Would like some advice.

[FiveGoMadInDorset]

This will be long and I apologise in advance.

DD will be 4 in January.

Up until 2 was a breath holder for the next year she screamed so much she made herslf sick and now she has what I can only describe as rages, she hits, bites scratches, does not understand what you are saying. The only way we have found to deal with these is to let her in her room and rage, (and then clear up) until she is calm enough and lucid enough to take on board what you are saying.

Generally she is very good. Has always been a good sleeper until December 2008 when we cam back from a holiday and she took 4 months into settling to sleeping, waking up screaming saying there was a man in her room. We took it in turns to sleep on the sofa as we had paying guests in. This gradually calmed down until she slept through. This November we moved her to a new bedroom and going through the process again, now she tends to come into our bed about 3 and stays so one of us will end up on the sofa.

So she doesn't like nor seems to cope with change. This is also manifesting itself in constipation which started when we moved out for a week as we were having some buidling work done.

The rage on Christmas Night was the fact that her duvet wasn't on the right way round, todays one, I was drying some duvets that I had washed and she wanted them to come in as she was scared they would blow away. She always has to wear her stripey hat. (she has just come into the kitchen crying asking if the duvets are dry yet). If her brother (18 months) soes something teh wrong way or goes where he should'nt, then that starts her off again. She is quite precise in what she likes.

She likes nursery, but I guess that is routine based aswell. She panicked when we went in at 9am once instead of 8.

We don't go out together alot as she panicks if we get a different babysitter in (ours is very popular).

She is very polite, and well behaved the vast majority of the time, please and thank yous, is good to take shopping, enjoys her swimming lessons, and her bike riding.

She is also very sociable, we have a lot of people through our house and go out and about to see people. It is just weird these episodes.

DH has just said things should be where they should be and she can't cope well if they are different.

Does this sound normal 3/4 year old behaviour or should we have some concerns.

Thank you for reading this.

Franny back up starlight have a good book you can read for coping strategies in the mean time. It has made a major difference for coping with ds's issues and has tamed them to a level where he has coping strategies that he can use to cope in a wide range of situations in a mannor much better then before. it is particularly good in that the strategies can be used on non asd kids but who react in that kind of manner. FB if you need more help. This is my life and normal for ds.

On a quick fix and warm bath and dunk dd in fully clothed, it helps cure a temper with lashing out. the shock of going in fully clothed can stun into silence and for ds it is sensorily calming and the only way i can avoid being hurt in his tempers. When he is calm enough the clothes get removed then i know he is ready to come out. An alternitive i was told by a pedatrician was to flick a small amount of cold water into his face when he started into the rage to shock him to then deal with. I was told they can get into a cycle of emotion which they cant break on their own easily.

I can see why people are talking about ASD as it does sound like it could be something like that but....my dd2 is very similar. She has humungous rages and they really frighten her so they just spiral out of control. We do the same as you - put her in her room until she's calm enough to see reason. But it's very, very rare that she has one bad enough for that. Usually we just have to tell her, lovingly, that we will not engage with her until she's calmer and then wait.

She definitely doesn't have an ASD but she does have the biggest, most overactive imagination ever! She has bad dreams most nights but will settle with us just going in to hold her hand now (she's just about to turn 5) but used to need to come in our bed. Can you put a single mattress on the floor by your bed to transfer her to when she's fallen asleep again so you can both stay in your bed when she comes in?

Personally, we try to be led by our DDs as far as possible, but being aware that it is our job to help her learn how to cope with her huge feelings. She is our most challenging child, but also, in a way, our most delightful - her passionate personality is what causes her rages, but they also cause her to have a really deep interest in anything she enjoys, she does nothing by halves, she's always making up songs, or drawing or something creative.

Also, just being aware that she may get worse when she starts school and any other time of big change - or sometimes you won't be able to work out why she's so stressed. Lots of time relaxing is helpful to our DD2 - she likes doing yoga, and having baths with lavender in. She finds it very, very difficult to get to sleep - in that way we're lucky because we can afford not to stress too much about it as she can sleep in in the morning if she needs to.

Lots and lots of love and proof that you love her when she's calm and when she's in a rage. Um....will let you know if I come up with anything else that's helped us!

Math - I fear you may be right about the level of people. We run B&B and is the only way we could afford to run the house, we are closed at the moment. I am certain that she could not have encountered anyone, but I do know that children are susceptble to spirits and we are haunted (by lovely ones), she used to sleep in the cow shed. I had thought of getting our parish priest in and bless this house.

Thank you for all the words of wisdom. I will be more forceful and not be fobbed off as I have tried to tell HV my concerns. Meanwhile lots of love and cuddles to her.

If there's any way to move her bed closer to your room, perhaps she would feel a bit less off on her own, a bit safer, more secure? She's quite young to be wandering through a big house on her own at night to get to you when she wakes at night.

I've just re-read your post about where your dd bedroom is five. It does sound as though your dd has a long way to go to reach your room if she is anxious in the night and I agree with mathanxiety that it might be reassuring for her if you could locate her somewhere nearer to you.

Is the cowshed attached to the house or somewhere out in a yard?

She is now no longer in the cow shed (which is attched to the house and is a granny annex, they have their playroom in it aswell. It was very quiet there, the peoblem now seems to be that where her new room is (which is just down the landing from us) is now on the (very quiet) road. There is a window, secondary glazing, a black out blind and DH has put together 4 layers of sound proofing material to slot into the window to try and cut out all noise but she is scared that the cars will come in her room . All we are doing now is rowing about her as we are tired. But we have options and she is beautiful and bright and loving. Thanks all for letting me talk about it. My mother doesn't see any problems and my childless sister just hinks she is badly behaved.

I was also thinkning last night about behaviour when we go out. When we go shopping she is great, does what she asks, is nice and polite. And at home and at my parenst she sits nicely at the table to eat, but when we go to church or to the pub it is like she has got ants in her pants, to the point where we are not welcome to go and have lunch in our lovely local pub any more.

She does sound normal to me from what you've said.
We took toys or colouring books to church for our children at that age to keep them occupied. We weren't alone in that either. Other parents did the same.
Eating out with a toddler was a bit hit and miss with some of them depending on their mood.
Could you put her in a bedroom that is not on the road side of the house? Or a room nearer to yours so that she could just come in to you if she is frightened?
Some of the things that you are mentioning that you find odd just sound like normal 3/4yo behaviour to me.
Perhaps what you are seeing isn't coming across that well (to me anyway) as I'm not quite sure what the problem is.
So, as others have said, if you have a feeling that something is not right maybe speak with your hv again.