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Behaviour/development

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Original poster

Name calling at school, is it harmful or just part of life? should we just teach our kids to deal with it?

21 replies

DrNortherner · 16/12/2009 17:44

I was called names as a kid, as was dh, and probably most of you. Kids are cruel, always will be. I see so many mum's at school complaining as their child is being called names.

My ds is short for his age, he gets called small fry, shorty and midget. I talk to him about how he should deal with that, ignore them and rise above it. I would never dream of complaining to school, as suspect my ds is just as likely to call others names too. So I remind him how hurt he feels, and how he should not do it to others.

I asked him what names the other kids get called, and it's the usual stuff. Same as when I was a kid.

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StayingSantasGirl · 16/12/2009 17:48

My mum told me to ignore the name-calling that blighted my entire school career from 10 to 16. I still wonder why she didn't back me up at all or support me or call the school, and I believe that it is at the root of the depression that I still suffer. At 14 years old, I was considering suicide.

Kids who get away with fairly innocuous name calling in junior school will learn that this is acceptable behaviour. They won't realise how much harm it can do if it goes further.

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 16/12/2009 18:12

My ds1 is very small for his age DrNortherner. The name calling has him in tears some times.

I've told him so often to ignore them but when his so called friends in the street won't let him join in as he;s a 'midget' it's really not easy for him to ignore. [angry[

It helps him alot to know I'm 100% there to back him up and support him. I have spoken to the school, and have no qualms about approaching other parents when it gets bad.

I agree with Staying about how much it can wear a child down and depress them. DS is such a lovely kind confident boy, but over the last year has stopped getting involved in sports, is nervous meeting new people. It kills me to see him like this.

Please speak to the school- don;t let it go further. What starts as name calling ends in physical bullying too.

Hope your ds is ok.

SleighGirl · 16/12/2009 18:25

dd aged 7 has had 2 girls continually making nasty remarks about the birth mark on her face.

Dd now wants the birth mark removed.

She didn't eat her lunch for 3 weeks in a bid to get out to play before they came over and started on it.

I think there are different levels of name calling sometimes it's just names that can be brushed off sometimes it's deliberate nastiness to bully.

Original poster

DrNortherner · 16/12/2009 23:38

Yes, I agree there are different levels of it. I would know if it was having a huge affect on ds, it is certainly nowhere near as bad as you describe on here.

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MavisEnderby · 16/12/2009 23:43

I think it depends upon the child.I overheard a child is dss class taunting him with "You've got a spazzy sister" (dd has sn)

ds glared at him and said "Don't you ever talk about my sister like that".

He is a tough cookie.He has a poorly dad and a sn sister and has seen more than most in his 6 years but I think he can handle it atm.It does make me sad though.A lot of children are fragile and namecalling can be very hurtful.

MavisEnderby · 16/12/2009 23:57

ps short people are the best.I come from a family of shorytarses and my df and db are /did exceptionally well in their careers.

Tell ds to ignore,ignore,ignore.

THEY are the idiots.

cat64 · 17/12/2009 00:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 17/12/2009 00:02

I was bullied - both physically and verbally (name calling) at school all the way through from reception age to 16yrs old. The name calling affected me then, and well into my adult life much more than the physical stuff did. It's only been the last year or so (when my depression became so bad I took and OD) that I've managed to move on in anyway from some of it

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 17/12/2009 00:04

oh - and to the "outside" it looked like I was dealing with it fine, I even got into trouble sometimes for fighting back (phsyically and verbally) and I always put on the brave face. But inside.........that was something else that led to be becoming so depressed last year. I was too scared to admit to how I felt, I'd learned for so many years to hide how I really felt to try and "protect" myself when I needed help the most I couldn't ask for it.

MavisEnderby · 17/12/2009 00:14

Oh AWASSAILING.iNWARDLY i am really hoping ds doesn't feel the same.I think a good talk is in order with ds.We have talked before.When I say a tough cookie outwardly he handles things really well but I amreallly hoping he doesn't take the comments to heart about his sister.I know he loves her to bits but gets frustrted with her like any normal sib.In reality the comment destroyed me and I tried not to let on and was so proud how he handled it sticking up for his sister in such a brave way.He is a quiet boy as a rule but is very perceptive about right and wrong.I know this is probably the beginning of an ongoing taunt amongst his less perceptive peers

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 17/12/2009 00:22

you know what Mavis - I think hope that we've moved on in society now - many of us as children were told to "ignore them" and that was basically it. I know my mum never really took seriously any of the stuff I told her about the taunting (it wasn't that she didn't care about it - I think then the long term effects of such bullying weren't really known/understood about) so there was no-one to back me up.

These days we're much more aware (as adults) of bullying and its effects and so I think better equipped to help our children. Man schools (sadly not all) now also have an anti-bullying policy of some sort - so they (generally) take it more seriously.

Obviously if my children are being bullied at school and not telling me, and I'm not picking up any signs I can't do anything about it. But I think if I'm more alert to the signs then I can help them better.

Thankfully so far my 2 older DS's (youngest not yet at school) seem to have had nothing more than the odd bit of teasing (apart from one incident of pushing around towards DS1 recently) - but they've told me about it, and know I support them and understand how it makes them feel and I know the schools have taken it seriously too.

Sorry I'm waffling a bit - hope that makes some sense?

MavisEnderby · 17/12/2009 00:25

Yes it does.but for those who are short/have birthmarks/have sn siblings I am really hoping this is true

Thanks for reply

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 17/12/2009 00:25

you know I can understand how that comment hurt you , however what I've been doing (thank god nothing as horrible as that) is if something has happened to one of them at school/someone has said something to one of them that's upset them or made them angry - and it also upset me then I tell them it makes me sad/angry/hurt as well. So they (I hope) know that feeling that way isn't anything to be ashamed of or hidden away.

I don't know - maybe it's totally the wrong approach, and quite possibly not recommended by all the experts in this stuff, but knowing how I held back on my feelings as a child (and adult for many years) I guess I'm just more aware now of making sure they know it's ok to feel that way.

Awassailinglookingforanswers · 17/12/2009 00:27

this parenting malarky is flipping hard sometimes isn't it

MavisEnderby · 17/12/2009 00:29

YES

gemtkd · 17/12/2009 08:22

Hi!! I was bullied at school from about 5-6 until 14. It only stopped because I ended up in a fight in school. Suddenly people realised that just cos I was short I wasn't a wimp!!

I also found focussing on a sport (for me ITF Taekwon-Do) not for going fighting, but I made friends there and spent a lot of free time with them as well!!

when you get bullied at school for whatever reason it sucks!! But as long as you have friends even if it's in a sport or other activity, it helps!! At least at the end of a very hard day you have someone to talk to. For me it made all the difference and I got to a point where I couldn't care less what they said!!

StayingSantasGirl · 17/12/2009 11:04

DrNortherner - you say you would know if the bullying was serious - well, my mum had no idea that I was suicidal when I was 14, because I was so unhappy at school.

Basically, I felt that telling me that words couldn't hurt me, and I should simply ignore the bullies (because they'd stop if they didn't think they were having any effect on me) was completely dismissive and showed no willingness to support or understand me.

I decided that there was no point going back to her as things got worse and worse, because she would just dismiss my feelings again - and I never thought of telling the teachers either, because if my own mum didn't think it was worth doing anything about, why would they? And if there were I 'told' and there were repercussions, I didn't think my mum would back me up or support me.

So I suffered in silence throughout my school years until I went to VIth form college, where things got a bit better - but the damage was done by then, and I am still suffering the consequences.

midori1999 · 17/12/2009 11:28

If my child wasn't upset by it, I probably wouldn't talk to the school.

I do strongly believe that the most important part of being a parent is to teach your children independance and courage of their convictions. Far too many parents mollycoddle andbaby their children, and they are ill prepared for the real world.

My oldest 2 DS's are 13 and 9 (today actually!) and both sufferred 'minor' name calling in earlyish primary school. I discussed it with them at the time, and explaind to them why it was happening and how they felt about it, what to do if it contunued or upset them etc, and they obviously dealt with it well, as it stopped. My oldest is now very popular at school and I am extremely proud to be able to say he has the personal strength to tell his friends if he thinks they are doing somethign stupid or wrong, and he will not join in with things (smoking, for example) due to peer pressure.

I do think a certain amount of bullying will always happen and it's important we teach our children how to deal with it when it does.

StayingSantasGirl · 17/12/2009 11:37

Midori - I'm sure that's what my mum thought she was doing - making me more independant etc, and she probably assumed that I had dealt with it as she advised and that it had stopped - but it hadn't. I was bottling it up and not telling her how bad it was, because I didn't think she would do anything to help me - that was the message that I got from what she said.

midori1999 · 17/12/2009 11:52

Well, that isn't what I think I am doing, it is what I know I am doing. As I said, DS1 is extremely popular at school, and extremely confident. DS2 isn't so confident and is much more sensitive, but he does talk to me.

I wasn't telling them to 'deal with it it was part of life' I was telling them 'it's a part of life, and they are doing it for such and such a reason, so not to worry about it, but, however, if it continued and did upset them, or they needed to talk in the future, of course I was there for them and we could do something about it together', be that me talking to the parents involved, or speaking to the school. Bullying is only 'fun' for the bullies if it has the desired effect.

My Mum was exactly the same with me, and I was bullied at senior school for a year or so. I won't pretend I liked it, but I was certainly confident enough to eventually put a stop to it myself (My Mum going to the school actually didn't help things at all).

TheInvisibleManDidIt · 17/12/2009 12:54

Staying- so sorry you had to go through that . I'm terrified this is how ds1 is going to feel and try and reassure him constantly that I'm here for him and won't stand to see him treated that way by other children.

I've taught both my sons to be confident and independant but I've also taught them that I will always be here to back them up. There's some things that children shouldn't have to deal with by themselves.

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