerYears - exactly....Guess that's what I'll have to do, but how did you get her to take over after you did a few mouthfuls? How long did it take for her to get back to feeding herself?

He just did it again at supper. Things I know he loves, and know he was hungry as he started asking to eat well before dinner. He even loaded up the spoon with his chicken but kept trying to hand it to DH or myself and became outraged when encouraged to feed himself....

WonderBundlesMommy - I just told my DD that she wasn't a baby anymore and that she should feed herself like Mummy was feeding herself. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't ... took a while, and would've probably taken longer if DD wasn't such a greedy guts.

These days, at 2.6 years, DD will on occasion still want me to feed her - she'll pass me the spoon and say she wants to be "Baby ToddlerYears", especially when she's ill or feeling very tired.

I'm sure your DS will get back on track

How about you put the food infront of him, make sure the radio is on and you chat to him while you put dishes away or something. So you're there but not 'there' enough to pass the spoon too. We had this and at his age he is perfectly able to understand you if you tell him that at dinner time he will be using the spoon and fork not mummy. I would say that and then just start chatting and doing something in the vicinity. I had no intention of feeding them.

Hope! There is hope! ToddlerYears - my DH was so relieved to hear that this has happened to someone else!

BiscuitStuffer that is essentially what I did today at lunch. Cried 'til he was purple, trying so hard to get me to take the fork. He ate exactly one noodle. One. After about 20 minutes I took it away, calmly....well, on the outside anyway.

So half an hour before supper he was starving. I sat down and calmly explained to him that he was hungry because he didn't eat his lunch and he should make sure he ate his supper all by himself so he wasn't hungry anymore. I also told him he'd need to use his big boy fork like Daddy.

At supper I sat the food in front of him and paid no attention. He ate: pulled pork, sweet potatoes, peas, cottage cheese, kiwi and blueberries!!! OMG! It was possibly his biggest meal ever. This is a battle of wills isn't it....

Just had a thought ... what about taking your ds to choose some new cutlery? DD loves using new cutlery.

Great idea! Will try this aft. He is always very interested in his cutlery... Thanks!