6.5 year old ds is reluctant to try new things am getting worried

[charliesweb]

My ds (the eldest of 3) has always been quite shy and anxious about new situations. he likes to know exactly what is going to happen and to be able to obssrve things before he participates.

At the beginning of the August he broke his leg and was in plaster for the summer holidays, which he coped with really well. However, since he went back to schoo, I have noticed that he seems much more worried about doing things that he used to enjoy. In septmber he was in tears about being at a swimming party even though I stayed. And he was the same at his swimming lesson. He got over both the fears eventually.

Today I tok him to the local church with his sister for an activity day. He had been telling me he didn't want to go, but I told him he had to to go and see. A really good friend of his who he doesn't get to see very often was there, but dspite eveyone trying to convince him he refused to stay. I had told him if he gave it a go but wanted to come home I would come straight back and collect him. He was quite upset and adament so I brought him home. My friend as we were leaving said "I would have made him stay which really upset me because I am worried that he is potentially going to miss out on a lot of fun because of his fears and anxieties. I want him to try things, but also to know that he can trust me not to force him if he really doesn't want to.

I think sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.

The reality is that if you give in to his fears like this then he will learn that he doesn't have to try new experiences because you will let him get away with not doing so, when in actual fact if he tried new things he would probably enjoy them.

I speak as the mother of a seven year old who is very similar and who will shy away from new experiences. I'm afraid that I take a very hard-line approach to this, and will make him experience whatever it is he doesn't want to (and will do it with him, for eg a ride in a theme park) with the promise that if it's really that hideous he doesn't have to do it again. he almost always enjoys whatever it is he didn't want to do once he's actually done it, but if I let him not do it he would never find that out for himself.

I also find that he seems less cautious about these things when he's just with friends and doesn't have me as an audience (even though I'm an unsympathetic audience )

I absolutely agree with you wannabe, and that has been my approach. He jsut got so upset this morning it didn't seem worth it. He has been selected for tennis coaching after xmas ansd I have made it clear that he has to go to that. H himself said that sports are more his thing thanorganised arts and crafts.

Hello

I used to be just like your son and can really empathise with him and sympathise with you. Generally my mother gave in mostly and kindly rescued me from situations. Im now 32 and still feel weird about going to do most stuff e.g. visiting DH's friends, any sort of party. That said, once Im there, I enjoy it and then feel guilty for having felt so bad about going.

Sorry long message but what Im saying is that I really do wish my mum had been harder on me (she had good reason to want to spoil me though- my dad had left her 2 years after my older brother died suddenly and unexpectedly) so maybe find some situations where you really know he is safe and familar with surroundings and make it non-negotiable.

Good luck

My ds1 is very similar and I was interested to hear a brief thing on radio 4 the other day about anxiety in children. They recommended a book called "Coping with an Anxious or Depressed Child: A Guide for Parents or Carers" by Samantha Cartwright- Hatton. I am hoping that it will deal in detail with the very issue of how a parent should deal with a child who is scared of doing new things, or even some everyday things, so as to improve rather than exacerbate the situation!!! Maybe it would be helpful for you, too?