dont know what to do ...

[karenanne]

this could be long....my dds 5 and in reception,her dad and i split in september last year and myself dd and ds are back living with my parents until we get a house.this happened the weekend before school started so had to start a different school very suddenly.she seemed to cope with the split very well,her dad and i have remained friends ,we tried to make it as easy for the kids as we could,dd wants us to spend the time together when dad comes to visit(tues eves and saturdays)and he also rings every evening.

shes very bright and does very well at school ,so well shes already doing some year 1 work.her teachers say shes 'gifted' but we dont want to pressure her so dont push her at all.shes always loved going to school and usually cried if she couldnt go.lol

over the past two months shes become increasingly 'down'almost to the point of depression in my opinion.there isnt a night go by she doesnt go to bed without sobbing her heart out.when i ask its always silly little things or if something i can do something about we talk about how mummy will sort it out .

shes clingy -my ds (18mths) had seperation anxiety a while back and its just like that.

shes cried about her daddy and how much she misses him-this i expect she worships him .

but mainly the problem is school...small little things like the toilets,assembilies,lunches etc..all that i have talked to the teachers about and we've solved .

but its getting worse from suddenly not wanting to go to school to today ,the teachers having to drag her away screaming .needless tosay its very upsetting for her and for me ,all she said today is dont leave me mummy ,imiss you.

ive taken her to the docs ,he wasnt much help ,just said its a combination of my and exs split and could take upto 18months for her to sort herself out and just let her be the guide and give her plenty of tlc.oh and is there any chance my ex and i can get back together ????as this would make her alright???

we tried everything ,from being soft to getting strict with her ,nothing seems to work.

everynight i think ive got it all sorted and tomorrow will be ok but everyday it just sems to be getting worse.

i just want my happy ,bubbly little girl back.

i guess im just hoping that someone can give me some advice of getting her back to being happy.

Do you talk to her, and let her talk & talk about her dad & the general situation? Sounds like that's what she needs, to get her feelings out about all that.

Maybe it's worse because her dad rings every evening, what if he rang in the mornings, instead?

hi zebra.

yes we do talk about the situation,we always have done,as i said shes incredibly bright for her age and we always sat down with her and told her what was going on.weve always sat down and told each other how we feel ,and she does tell us her problems its just at the moment it seems to be evrything that causing her worry from little things to big.

maybe her dad ringing at night may make her upset but if he rang in the morning it may make the school situation worse.

thanks for your reply.

the clinginess is perhaps because her dad has left, and she is worried that you will too..

reassure her that you will ALWAYS be there. Remind her that you always come and get her from school, and wouldn't go away and leave her.

i think your gp may be right in that it will take time. she just needs a lot of love and reassurance.

maybe her dad can reiterate when he phones her that he is really proud that she has been going to school and that she is very good for doing so well?

There is an excellent book called Family First by Dr Phil McGraw (see also www.drphil.com). He always seems to have excellent advice regarding difficult family situations. He does address the issue of how to handle kids and divorce (and make the kids still feel special and secure as far as possible).

Are there any support groups in your area for single parents?

Pity the doctor didn't take your concerns seriously [he/she actually said just get back together?? . Keep looking for an expert who can help and who will take your concerns seriously. I hope that you can find someone who can help.

karenanne, it does sound like she has been deeply affected by the split. How does she get on with your parents?

As others have said and as you obviously know the best thing is to talk and reassure her that nothing she tells you will shock or anger you. It seems as though her anxiety over the little things, which she was previously OK with sounds, might be covering some bigger worry which she can't bring herself to say.

I remember when my father died when I was six I was absolutely terrified that my mum would die too. It's not the same thing I know but she is probably feeling insecure.

Obviously living with your parents you might be limited in what you can do but it might make her feel more secure if you put up some favourite pictures etc to make her room feel like its hers.

My ds who is three and a half has day when he just lies down and says he is feeling sad, and I try to figure out what is worrying him but a lot of the time children don't know themselves what is causing their sad or worried feelings.

I hope she starts to fel better soon. Could the school recommend a counsellor?