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Wild behaviour in 3.5 yr old with new sibling and spent time around cousins

11 replies

PavlovtheCat · 30/12/2009 18:00

OMG.

My lovely, happy, chilled, calm child has turned into a demon and I am at the end of my tether, so is DH.

DS was born 4 wks ago. DD of course was a bit unsettled with this, and had a bit of an increase in tantrums, mainly with DH, but we felt it was manageable.

However, she has been constantly in his face, had tried to pick him up etc (to be expected of course) and we felt we had dealt with the instant excitement of her trying to pick him up, while still aware we had to watch her around him.

We have just spent almost 2 weeks with family, including at one point 7 other children. 4 of those children were from abroad so had different time zones and jetlag, and also parents had differing parenting style.

DDs routine has gone to pot, she would not go to sleep at her bed time as the other kids were still allowed to run riot, same with her eating. The other kids ate when they liked and did not eat much, ate a lot of junk, drank a lot of sugary drinks, DD wanted some when they did, not helped with DH saying 'she is on holiday, let her have some'. She has learned some awful behaviour from the other children (not necessarily their behaviour on their own was bad, just different and they fed of each other).

She has pretty much stopped listening. She will ask for something, while taking it, and continue taking it as if we have not spoken when we say No. She runs off which she never did before, she will not come back when we call her, she shouts, she answers back.

but, the worst is the ignoring. Some examples.

This morning, she wanted some chocolate from the quality street tin. Once apon a time we would not need to hide as when we say No she listens. She had the tin, hand in it, while asking. I said not before breakfast, and while I was talking she was saying 'i will just have one, this one' and I said No, and No, and Put that chocolate back, and give me the tin etc, and she continued to take the chocolate out and unwrap it as if I was not talking. I took it off her and she went into the front room to see DH. He then turned to find her sat behind a chair eating a chocolate. Her answer when asked why she took it when told no was 'i wanted it anyway'. I took her play dough away from her and no chocolate for today.

The biggest problem is the ignoring with DS. She won't leave him alone, and she will now try to pick him up even when I am sat right next to him and won't put him down, she will have her fingers prodding and poking him when I am trying to feed him she will to touch my boobs when feeeding him, pull his feet, and generally be in his face constantly.

I am saying No DD, please do not touch him, give him some space,please let him sleep/eat, please let him alone, No, No, No, NO!!!!! and I am ending up shouting at her.

She will then leave him, and pull a plug on something I can't get to while feeding, drop things on the floor, constantly do something, then something else, then something else until I get really upset.

DH and I seem to be angry more and more and I hate this, I hate being like this, I hate her being like this.

I cannot leave DS for a second today, even in the same room, if he is in the moses basket so is she.,

She has also broken the laptop as she picked it up.

Right this second I am feeding the boy and she is climbing a chest of drawers to get her old advent calender even though I am asking her not to, she has just pulled down a ton of stufff, found her purple scissors and is refusing to give them to me, crying that they are hers, now run off into the front room, finally given them to me, so she can get some paper and is trying to snatch them from me while I feed the baby. She is now distraught.

I am dreading bedtime as she is very tired and is refusing to go to bed. She is wild.

I want her back. And I have no idea what to do now. Please help.

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PavlovtheCat · 30/12/2009 18:07

Oh and she gets upset at everything, Her buttons on her pjs not all being done up, her food being on the plate, everfything has to be just so, and if not she is angry, and she won't let us get her dressed, put her in the carseat, hold her hand walking, in particular she won't let DH do this, he cannot even touch her without her screaming at him (like, he will give her a cuddle, or he will try to lift her into the car, or pick her up to put on his lap, give her a kiss, stroke her hair.

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PavlovtheCat · 30/12/2009 18:20

help!

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sickofsocalledexperts · 30/12/2009 18:28

God, I don't know that I have any advice but din't want to leave you unanswered. I guess a behaviourist would say that this is classic attention-seeking behaviour, due to jealousy of the new baby. I know my mum has told me that I used to do awful things when she was feeding my baby bro, just because I knew she wouldn't be able to get up and stop me. And I (think) I turned out alright! That said, the theory is that you should not reward the attention-seeking behaviour by giving it attention, or else she will see as a pleasing way of getting all the attention (positive or negative) back on her, not baby!What happens if you ignore the bad behaviours, say nothing at all, no eye contact - nothing, but simply march her up to her room and give her a 5/10 minute Time out with the door shut (held shut if necessary)? And do it every single time, after a warning or two that, so she doesn't get any emotional attention, just ignoring and a boring sit in her room/safe space? Worth a try?

Spottydog · 30/12/2009 18:31

I don't have any experience of this i'm afraid, but I do have a DD who thrives on routine and acts very much like you describe when there are lots of changes, so massive sympathy from me, I have been at my wits end many times with her.
It is exhausting, but try and get the routine back as much as you can, make her room safe and put her in it when she gets angry with you, tell her she can come and have a cuddle/do something she likes as soon as she is calm.
Sorry I can't be more help, does she have a favourite tv programme? could you bribe her with tv time and a snuggle on the sofa with you while you are feeding, as long as she lets the baby have a feed in peace. Maybe some one to one time just you and her if you can manage it during the day, even though you probably don't feel like it at the moment. x

PavlovtheCat · 30/12/2009 18:33

i have not tried her bedroom. I guess I could but have been reulactant to use her bedroom as a punishment/time out room as it is her play area and a fun place to be. Also its not boring so she is likely to play with her toys there.

I have tried the time out step. She has been on this today. 3 mins and misbehave those 3 mins starts again. She was there for 15 mins or so, she blew rasberries, stroked the cat, made growling noises. Eventually she was ready to say sorry, and now 5 mins later, she has helped herself to a slice of bread from the kitchen side, even though she has pasta about to be served and I said no bread. She was just eating it.

She also gets up from the time out step and wanders off as she pleases.

Will i ever get her back?

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lovechoc · 30/12/2009 18:36

oh god, I'm now dreading this age gap...

I'm pg just now and DS will be roughly the same age as your DD. I have no advice to offer but hope someone else can come along to help you out with practical advice. I haven't been through this yet myself but I will be following this thread from now on to see what others suggest as I may need the advice for future reference!

Hoping things get easier for you soon

Spottydog · 30/12/2009 18:40

You will get her back, don't worry about the bedroom, it doesn't matter if she plays with her toys, as long as she calms herself down.

SleighGirl · 30/12/2009 18:43

my 4 year old has been wild and difficult and that is the result of one very late night - Christmas Day and the change of routine.

I would buy a playpen to put your ds in.

Ask your dd to chose some special things to do together when you are feeding ds. Favourite books to read, tv to watch, sticker books etc

Beyond that I have no ideas.........

PavlovtheCat · 30/12/2009 18:54

Good idea about the playpen.

We have some special books that we read, and at the time today when she kept trying to maul him while he was feeding we were watching her special new Totoro DVD that she got for christmas. She prefered to bug her brother to the point he stopped feeding and was crying, with me pushing her hand away over and over and over.

Will try the bedroom, see if it works.

She has learnt this new growling thing, got it from her cousin aged almost 7 who growls and walks around pretending to be a dog/tiger, sometimes does this when we ask her to do something, DD is doing this when she is being 'naughty' and on the step, or about to go on it, and being asked to stop something.

I am glad to hear she will come back to me. We are trying to give her special time for her, lots of positive attention that is not all about the baby, and also involve her lots in the baby, she gets to hold him with supervision, 'helps' change his nappy. I was hoping this would make it all easier for her . I guess christmas, the excitement, the lack of routine and her cousins around are just more likely to compound an already difficult time for her.

I do think she is tired, very so, she has circles under her eyes, but her normal routine is so out, we can't do 7:30pm bedtime, we are having to bring it back to that gradually. T~onight, 8:30pm is a possibility, but not guaranteed.

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Spottydog · 30/12/2009 19:41

I think you're right about a lot of changes in a short space of time, and it's really hard on you too when you're trying to do all the right things and it feels like it has no effect, but keep going as best you can, you will get your lovely girl back, she is still there, underneath all of this, good luck. x

PavlovtheCat · 30/12/2009 22:53

Managed to get her into bed by 8:30pm. stories with dh, then she woke, or rather, cried in her sleep for mummy, daddy went up and she wanted me only, and she was very unsettled and unhappy even asleep .

I told her i loved her and sorry we had a bad day but tomorrow would be different and we could start the day again, would both be happy with each other.

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