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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Concerns about friend's 22 mnth old.

22 replies

namechange222 · 30/12/2009 13:57

I have namechanged, but I'm posting this out of genuine concern rather than bitchiness or anything and would appreciate some advice.

My friend has a 21 month old son, most times I have saw her in the past year, it has been without her DS (evening events etc) so it has been since April the last time I saw him properly.

However, I met up with her over Christmas, along with some other mutual friends, during the course of the day I had some concerns, but obviously didn't say anything, however when I left, one of my other friends, who is a pediatric nurse, commented on him too.

He will be 2 in March, he cannot walk but he can crawl, he can't say any words (nor clear sounds like mama dada etc) but will just scream. He wasn't really interacting with anyone, despite there being lots of people/other toddlers trying to get his attention. No waves bye bye or anything. He seemed to get quite distressed at times and do quite a lot of very arched back, hand flapping movements. He also has issues with food and wont eat anything unless it is completely smooth first baby stage texture, unless it is crunchy (like those baby crispy corn things)

My nurse friend said she genuinely felt a bit concerned.

He is a lovely little boy and does seem happy, and maybe he is just a little slower to grasp things, like walking etc, but I don't know.

Not really sure why I am posting this I just want to maybe sound it out. Not really sure if I could/should say anything to my friend, as we are not now as close as we once were.

OP posts:

poshtottie · 30/12/2009 14:21

I wouldnt' say anything if it was a friend of mine. If he is due a 2 year check soon maybe something will be picked up then.

addictedtolatte · 30/12/2009 14:28

i probably wouldnt say anything either if anything is wrong it will be noticed eventually.

littleboyblue · 30/12/2009 14:34

I don't think I'd say anything.
My ds1 turned 2 recently and all I got was a letter from the hv asking if I had any concerns and if so to contact them. I thought they automatically got check-up appointments but obviously not.

STIGZ · 30/12/2009 14:35

if anything is wrong it should deffo b picked up on when he goes to nursery if he hasnt improved by then .xx.

muppetgirl · 30/12/2009 14:42

Can I just say that the walking thing may not be a problem. Ds 2 was very slow physically, not holding head for months, not sitting alone 'till 1, never really crawled started to shuffle around and only walked when he was 20 months. My HV wasn't concerned as she said all is quite normal 'till 2. I also had a physio friend who said the same.

I was paranoid -he wasn't the same as my climber ds 1 - and other people's comments I found especially hard to take as walking is really something you can't force them to do. There was nothing I could really do other than put things at a low level encouraging him to stretch and get himself. He also had no frustration as he had no inclination. He's 25 months now and he's up and down the stairs, climbing, jumping etc. Running is stil hilarious to watch though!

I can't comment on the other things as not being there it's hard to.

We don't have a 2 year check at ours so your friend's child may not be observed. Does she think he has a few problems?

muppetgirl · 30/12/2009 14:45

Also ds 1 -the climber - didn't speak 'till he was 2. No words at all, HV was getting interested as were other family members. Now you can't shut him up! They really are all different and do different things at different times including behaviour.

Is this your first?

(Yes that sounds patronising but I really don't mean it to be )

MojoLost · 30/12/2009 15:07

I would also be very concerned, and I honestly cannot believe that your friend hasn't noticed the problems. He sounds extremely delayed
maybe she has made contact with a doctor, etc and hasn't told you.

Marne · 30/12/2009 15:19

I would be concerned mainly because i have 2 dd's on the Autistic spectrum and this rings alarm bells with me. But i agree with the others that you can not really say anything to your friend, i'm sure she has noticed that her ds is behind and i'm sure it will be picked up at his 2 year check and when he starts playgroup/nursery. Yes some children are late walkers, late talkers but the fact that he flaps and has poor communication would worry me.

thesecondcoming · 30/12/2009 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heated · 30/12/2009 15:32

Does she believe there is a cause for concern? Do you know, for instance, whether she has already seen someone?

Original poster

namechange222 · 30/12/2009 16:52

Thanks everyone for your replies. I was worried about being flamed for being judgey!

As far as I know she hasn't seen anyone, well not that she has mentioned anyway. He started a nursery about 6 months ago, but she moved him to a new one recently as she said she felt the staff were "a bit mean to him" and "kept going on about the food issues" so I wonder if perhaps something was said at the nursery and that caused her to move him.

She commented yesterday that she isn't overly happy with the staff at the new nursery either, so not sure.

I think deep down she might suspect something is wrong as I noticed that she does avoid answering questions about him, or getting involved in chat with other parents about fairly normal stuff, but I could be reading too much into it, and it could just be that she's not interested in baby chat

I think the consensus is to say nothing then (what I was thinking) and just see if anything gets picked up soon.

Marne, what you mention (flapping and no communication) was what my nurse friend commented on as she said she has worked with many children on the Autistic spectrum and it just rang alarm bells with her.

OP posts:

JInglesBells · 30/12/2009 17:01

I would say something.. not I think your dc is delayed developmentally obviously, but I would come up with some sort of leading question to make sure she made an appointment for her 2 yr check. And I would keep a closer eye.
I have a friend with a 10yr old ds.. he has severe difficulties, yet his mum refused to believe it for years and none of us were prepared to stick our necks out. He is only now starting to get the help he needs and I totally regret not saying enough before. He could have had more help years ago

Heated · 30/12/2009 17:35

Is your friend on her own? Do family have any input?

My cousin was only diagnosed with autism in his 30s despite wider family concerns since he was 5. It's really hard to interfere if it isn't welcome.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 30/12/2009 17:59

There's enough there together that would worry me. each on their own wouldn't but put together would worry me.

My DD has dyspraxia and my friend who is a nurse voiced concerns about Aspergers when she was 3. I shot off to the healh visitor who said she was fine and it was only when she got to reception things got picked up.

I was upset with my friend at the time when the HV said she was OK, which was unfair and I tried to hide it but she knew. As a result she's holding back on saying much about her niece who clearly is having big issues and has all kind of problems. So I don't really know what to suggest, maybe ask casually if she's had anything about a two year check as an opener.

Original poster

namechange222 · 30/12/2009 22:16

She has split up from her DS's dad, but they have a 50/50 split and he is quite involved in his care, and she also has a good relationship with her family, but she has never mentioned any one thinking there are any issues.

As I said before, we are not as close as we once were and only now really meet up without kids and nights out, but I will maybe wait until his 2 yr check and ask how he got on as an opener?

Thanks everyone for your input, I wasn't sure whether or not to post, but am glad of people's opinion, because things just didn't seem quite right

OP posts:

1980Sport · 04/01/2010 15:54

I would say something - at worst you will offend her and she may be upset with you but on the other hand she may really appreciate having some one to talk to. My friend mentioned to me that she was concerned that my 6 month old has poor head control and wasn't weight bearing, I took him to the HV and six months later he is still under going tests and having physio and OT. I'm so glad she said something early because as a first time mum I know I wouldn't have picked up on it!

lovechoc · 04/01/2010 19:57

I would have to say something - sorry to go against the grain here. Although he is her child, his welfare is what comes first so if it means having to say something in order for things to be addressed by a HP, then so be it. You are a friend and you care about her and her family. You would be doing her a disservice to just sit back and ignore it.

Not all areas do a 2 year check!! I haven't been asked about DS when he turned 2yo last year, not even a letter or a phone call to ask how it's all going. Nada. You can't just assume someone else will just pick it up.

Have the nursery not said anything to the mum?

I have a nephew with VERY similar traits to what you have mentioned. He is 2.8 yo and isn't talking yet. He hasn't said any words at all. MIL has dropped hints about it but they don't seen concerned (the parents).

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 04/01/2010 20:00

You know what, I would say something but not sure how.

I had concerns about something my son did and wasn't sure what to do or if I even needed too. Someone else commented on him doing it and that was the push I needed to take him to the GP. If someone else felt the need to comment then it wasn't me imagining it.

BooHooo · 04/01/2010 20:06

He sounds like he has some real delays there that need to be checked out - there may be some treatment/ techniques that could really make his life more comfortable.

Really difficult one. Are you sure the family/ hv are not working it through with her and she is just keeping it quiet?

If not I think I would have to say something as tactfully as possible.

lovechoc · 04/01/2010 20:10

I think many people are so frightened to offend the parents they miss the point that it's the child that matters, not what the parents think or how they react. People don't interfere out of nastiness, they do it because they care.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. It may be the case that the mum does know there's something wrong but is doing the 'ostrich syndrome' thing and hoping it goes away on it's own and hoping that things improve (which they may well do - he may start talking overnight!).

cyberseraphim · 04/01/2010 20:13

I think most parents don't like talking to other people about their child's problems as there is a fear (that may be unfounded) that outsiders are curious for the wrong reasons. Unless you know she is avoiding appointments, I don't think saying something will help.

ApplesinmyPocket · 04/01/2010 20:38

I thought my best friend's DS was developmentally delayed, in fact he didn't talk till three and had a number of very strange behaviours. In fact it was picked up at his 2 year check and he had a couple of years' placement in an SN playgroup.

That little boy went on to grammar school and is now at a good Uni so I'm glad I didn't ever voice my concerns and there was no need anyway, as if your friend's little boy does have some delays that need intervention, I highly doubt it will be missed for long. I really wouldn't say abnything. Just be supportive like the kind friend you obviously are and tell her, as you told us, that he is a lovely little boy (I'm sure you already do.)

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