Help needed - 14 yr old twins uncontrollable...

[janeys2010]

I have one daughter of my own and 3 step children, 2 of which are twin girls who are in their early teens. They are with us on alternate weekends and during school holidays. They either get on like a house on fire or are at each others throats, literally. When they do get on they muck around so much that quite often it ends up in a fight or row. They've been with us this Christmas and have trashed a room and broken some ornaments due to them either fighting or just generally mucking around. I've tried talking to them (as has their dad) and have said that they should be setting an example to my daughter and also they should have more respect for us and the house which is their home part time. What can I do to instil some control and responsibility in them without becoming a permanently wicked stepmother. They are just the same apparently with their mother....

I think that you need to give more information. How old is your DC? How old is 3rd SDC? Do they get on?
I think that you need to do more than talk-lay down the rules in your house.

You and your DP need to show a united front on this one.
Clamp down on physical aggression in a big way - ground them or take away screen time, whatever affects them the most.
Draw up some house rules and sit ALL the children down to go through them - let them have their say, but don't negotiate on the major issues that you want to sort out.
The DTs mother may put up with their unacceptable behaviour, but there is no reason you should.

Drawing up the rules together, as DM says, is a good idea and then stick to them.

Take charge when they are around. One way to do that is to try to involve them in activities around the house, i.e. cooking, baking, looking after your daughter, going to the shops, etc. If possible, give them different tasks at the same time so they are both busy but doing different things. It they start to annoy each other, try to split them up without being obvious - maybe twin 1 could go shopping with her dad while twin 2 hangs out with you, or vice versa.

Twins drive each other nuts by being together all the time, but can find it hard to be apart as they'll always miss each other and competitively wonder if the other one's got the better deal. It's like being married from birth,passionate and complicated! Try to get to know them as individuals and find out what they like/what winds them up about their twin, then build on that to help them get on better.

Other than that, the normal rules of parenting should apply - i.e. set limits, enforce consequences - if they break something, make them fix it, if they hurt each other, make them explain why and apologise, etc etc. And show them that you like and appreciate them when they do something good, and that they can set positive examples for your little one.

Keep in mind that teenage girls really need their dads and that they are probably struggling with all kinds of difficult feelings deep down about not living with him all the time and being 'replaced' by a younger sister. That might be one explanation for why they act out at your house - to get a reaction out of him. So the more quality time he can spend with them when they're around, the easier it might make all your lives long term.

ID twins can have an intensely fierce love-hate relationship (she says speaking from much personal experience), so that bit doesn't surprise me at all. Rows constantly escalating to property damage nevertheless is unacceptable.

If they were toddlers behaving like this you wouldn't trust them to be left alone. I think you & your DH (united front) maybe have to revert to the level of supervision you would provide for 14 month olds, and pointedly tell them why. When they start to act more maturely, you will let them have more space from you both.

I think that the united front needs to extend beyond you and DH to include their mother if there is going to be any real impact and also to stop them resenting being at your house. The consequences for their actions need to be natural consequences which means that, if they break something they have to pay for it or contribute to the cost of replacement. If they cannot be left alone together then they do not get left alone together. If they cannot act their age then they should be treated appropriately (bed times, curfews, cinema, treats etc).

Alongside this, for it to work effectively, there also has to be consequences for positive behaviour so that when they are behaving respectfully and well they earn positive rewards like choosing dinner, extra pocket money, being given more responsibilities, having more say in negotiations etc. Consequences need to be verbal and attentional too so that they get more praise and positive attention when they behave positively and appropriately.

I would veer away from putting too much pressure on them about being a good example to your daughter as this may backfire. . It might help to talk them through some examples that you can give them of when good natured horseplay turns into a brawl. If they can see a pattern of this they may be more likely to accept adult intervention or distraction when one of you see things about to take a turn for the worst. If this does happen then they may be more likely to respond to diversionary tactics (like a grown up version of what you would do to a little one) such as asking one of them to go to the shop, help in the kitchen, look after the smaller kids, select a DVD, have some computer time etc than they would to a stern warning.

I can't stress enough though that this should, if possible, involve their mum and her partner (if there is one). That is a true united front and there will be much faster and continued success with consistency.

HTH

thank you! will try a few new things, unfortunately their mother doesn't speak to their father so a total united front won't work! but I've definitely been given some food for thought

Also try posting on the multiples board - I bet there are a few ladies on there who've been through the twin wars and could offer you a few good tips.