Please help me to break it to my daughter that father Christmas can't bring people back from the dead. :-(

[mummyloveslucy]

Hi, my daughter will be 5 in march, but has some special needs and is mentally about three and a half.
Her great Grandma died last easter and my daughter was extreamly close to her.
She dosn't seem to understand that she's not comming back. I've tried to explain so many times.
She has been talking about her Nanny a lot recently, and seems to think she'll be hear for Christmas. She's asked if she can ask farther christmas to bring her back home.
I'm not sure what to say to her so that she'll understand, without being upset. She is a very loving and sensitive child. I want her to be happy at Christmas and not sad that her Nanny isn't hear.

Could you say that FC lives in Lapland and grandma lives in heaven and that the two are a long long way apart?

Ds is 5 and has a very strong belief in an after life - he tells me it doesn't matter about dying as you come back and start a new life. No idea where he has got that from, certainly not with me. Means we don't have the same issues when faced with the death of loved ones.

I don't know if this helps.

With Ds2 ( who also has SN) and DD who was quite young, I found I had to be very clear and avoid euphemisms.

It seems harsh just saying " i am so sorry but he/she is dead and that means they have gone away and we won't see them anymore" but DS2 NEDDED that. The 'gone away up to heaven' etc was too abstract and he got really confused.

The point i realised that I had to make it clear was when I sussed that all my poetic romanytic stuff had just made them believe that grandad was out there somewhere but choosing not to come and see them.

Try and use as few words as possible and stress that it is sad, so she can feel ok about being sad, but do be clear.

It is really hard. And when DS2 finally understood he was quite pleased and that was odd to deal with. But it will be easier for both of you if she knows that Grandma can't come back. It is sad, you wish that she could , but she really can't

Good luck. It is incredibly hard.

I know justa ( good catholic girl disclaimer )

I just could not go there with DS2 as he couldn't cope with that concept. Maybe when he is a little older. But maybe not. I have to worry about his anxiety levels and his confusion for right now and trust to a higher authority for everything else

Thanks everyone. The problem is, I've already told her that she's gone to live in heaven. I've told her we won't see her again, but thinking about it, it's probubly confusing for her.
I think I should've kept it simple. She goes to a church school, and they've told her the same. They lit a candle for her etc.
I love the idea of asking father Christmas to send her a dream of her Nanny.
Her speech therapist has told us to keep things very simple for her and to give very clear instructions such as "Put your coat on please" instead of "Lucy, can you find your coat and put it on please, because it's cold outside". Which is what we usually say to her and she'll just stand there, or start talking about something irrelevant.
With this in mind, it probubly should've been kept simple.
It just seems really cold though, for a little girl who's so deep.

Last Xmas DH Nan passed away 3 weeks before Xmas and DD1 asked for her back for her present (she was 4.3 at the time) we explained that Nanny had gone to be a star in heavan and that meant although we couldn't see her she could always wave to the sky and Nanny would twinkle back.

A year later she still mentions Nanny being a star and often randomly sits on her windowsill waving, DH Mum (it was her Mum who died and his Nan lived with his parents for the last 18 months of her life) thinks its a lovely memory she has and have often caught her smiling when DD1 waving up at the sky

I know

It is hard. Even the keeping sentences short thing seems hard. Trying to keep love and complicated emotions into neat sentences is nigh on impossible.

justabout- that is so funny.

eandh- that is really lovely, I'd love to explain it like that to my daughter.

She often says that she misses Nanny and that she's been waiting a very long time.
I've read her Badgers parting gifts, she listens but dosen't make any coment.

justabout- she dosn't tend to ask questions much. It was quite a supprise she asked if she could write that on her Christmas list.
She mainly talks about what she wants eg- "I want Nanny" or "I miss Nanny". She sometimes asks me to pretend to be her. She loves make believe play. I then talk to her as her Nanny would, using the little phrases she used. She'll then cuddle me and say "I miss you, and I love you" etc.
I'm not sure if going along with the role play, is the right thing to do, but it does seem to cheer her up.

Dealing with death is so hard. My Mum died when my son was 3 and not being religious we went with a life cycle description explained by his common 3 year old fascination with the dust cart; i.e. a beautiful flower grows in the garden, it dies, we put it in the compost bin and give it to the dust cart, time passes and the flower breaks down into compost which we put back on our garden to give energy for something new and beautiful to grow.

Obviously Nanny didn't go in the dust cart but the rest of it was the same. It seemed make sense to him.......... although he did once comment that he hoped Nanny would give energy to make an Elephant because he liked Elephants.

Going to a church school can complicate things. He came home in his first few weeks there and asked if I knew that when someone dies Jesus can bring them back to life and put them back in your family.

A book I liked was called Goodbye Vivi. Don't have an author but got it from the Library.

DD is 3.7 and was less than three when my parents died in February. We were quite forthright with her and told her that Grandad had gone somewhere where he wouldn't feel poorly anymore and that his cough would feel better (he had lung cancer), but that it was a long way away and we were sad as we wouldn't be able to see him anymore. Then whem Mum died shortly after we told DD that Granny had gone to keep Grandad company and that we would miss her too.

As she grasped this concept we introduced words such as death and heaven.

HTH.

My DS is nearly 7 (SN). His sister died when he was 3.

We have always been open and honest and clear about what happened. We have never used 'gone to sleep', 'passed away' etc. I have always answered his questions (usually at very odd times!). He talks a lot about his sister. They were very close and she was sick for a long time.

He STILL hasnt got it. He is just too young, even if he didnt have SN. I just keep plugging away and dealing with each new situation as it arises. His last little crises was when I suddenly realised that he thought cancer was a person. He had been making odd comments for a while when it hit me (doh). He had been talking about his sister being stabbed and dying. I thought he was a bit confused. He thought cancer was a person and had come and killed his sister.

All you can do is be honest and remain consistant. Thats what we do. It can be very hard sometimes.

I think that it's fine to roleplay with her if that's what she likes to do - it's not disturbing or wierd, and it's probably a sign that she knows Nanny has gone away forever, as she wants you to be there instead - something which I think must be a step in the right direction.