Friends Ds just bullies my Ds..... so sad...

[QueenFlounce]

Posted this under the 39-42 wk Check-up title, but thought I'd retitle it more appropriately:

My friends ds just had his 39-42 wk assessment with the HV. He wouldn't sit down for any length of time, or concentrate. He wouldn't copy what she drew either, he chose to draw David Beckham instead! However, the assessment ended with NO conclusive results for anything!

The HV has told her that he had a serious problem with lack of concentration and perhaps shouldn't start school in August 2006. My friend got really angry and defensive and is now refusing to go back for another assessment!

I really think he would benefit from this. He is a very disruptive boy and if he isn't centre of attention he gets worse. My ds is 6 mths older than him and my ds is really scared of him! He hits/nips/scratches my ds all the time and my ds spends most of the time in his company crying! She won't discipline him though... she just asks him Why he did and makes him say sorry. He just does it again and again though. And he fully admits everything he has done likehe's very proud of it.

It is breaking my heart to see my ds being bullied like this and wonder if this behaviour is actually a sign of an underlying problem that the 39-42wk assessment may uncover.

Sax if you watched your ds being hit for over 3yrs like mine had done, you would encourage yours ds to hit back. My ds has never hit out at any other child which I am proud of until the time I made him hit back. These 2 little boys are my friends sons who live in the same street and will do so for many years to come and I am not perpared to watch these little boys hit my ds for the next 10yrs!

Sax - I suppose the problem is that ds doesn't actually ask to play with him. His Mum visits me and her ds comes along... so ds isn't really given the choice. The scratching incident happened because my ds went upstairs on his own to play his playstation (to get away from her ds). Her ds just kept running upstairs, scratching him and running back down again. I really do think her ds would get a fright if my ds stood up for himself, but he's just so gentle.

Ultimately it is the mothers responsibility so queenflounce can you not tell your friend that its upsetting to see her ds hitting your ds and if there is nothing out of the ordinary then perhaps she could ask him more firmly to stop - but also perhaps she suggest there may be an underlying problem - ds1 use to lash out a lot at other peers - he doesn't know how to interact 'appropriately' but this is getting better with age and learning to know how to behave appropriately!

Sax - He doesn't listen to her at all. Oh I hate all this. DH is ready to tell her to never bring him round again.

Do you feel that she is in denial that there could be a genuine problem ? Does she only listen to those who reassure her , for example, and does he play her up otherwise. How on earth is she going to cope with a newborn as well if he reacts badly towarsd the baby.

Does she have other friends with kids, so that she could realise just how extreme and difficult his behaviour can be. It could well be the case that he is less of a problem at nursery because they do set him boundaries and rules.

Is she a really good friend? If so surely you have to openly discuss this with her and tell her either your concerns about adhd or you could say 'something else'!!!!! Would she listen to you???

She is SO defensive about him. She knows his behaviour is wild... but she just laughs it off.... embarassment I suspect.
Strangely enough he is fine with my dd(11mths) and always has been, so hopefully he'll be okay with the newborn.

Part of the problem is that outwith Nursery he plays with children who are a bit older and very rough.

Sax - I could never imply he had a condition!! Good GOD Nooooo! She'd go mad!

Would she have a go at you if you told her ds off if he was hitting your ds?

Would another approach be to talk about how to prepare your ds's for school next year -socially , practically etc. What if you offered to "help" her out by having her ds over for short, structured but heavily supervised playdates so she can rest or have time when baby arrives. That way you can instill your own discipline upon him. I wonder if once the rules are reset for your home environment, he may have more respect and become cooperative with your ds even when his mum is there too. Not for the fainthearted though ! If he really is SN I don't know whether it could even work.

Ignore what I just said, from the other point of view I wouldn't be too chuffed if someone else told my child off (this has happened) however, I'm strict with mine (although becasue he comes accross naughty other mums probably don't think so)!!! Not sure queenflounce, I would probably just suggest talking to your ds and tell him to remove himself from the boys company if he starts to get nasty or to come and tell the other boys mummy!!!

Thanks folks.

I think your idea LIZS is a fab one! I would LOVE the opportunity to give him boundaries without feeling as though I'm offending my friend. I think if he was given boundaries he would probably respond quite well. I think I'll suggest I watch him for an hour or 2 and let her go to the shops. She has a tough time with him out and about too..... she'll appreciate that. I have looked after him before and he was surprisingly easy to keep under control. He's not a bad lad, but when he's hurting my ds I get SOOOOOO angry I feel I could slap him! I never would though!!!

she quickly adds LOL!!!