Grandparents and displine

[pigleychez]

Just wondering how everyone deals with grandparents displining your children.

My parents regulary look after my neice (19mths) and Mum has openly spoke about smacking.
DH and have never smacked our DD (17mths) and never really intend to.

Have discussed our views with my mum and she agrees to abide by our wishes but you can see in her face she doesnt agree and has the odd digs about how we are too soft with DD (We arent just dont want to resort to smacking)

My parents are due to have DD when I go into Labour in May and now im abit concerned about leaving her for any amount of time.

Anyone else had experiences of how to deal with Grandparents displining there children? How did your resolve any differences?

Would be very interested to see any responses for this one myself! My parents are very much of the 'let them cry it out' belief, and are so critical and questionning of the approach that DH and I are taking. DS is almost 4 months, and has recently discovered the joy of hand-sucking/chewing/dragging anything into his mouth. My father spent the couple of days we were up with them over Christmas constantly removing DS's hand from his mouth, very lightly smacking the back of his hand and saying 'no thumb-sucking'

There's a suggestion that DS stays with my parents in a few months whilst I take DH away for his birthday treat but at the moment I couldn't even consider it as I am not sure that they would stick by our approach, despite any promises!

I believe that my dc have their own relationships with their grandparents which have little to do with me. So I tend to be 'anything goes' with respect my P's and PIL's handling of schedule, eating, thumb-sucking, bathing etc.

That being said, my Ps and PILs do not hit children. If they did, I would have to be very clear that it is not acceptable for them to hit my dc, and if they did, they would not be asked to care for them again.

I suppose it's a matter of how strongly you care about the difference.

Presuming that your parents are not the kind of people who actually physically abused you as children, I think (if everything else is OK) that you could leave your 17mo with them. I would presume that they would take into account her lack of understanding of certain situations due to her age and if they did actually raise their hands to her, they would tap her to get her attention (ie not make her cry etc).

Having said that, I don't leave my kids with my dad ever because he did hit us very hard and also hit us with objects hard as well and he would do that to my DCs and I will not tolerate that. My parents are divorced and I am happy to leave either of my kids with my mum. She might tap them to try and get their attention etc if they are really playing up but she would never ever actually hurt them. Me and DH don't smack them anyway, but I have tapped DS (4) once when he was extremely naughty. (Just to be clear, I didn't make him cry or anything like that).

I would be livid if any grandparents of my ds 18 months smacked him. If i am there i tell him No but i end up with each family member on the inlaws side also telling him No which gets very frustrating, my mum is better, as we live with her i dont mind her telling him No if he is in danger of hurting himself etc, never smacking though, i dont smack him let alone others.

My MIL had very different ideas about how to treat dd; everything I did was wrong of course. Unfortunately, even though dh and I had quite a few longish chats with her about it, and she promised to do what we wanted (eg, feed her on demand) she just did whatever she wanted to do (eg, fed her 4 hourly). I just had to grind my teeth about it, as the only way to stop her would have been to cut contact. I didn't think it was worth it, and DD, now 10, is quite au fait with the idea that different rules apply with different people/circumstances.

However, she didn't smack - at least we were at one on that one. Like zazizoma, I would have withdrawn unsupervised contact for that.

As a grandma my rule is that the parents decide on all aspects of childcare and I do my level best to do things their way.I dont smack anyway but find their 'time out'difficult to enforce.My own methods are to try distraction techniques which have worked so far.I have resorted to bribery-eg,'well you go on with your behaviour if you like-I am going to open a packet of Maltesers.'Dgs is 3,2 and that never fails!My dd just says,'Not too many sweets Mum.'I am good at getting them to go down for naps and at playing with them with toys etc.I am bad at physical activities like football but will walk to park if weather is good.I try-thats what gps do.Dont worry about your dd she will be loved and that is what matters.

My parents and my pil both used smacking to discipline their own children but have managed to be respectful of our views on the issue and have not smacked our children.

We did leave ds1 with them while I was in labour with dd1 and we left all three of the big dcs with them again when I was in labour with dd2.

I agree with other posters that it seems unlikely that your parents would resort to smacking when they only have your dd for such a short amount of time. That said, I would share your concern if you think that your parents would not respect your wishes. I would consider it unacceptable to have my children smacked especially at a vulnerable time when I am away and our next meeting will include a new sibling.

I have heard myself say to my mother that she had her chance with my brother and I and that with my children, I will make my own decisions. She does not always agree with my parenting but so far, she is generally respectful.

I wouldn't let anyone smack my children, grandparent or not. And I felt really upset by the 4mo being 'disciplined' for thumb sucking. WHY on earth would anyone do that to a baby? It's normal baby behaviour and comforting for them.

Sorry, while I respect that grandparents and children will have their own relationship and that may be a little more lax or strict than my style, I would not accept any 'discipline' which I felt would be harmful, upsetting or damaging to my child and I believe any physical punishment is.

If I felt a grandparent would lie to me or deliberately undermine me, I'd rather a friend or professional childminder took my children and I'd only take them to the grandparents under my supervision. Trust is everything!

Both my MIL & Mum look after DD when I am at work. I trust them implicitly to discipline her the same as I would however, their house and their rules - I'm getting free childcare and if DD does something they feel is unacceptable then they should be free to treat it the way they see fit.

I think you just need to sit down and talk to them, if something happens which you are not comfortable/happy with then it needs to be talk about straight away.

I look after my grandson every friday, he is delightful, but I am always looking for ways to amuse him. Any suggestions for the Woodford Green area?

The story about disciplining a 4mo upset me too! You can't discipline a baby of that age because they have no reasoning ability - all you do is hit them!