My 2.9yo DD is so jealous and unhappy

[moaningminniewhingesagain]

DD have always been very , ahem, spirited and lively. But she is very very whingey with lots of attention seeking 'naughty' behaviour at the moment and it is getting me down.

She is so madly jealous, I really feel for her, but also getting fed up of it. She is copying DS's speech (he is 12m), ie saying 'gah' 'bah' 'der' and pointing/grunting. And she keeps crawling, asking for a dummy, asking for a 'carry' and generally wants to be babied.

But she really kicks off if DH and I talk to each other, or if I try to feed DS - 'DS dont WANT a drink of milk! I want a drink of milk, DS wants a drink of WATER Mummy'

'No! DS dont need a clean bum, I need a clean bum first' and so on. Ad infinitum.

Any one else dealt with this and can give me some tips?

bump for the evening crowd

I'd play along with her, she'll soon get fed up of playing at being a baby. I know a number of children who have behaved like this, mine included. They can't articulate their fustration at having to share you and may become more upset if you "fight" against them. Lots of hugs and "special activities" etc when DS at naptime.i regulary tell my DD she's my favourite girl in the whole world and that's ok because DC2 is a boy! I remember my guilt being the worst part. good luck.

bump for you, didn't go through this.

What happens if you indulge her by giving her the babying she wants?

She is back to normal when having one on one time with either DH or myself, and I have been doing things she likes, like baking/painting and sticking when he naps for some quality time- which she loves.

When I go along with it - she wrestles away from a cuddle after a few mins to play...with DS.

She loves him to bits, their eyes light up when they see each other and big grins all round, but she is still incredibly envious.

sounds like she just needs your reassurance and is trying to come to terms with how much she loves him with how much she resents him!

Just play along and stop feeling guilty.

Yes, I think she is all tied up in knots with loving him and resenting him all at once

She was jealous when he was newborn - kept smacking him on the head when I was feeding him and poking him, but now he is mobile he is getting his own back - they are almost 21m apart but he is only 4lb lighter so he pushes back these days, he is average size and she is a tiny dot.

I would recommend reading the "how to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk" it's very good at helping you see it from their point of view and what to say.

Sounds fairly normal to me tbh. Mine were too close in age to be jealous IYSWIM

I've got 'how to talk', and I do find that 'doing' it helps, I especially use the talking about fantasies/praising as much as possible without vomiting and acknowledging stuff, esp when i can see that DS is annoying her, all help.

But I really struggle with ignoring the whining and grumbling. I know I should ignore it, but sometimes I end up saying ' Oh DD will you stop making that silly noise please' - shoot myself in foot, giving her attention for being a PITA...but it nearly makes my ears bleed!

can you start giving your ds lots of verbal attention when she starts doing the whining like pick him up and sing with him or something.

I think it could be a bit explosive to begin with but she'll probably learn soon enough.

or turn the stereo/ipod up so you can't hear it?

My dd is the same age as yours and her little brother 6 months (so a bit younger than yours), and this sounds pretty familiar. What other posters say, and I find that feeding her/pretending to burp her when she wants etc means that she moves on from it pretty quickly. I try to give her chances to be in charge when I can eg shall I take you or ds downstairs first?, which seems to help.
Something else that helps me as much as much as her is when I've asked her to do/not do something really HEAP on the praise as soon as she does what I've asked her to. This means that she gets more 'attention' for good behaviour and I get less sick of the sound of my own voice telling her off.
It sound like you're doing a great job - that's a small gap and they're pretty full on at this age!

Hi, I really feel for you as I have 18 months btween my dd and ds, and dd is now 2.10yr and has hit out at him since birth.

I am sorry I have no real tips for you as I am struggling with it still. I have tried everything. one to one time. activities,cuddles etc..

I also tried to read that book, but couldn't finish it.

I have just ordered 'hands are not for hitting'

I get the occasional baby talk too, but I either ignore or indulge.

I have tried the ignore her hitting and give lots of cuddles to ds (as someone told me it does work) however I just feel so guilty doing it.

ds has started to hit back now, and hits smacks and pulls my hair too.
All very draining being a referee everyday.

Sorry not much help really, but just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Rosebud05 I do that too, give a lot of praise when she is playing nicely with him (which is very rare)

Someone also told me to be very careful about negative attention as they can get in the habbit of it.
Well I think my dd just can't seem to help herself from lashing out at him now.

Yes, lots of praise for - Oh you are playing with him so nicely DD/ how kind of you to share - THUD he is pushed over

They are lovely but such hard work at the moment.

Thanks for all the replies, just having one of those weeks where I think I must have been nuts to have them so close together.

No1puts baby - the refereeing, at the moment I can barely leave them playing for 2 minutes before there is crying, you know- to do something utterly selfish and luxurious like wash up a few plates, put some laundry on, have a wee without someone flushing the toilet while I am sitting on it

I have 15 month gap. It IS hard. I forget sometimes how hard it was at times.

Now, dd2 is 19 months and they get on very well. Not all the time (that would be ridiculous ) but we are finally starting to see the benefit of them being close in age, interested in the same things at the same time. Sharing is hard sometimes but we practice a lot of taking turns.

I struggled with the jealousy because it pushes your guilt buttons as a mother, I find. I often tell my eldest how clever she is because she can do x, y, z that her sister would love to learn to do too... that kind of thing. Ask her to show dd2 how to do things.

When there was a period with lots of pushing/shoving/poking stuff, which did probably coincide with dd2 getting more mobile, I did have to basically watch them the entire time. I tried removing the victim (usually dd2) and giving her lots of attention but often found I ended up with a sobbing, hysterical dd1 hanging off my leg as I carried dd2 and tried to walk away . The best I can promise is that it does get better.

Though I'm sure there will always be some jealousy and rivalry. But they are starting to play properly together now and it is so so so cute. Makes up for all the removing-eldest's-fingers-from-youngest's-eyes moments.

Oh yes, I got the book from the How To Talk on siblings without rivalry. Which was maybe a bit old for them but provided soem support and thinking material for me at a tough time.

One of the good things there was to try not to refer to the other sibling when you have alone time with one (not sure I'm explaining that exactly but giving them some space where it's all about them and no references, positive or negative to the sibling). I try really hard with this as I can clearly remember my parents doing it (they still do....)

I must have strange children I had a 14 month gap and the elder one was jealous of the baby if Dh held her for 3 days and that was it. 2 years later another child and I don't think they even noticed that I had to be shared again!

Minnie, mine aren't as close together as yours and the though 'why on earth did I have the second one before the older one is in full tinme school' has crossed my mind a few times the last week or so. All the 'stuff to do' viz a viz Xmas even if you try to keep it low key has cranked up my stress-ometer a fair bit, I find.
Ceebeebies is my mate during these days when it's hard to get out.