Mean 'friend' /bully to my DS

[SingleMum01]

My DS has a 'friend' he's known since babies and is now at school with. The 'friend' is very mean to my DS, ie, if they're playing in the hut in the school playground he will let everyone else in the hut but my DS. Same goes with other games.

My DS tells me the other boy is okay when he's on his own, but when there are other children around he's mean to my DS. It seems he has to be top/best at everything and for some reason has it in for my DS.

There are 4 boys that tend to play together (my DS, the mean boy, and 2 other boys). It started originally when my DS was best friends with one of these 4, and the mean boy used to say to my DS that his best friend wasn't his friend anymore. Unfortunately over the last 2 years my DS' best friend has been in the same class as the mean boy and they seem to be best friends now, although my DS is now best friends with the other boy (the other one of the 4 - if that makes any sense!)

My DS and his new best friend are both saying they want to leave the school because the mean boy and his new best friend (my DS' old best friend) are being mean to them.

It is mostly verbal meanness (although it has been physical in the past, ie, the other boy has slapped my DS on the face on occasions. I then went into the school who sorted it). I also asked for them to be in separate classes this year.

I've told my DS to stay away from this boy and play with his other friends, thankfully he does seem to have quite a few other friends. Unfortunately in life there are not so nice people and the best thing to do is ignore them and not bother with them. Its their problem and not ours and they will be the ones who end up with few friends.

My DS is quite sensitive and although he doesn't cry about it, he doesn't like it. He says he wishes the old boys were back.

Is it a case of playground meanness or should I be doing more about it.

how old are they?
It's very common around 5/6 yrs old to start with the You're not my friend type of stuff and other meany things

They are 7 - my DS is very good at understanding other people's feeling and not hurting them. I would have thought by the age of 7 this was the norm, but it seems the other boy actually enjoys upsetting my DS.

Dd1 is like this with her friends. I was convinced she was being bullied by one of her friends. She told me that at lunch one of her friends tell the others not to sit with her and they won't play with her for the rest of the day.

I had a word with the mum, who told me that her dd says the exact same thing. It would seem that they sit and decide who is going to be left out that day and then no one plays with them .

She is 6. Little children can be nasty. Go to the school again if you are concerned, or speak to the mum if you know her.

It might help if ds invites the other two boys round for play dates. It should help strengthen their friendship.

Shiny and New how horrible for your DD - do you mean invite the 2 boys out of the 4 that aren't mean to my DS?

Very Bad Advice coming up.

Tell him the other boy is a horrible idiot and he's better off without him as he and his new best friend are the best boys in the class.

Yeah. Invite the two who are nice around together. Maybe invite the mean one another day?

my eldest ds is the same and I think being able to empathise with others and not being someone who hits or says things back sometimes makes a dc more of a target so I have always boosted ds's self confidence so he knows if things are said, it's only words and if he's hit to walk away because it's not him being the one who is unfriendly so he won't lose friends by saying he doesn't want to be hit.
Since he got more assertive, he has found the boy who used to harrass him has now eased off as he's less of an easy touch now he has the confidence to tell the boy he's not going to put up with it.

I know that a lot of schools focus quite a bit on what makes a good friend during classtime with dcs of that age as it's that age group who often have spats between groups of previously good friends, so hopefully your school does too. Good luck.

This kid sounds mean and divisive in a purposeful way and I wouldn't let him through the door. I see the value of encouraging friendships where there is trouble but not in this case.

I may be being overprotective though.

I wouldn't invite the mean boy at all until he has learned how to be a proper friend! When a previously nice friend started being horrible to my ds and ended up hitting him a few times, I decided not to invite him round at all - why give a mixed message that he can hit my son and still get invited over for a play?
I told my ds that the boy wasn't being a very nice friend and that proper friends don't do that and ds was happy enough not to see him out of school as he wasn't having fun with him in school. I was also aware, however, that the other boy wasn't an adult and so had yet to learn how to behave in a better way towards his class friends so I wasn't about to be overly harsh and nor did I make him out to be horrible to mny ds, simply explained that ds should steer clear if the boy was treating him badly, but didn't see the point in inviting him over to play when he had been horrible to my ds. That would give the impression that it was ok to do what he did, and it's not.

displayuntiltwelthnight - very good advice, thanks.

I do tell my DS to not play with the mean boy, but my DS tells me the mean boy follows him sometimes.

I know calling him a horrible idiot is bad advice Anyway, what display said.

Perhaps he could tell him to Go Away very loudly. It works in bullying situations.

Oh I feel for you I really do. Dd sounds like your ds, never mean to other children but I know she's been on the receiving end a few times with neighbours and other children at her dance class.
Sometimes I secretly want her to punch them or be mean back but then I would prefer to have the soft gentle child she is than the bully child.
I wouldn't invite the brat child around, he'll get the message.

the mean boy my ds had to contend with would follow him about too - seems he didn't like to be nice to ds but didn't have anyone else he'd rather play with

I asked him once what he said when he hit him, wondering if he gave a reason for hitting him, and ds said he had said "No-one wants to play with me!" (punch)

No wonder! I told ds to tell boy that why would anywone want to play with someone who hit them!

agree with peacocks that being seen and heard is handy in those situations as if a school teacher or midday assistant can see things happening, that would maybe nip it in the bud

kids are horrible, aren't they!

I know its a long way away and things may improve (although doubtful as this has been going on for 2 years now) do I think I'm okay to ask for them to be in separate classes again, I really feel I want to limit the amount of time my DS has to put up with this.

I hope things calm down before too long
at least it's the holidays now so your ds can have a break from it

thanks for all your support, guess we'll just carry on as we are and hopefully the mean boy will move on and leave my DS alone.