How do I deal with my difficult five-year-old?

[Jacks15]

I think of myself as a reasonable person, but my five-year-old's behaviour causes the red mist to descend. At school, the teachers think she is quiet and polite. So why does she save it up for when she gets home, or before she gets to school? I thought stamping-feet, tantrums and rudeness came in the teenage years - but not in our house. My daughter goes out of her way to be annoying. She won't do anything we ask - even the most simple task, like putting on her shoes - without a battle. She regularly takes toys off her younger sister, shouts childish obscenities at us when she can't get her own way and causes great upset. Almost every trip out is for her: swimming lessons, ballet, drama. We praise her to high Heaven when she is good and tell her off or take treats from her when she is naughty - but none of this seems to work. I would welcome any advice on how to deal with her because each day I am full of despair that I am just not cut out for this role. Thanks for listening!

Poor you! Is she reacting to younger sister. May be picking up things that make her jealous that you are quite unaware of. Consider the quality of the time you have with her on her own. ( yuk phrase - sorry).Don't expect overnight progress whatever you try. And just thank god its not at school too!

what about visual rewards marbles in a jar star chart etc

and be consistent regardless and also lots of praise when getting a reward so it becomes pleasant rather than an awful thing to have in place

sit her down with rules maybe what she can and cannot do and tell her clearly of the consequences and she's a big girl now and should be showing her younger sister how big she is

also i find removing my ds and telling him to come back when calm and i wont shout or show him he is getting to me i stay as calm as possible remove him tell him to come back when ready and calm then when he comes back its not mentioned any more we just move on and i'll praise him for being really good

also getting dressed etc i'll lay all his bits out and then make it a game whop can get shoes on the quickest etc it seems to work i amke sure were in time so no rushing and shouting

my freind also found 1-1 with older child of a night before bed helped i have only 1 child so no time share there but my friend had 1-1 and this helped a lot

also ask your dd what she wants or why she gets so upset she should be old enough to express some feelings and take into account what she says

My 5 year old dd can do this and has real "attitude" of the kind I hadn't expected until she was a teenager.

If I argue with her, I get more attitude and she really doesn't care if I take things away from her. I send her to her room with no definite time to stay there. She can come down when she is ready to do what I have asked her and speak nicely to me. If she comes down I ask her what she was in trouble for and what she is going to do about it. If she can't tell me, she goes back until she can.

It does not work prefectly, but it helps me control my desires to scream at her when she adopts her attitude.

Mmm. Well, she sounds pretty normal, and your reaction to her behaviour does, too! Is she like that throughout school holidays, too? I just wonder, since she is so quiet and polite at school, whether she is actually working so hard to be good at school, unable to fully relax and be herself, that by the time she gets home, she just has to let all that pent up tension out, somehow. There's certainly nothing unusual about a 5-year old still finding a full school day an extremely tiring and slightly stressful experience. And going to school and doing swimming, ballet and drama is going to be pretty exhausting for her. I know my ds1 (also 5) behaves like that when he's a bit tired and upset about something, but is generally more easy-going when he's feeling totally relaxed. It's quite hard for a 5-year old to have to do as she is told by school teachers, drama teachers, swimming teachers and dance teachers, and then go home and have to be lovely to her siblings and get yet another dose of doing as she's told by her parents.

Does your dd get enough time to herself outside of classes just to relax and have the power to do what she wants when she wants without it being an annoyance to the rest of the family?

Hello! Thanks so much for your responses - I really appreciate all the trouble taken to a) reassure me that this is normal and b) give such good advice. I will heed your words and try to make some changes. I definitely agree that some more one to one time is needed. What I didn't mention is that she is the eldest of three - I also have a baby. Both girls love her and it's the one thing they both agree on - that she is the best present they will have this year. Thanks again.

I also have a five year old DD and when she gets overtired she adopts teenager-style behaviour too - stroppy, defiant etc. I thought she was copying her teenage brothers!

Anyway, I do think that rabbitstew is right and that they easily get overtired and overstretched by school at this age, and that they really cannot manage endless structured group activities. My DD only does two extra-curricular activities - one's hours one-to-one reading lesson in English (she is bilingual and needs some extra work in English) and one and a quarter hour's art class, in a very small, quiet group with an attentive teacher. That's quite enough for the time being.