My reaction to toddlers behaviour in public?

[Brunettelady]

My DS is 22 months. He is generally very well behaved. He is going through the usual phase of hitting and pushing, although it is not that often and it only seems to be certain children that he has a problem with. Unfortunately a couple of these said children are my friends children.

At the swimming pool the other day, he randomly pushed a little girl so I just picked him up and said we were getting out. My DH said I was OTT, so I got him to appologise to the girl and let him stay in. I realise I was OTT but there were mnay mums all sat around watching me and I always feel I have to look like I am doing something about it.

When I am at friends houses (when it is the child he has an 'issue' with) I'm never quite sure how to tackle it. I tell him off firmly and he used to say sorry but sometimes he will not do it. I did almost leave once but we hadn't been there long and my friend had invited me over so I felt rude leaving (and I didn't want to).

At home, he is not like it as there are no other children around but when I have other parents looking, I always feel I go OTT so they can see that I am doing something, then I feel guilty for my DS when it is not the end of the world what he is doing and he is a very well behaved child in general.

How do you tackle discipline in public and things like hitting and pushing in a 22 month old?

I think your comment that 'it's not the end of the world what he's doing and he is a very well behaved child in general' is what you need to hold on to here.

The most important thing is what happens between you and your son, not what you're seen to be doing in public.

And I think even very young ones can sense when something is not quite 'real.'

It took me a long time to catch on to this, but he needs to know that what he's doing is not acceptable behaviour, while you need to realize that his behaviour won't improve overnight as a result of what you've just done or said to him.

Don't assume your friends are judging you, but even if they are, it's a definite that they'll have tricky times with their DCs if they haven't already.

And 22 months is too young to understand the concept of 'sorry' - forcing the words from him is meaningless, which is probably why he refuses to say it.

I'm sure lots of others who are in the throes of this will advise about positive reinforcement, but that's the key here.

Sorry, when I mentioned acceptable behaviour, I meant finding a way of pointing this up as unacceptable without backing him into a corner or having it descend into a battle.

i try and discipline the exact same way I would at home.

i know it's hard when you feel people are watching you, and i think a lot of people go OTT in public so that they are seen to be doing something.

i think force4d apologies are pointless, you're just teaching them that as long as they say sorry it doesn't matter what they do, even if they aren't really sorry.

a 22 month old will go through pushing/hitting/not sharing phases, they all seem to do it, and taking him away from the situation won't teach him not to do it. they have zero impulse control at that age!
imo all you can do is say no, we don't do x/y/z and then remove him from the child he has hit/pushed etc
then carry on as before

You could also try making a thing of sympathizing with the injured party - 'poor x, give him a stroke' - although this can easily go too far and foster esentment.

I know parents who were friends but their kids never clicked and ultimately they just decided to see each other without the kids! Not saying this should apply in your situation but sometimes you do just get a clash and its easier to just leave it for a while and try again in a few months

I'd be inclined to give him a warning first. ie if you push anyone again we are leaving and the if he does then leave.

I have found that being removed from somewhere once tends to have the effect that next time you say the same thing they listen!!

Agree with the others :

Sorry from your DS is meaningless, though I think it's important that he sees you apologising to the injured party or their parent.

I used to fall into the trap of over-reacting (ie too shrilly or dramatically) to "prove" to the other person that I was taking it seriously, without me really feeling in control.

A calm, low voice, and taking him aside to talk to him will work better and ensure you don't feel that you are putting on a "show" for others.

And yes, as MostHighly says, it's a "drip drip" approach with the messages about not hitting etc being repeated.

I am the mother of one DS who used to bite/hit, and another who was more often the recipient. I know which is harder !

Agree with Buddleja - warn first

I have a couple of friends who just ignore their children when they are pushing others etc, and it is infuriating.

With my children, as I do at home, I give them a warning, and explain why they shouldn't do wha they have done, and that if they do it again we will have a 'time out'. If the do it again they ar eremoved from the situation for a few minutes, so if at soft play, sit with me at the table, if at athe pool, taken out for a few minutes. If the behaviour persisted after that, I would take them home. I don't take my children out so they can caus eme stress by misbehaving.

FWIW, I think you're right to make your son apologise. He might not understand 'sorry' in the same way as we do, but it's important for him to learn the concept and say it anyway.

midori I think some people with children who push/hit a lot are so embarrassed, wish it wasn't happening, feel ineffectual, and almost go into a form of denial ... infuriating.

Of course, there are others who are too busy nattering to notice what's going on ....

This has hit a raw nerve. It's just happened to me this morning.

At a lovely regular playgroup my DD (22mnths), also usually a lovely, well-behaved and sweet child, purposefully hit a little toddler on the head with a ball from the ball pool. She screeched a bit too so think she was frustrated - this girl was sitting in the tent entrane which seemed to upset my daughter.

I removed her from the tent and said "No. Don't hit. That hurts." then told her to say sorry (have always done this and normally she will. But today she went up to the girl and hit her again. Then I removed her again and tried to repeat what I said but she started to scratch my face. So I said "Hitting is naughty. We are going home because you hit mummy and a little girl"

This seemed to upset her because it was close to the end and there's dancing at the end which she loves. So I got more and more upset because she was distraught as I strapped her into the pushchair. We left and I burst into tears. Pathetic, I know, but I felt so miserable.

Was that OTT??

Am feeling very low as I love her so much but this is a recent thing that I have no idea how to handle.

mrs cd- ok the bursting in to tears something is because you have done something she doesn't like- well done you for having firm boundries. Honestly doesn't mean she won't love you, in fact masses of research shows that parents who give firm boundries have very securelt attached well adjusted children . Socialsising your toddler is a hard hard job so I do feel your pain. In our house we have several absolute rules- no kicking, biting, hitting and no screaming at mummy (the screaming thing is more recent, but then ds is a bit older than yours and the op's child). If any of the above happen then we have instant no warning time out, 1 minute for ever year old, take away from the action and make sit stand somewhere quite. If you are firm with this you can use it in shops/toddler groups no problem. They don't like being away from the fun/play thing at all and begin to learn that there is an instant consequence for the pushing/hitting....It's not an instnat cure but it does gradualy sink in...... it's what works for us (and many others I know). Best of luck, it does get better!

just a quick one. definitely agree with the reinforcing message over time and explaining that hitting hurts - we say 'people are for playing with/cuddles not hitting' in a fun way. i really don't like forced 'sorry's - don't make my 2.5 yr old do it and find it irritating that friends' kids are forced to make a clearly meaningless apology... do say sorry yourself and teach them about doin it but don't force. they do learn but it's sooooo hard while they're in hitting phases (we've had several!)

With my two at that age, I just said "no push/bite/kick/etc..." picked them up and moved them and then made a fuss of the other child. They do eventually get the idea. I wouldn't do the saying sorry thing until they are 2.5/3.

I'm really glad that most people think forcing DCs to say sorry is meaningless. DS will actually say it to me and DH without being asked and he does seem to know why, but when I'm trying to get him to say it to other children and he won't it feels like such a pointless battle. Now I'm glad its not something I have to do as I thought all parents made their DCs do this. I'll just appologise on his behalf and ignore him after, thats what I often do and it seems to work as he hates being ignored.

Mrs CD, I know how you feel. I haven't actually cried, but seeing how upset DS gets sometimes after being told off does break my heart. I never go back on what I have said though and when it has all passed and he is playing nicely, I just make sure I give him even more cuddles and sit and play with him.

i think that at 22 months taking them away isn't necessarily the most appropriate way of teaching them though.

they really have no impulse control at that age. nearly all children go through phases of hitting or biting or pushing or whatever. and yes, of course they need to learn not to do it, but removing them completely isn't going to teach them that.

do you think that the next week she will remember that she hit someone and got taken out?
highly unlikely at that age I think

i think it's more realistic to work on changing the behaviour by modeling what you DO want them to do, rather than issuing a punishment that makes no sense to them.
so if your child pushes or hits then just take them away gently and say "no, we don't hit/push", remove any object they are using to hit with, and then distract them with something else.

Oh yeah, I'm not a fan of taking him away, I know I was going to at the swimming pool, but that was really as I was being watched and felt like I should do something. Like you said Thisisyesterday, he won't remember by next week. I do just be very firm with him, if he has an object, take it away. Then I carry on doing whatever it is I'm doing and ignore him for a bit. Ignoring always seems to work at toddler group, and he can sometimes be distracted quite easily.

Just to say, try not to let that awful feeling of self-consciousness affect how you interact with your son.

What matters is what YOU think - if anything you're doing doesn't feel right to you don't do it.

Easily said, I know - and fwiw, this seems to become easier with subsequent children.

Mosthighly, that is good advice. I sometimes react how I think others think I should, then feel guilty for my son. I will remember this in future dealings. Its not his fault after all, its the 'lovely' age. lol. Saying that there are so many positives to this age, its much easier to forget about the slightly bad stuff.

Um - my experience as a first time mum is that at about that age I had a tendency to overdiscipline -I think quite a bit of how people handle kids in public is more for the benefit of other people than getting the child to toe the line.

That age they're not going to get the idea very quickly - I'd show him it's wrong and say if he does it again, end of park/swimmingpool/playdate etc. If they won't apologise so be it (my lo had very limited vocab at that age) so I would give an apology instead.

I find it so incredibly hard to be consistent! Agh

Thats a good idea Books, I have seen him line up nicely by the slide and patiently wait his turn (not every time obviously) but he does do it. I will make sure to praise him when he is playing nicely.

every toddler hits other toddlers sometimes so try not to worry about it. I'd stop him, tell him off in firmly but calmly in age-appropriate language and make a big fuss of the injured child. So he sees that it's the victim who gets attention, not him. Eventually it might sink in... or more likely, he'll grow out of it.

PERHAPS the word sorry is a little bit of a stretch perhaps you could try a gesture like a handshake or blowing a kiss instead? AT this age you are just firmly saying 'no' and trying distraction etc, the hope is that one day 'no' will mean 'no'.

Yeah, sometimes I just get him to give the other child a cuddle and make a big fuss over how nice that is. Then sometimes after in the car he brings up the subject of hitting and I just tell him that hitting is very naughty/not nice and that cuddles are lovely. He will learn eventually!